So not too much to update about recently. I just got to Palm Springs and will spend Christmas here with the family. It was originally just going to be the four of us but it’s turned into a huge party and we expect 10-12 people now. So that will be super fun. I’ll give you an update after to see how it goes.
I talked to my therapist about the way my dad screams at my mom sometimes and he said I need to stand up to him and tell him “I don’t appreciate you speaking to mom that way.” We will see if I have the guts to do it. But we also spent a lot of time talking about how that impacted me and my ability to ask for what I WANT or NEED in relationships in general. I’m scared to say anything to dad when he’s like that. My therapist suggested to maybe wait until later to bring it up again with him privately. We’ll seeeee.
The other night, got a text from Charles. He hadn’t texted me since the Saturday hang out. Basically he said that he’s not an easy person to get along with but “neither are you”. His phrasing of things was a little annoying. Basically saying I’m sorry but you are a problem as well. Anyway, he said he wanted to try and work on things and make friends work because it was “important to him”.
I replied the next morning because I wanted to think about how to approach this, everyone was telling me to just ignore him, Don’t write back. But we texted back and forth a little bit but I said this is better talked about in person. So we met for breakfast.
I was pretty harsh (I’m sure some would say not harsh enough) with him but I think it was needed. I told him how I didn’t think he respected me, how he didn’t stand up to Eric (I wanted to say more, IE “standing up to him looks like you saying “Eric, I know you don’t like [chris] but this is my partner and my boyfriend, the person I love. You need to at least be polite to him and respect my decision to be with him””) and told him about how it’s not that he forgets, it’s that he doesn’t care. He said he did care…. But I kinda just let that drop. I told him that looking back, re-reading all my old posts. It was clear we should have never dated from the start, there were too many red flags, too much negativity already early on. He asked if I regretted our relationship. I absolutely do not, I think it was a growing and learning point for both of us. He told me he’s learned a lot from this relationship as well.
I told him that all I really want out of him right now is a sincere apology. We’ll see if I ever get that or not. I’m still waiting on that letter and for him to “come over anytime he wants”.
I scolded him a little bit about how he’s leading on these two guys he’s dating now and told him he needs to set boundaries with them. He needs to stop acting like he’s dating them if all he wants to do is fuck them.
I was a bit annoyed to hear about how his boys are cooking him dinner, bringing him shit to work. Stuff I used to do for him. Stuff I thought was special but I guess not. I’m apparently easily replaceable. He also told me how the “sex is amazing”. Which really pissed me off.
I think it was a productive discussion, at least I hope so. I hope he is understanding his actions and how things impact other people. I gave him the link to this blog. I started him off with “Hi Chris“. He said he would read it when he had a chance. We’ll see. My hope is that he can gain a perspective about our relationship and how his actions impacted the other party (IE ME). I want him to be happy, I want him to know he is LOVED, I want him to know that people care about him. But it’s also ok to be single, to be alone. For him to stop chasing that “first love” feeling and be ok with the BORING partner, to be ok with compromise and arguments and everything else that a relationship has.
ALSO, I’m not saying I was perfect in this relationship either! I could have done a lot of things better.
Although, I did hear yet another rumor that perhaps he cheated on me while we were together. But it might have been during the one breakup that lasted for four days where I went camping. I may or may not ask him about it, but honestly it doesn’t’ really matter now. IN my mind, he was always very loyal to me. One thing I miss most is him coming home and just plopping down on the couch and cuddling with me, falling asleep in my arms.
On the other hand, I’ve honestly been really well. Things with Kellie are going well, we’re already starting to plan some things for February. Other stuff in life is going well, I’m making better connections with friends. I haven’t been this happy in a while. Sure there are still things that get me down, sure there’s still a lot of stress. But I’m generally happy. I want to start doing more, I want to get back to the happiness I had in LA. Friends dinners, hikes, climbing, exploring and enjoying the world and life. No regrets, no holding back. Just be free and live.
Glenn tells me to just quit, stop stressing over the money. Which is honestly true. This year I’ll be grossing a tad over $950k (which honestly is SHOCKING to me, I sure don’t FEEL like I made that much); paying almost $200k in taxes alone. I can fucking quit and live my life. But I just am scared it’s not “enough”. I’m scared about getting cancer or not being able to pay for healthcare mostly. I’m scared that in 20 or 30 years, I’ll be broke and have to go take a greater job at Walmart, I’m sure those jobs will be replaced by robots by then.
I have this one FWB now too that I feel like we’re becoming better friends, he even went out of his way to come meet me at the Apple Store to buy my new MacBook with me.. He wants me to meet his husband which might be a bit awk. If things go well with meeting his husband then we both want to plan a weekend get away.