Author: Cj B

Army over. Moving on

So, things with army are done I think… On Tuesday->Wednesday he just disappeared for like 24+ hours. He finally popped up again Wed night and I was having a bad day and I called him out on it and he basically went off on me. Saying that he can disappear “whenever he wants” and that if I want to learn about peoples lives I can “watch youtube”. We haven’t spoken since.

There’s an interesting blog post from this day in 2007 in which someone sent ME a letter which very closely fits to what should be going on with him. If Army is not willing to communicate with me, put in the effort then clearly it’s time to move on. He’s too immature right now and has too much other shit going on in his life, he’s clearly not interested in me.

I’ve been struggling with the question of “do I message him again”. But I was the last one to send him anything so I feel that he can message me if he wants. Over the past three years, we’ve had a real tendency to just pop into and out of each other’s lives.

RE work front, my project that I was hired to manage and start has been delayed YET AGAIN. It was supposed to start as soon as I started with the company. Then they delayed it due to funding. It was supposed to start this month (1/2018) for a go-live of Jul. Now it was pushed because of “many new products being rolled out”. So new start date is July and go-live of December. This is RPF all over again. Start push start push. I feel like since I left Gourmet, I haven’t done ANYTHING that I actually want with my life in regards to work. I’ve lost all my knowledge of NAV. I’ve spent this week setting up laptops, fixing peoples stupid printer problems, etc. This is NOT what I should be doing at this point in my life!

Army, Therapy, Hike

Friday I had my first therapy session. It was just a quick 30 minute discussion about why I wanted to meet with him and what topics to cover. The guy is a gay and used to work at the HIV clinic in SF. So at least he’s familiar with the specific issues unlike the crazy old white religious guy I went to see in Tri-Cities. We talked about Calvin a bit and how much I regret us breaking up, talked about the stigma I personally have with HIV, and discussed my sadness of having no friends.

Just a quick chat but he said that I need to come up with a list of three things to do by the next meeting. First one I would say would be to go out with a few people.

I did just that, on Saturday I did a 7 mile hike with this guy I had been chatting with for a while. He was nice and I had fun. He invited me to go on a 15 mile hike on the 27th. Perhaps I will do that.

The hike itself was beautiful. It was called the San Pablo Ridge Trail. We got there early in the AM and were the only people to start. It was overcast and cold and had rained the previous day so the trail was super muddy. About an hour in it cleared up and was sunny and we ended up with some amazing views of the city, the golden gate bridge. Astra even got to chase some cows! They were not impressed by her.

Army is confusing as fuck. He and I finally had a phone convo on Friday AM. I basically told him that I really liked him but we need to figure out WTF is happening. Since then he’s been chatty but everything is very short lived. Like I asked him what he’s up to today. He replied “eat,sleep, workout”. OK. WTF. But he has been saying goodnight and good morning since then. We shall see. Yesterday he got into this whole “daddy needs to buy me something” again and I told him “I’m not a sugar daddy, just a daddy. Thanks” he replied “Cool” and I said “Cool??” He didn’t reply again until 5 hours later when he said “goodnight sir”. I just don’t get him, nor do I get why I am trying to hard for someone who’s clearly not putting any effort into liking/impressing me back.

Chatting with a few guys on OKCupid, we shall see if any of those become a date/in person meeting.

I had this insane vivid dream the other night that I started school again at ISU. Ever since then I have really been regretting that when I was laid off I didn’t take a different path. I really fucked myself by doing what I did. I should have used that opportunity to go back to school.

I have a roommate moving in with me end of this week, we shall see how well this goes, but it will be nice to have the income and lower out of pocket cost for living.

Hit bottom

I think I hit bottom of my emotional slide yesterday.. I was driving to staples to pick up a USB cord and just randomly started crying.

Nothing is gonna happen with Army. Yesterday he texted me at 2pm (4pm) and said “Omg I just woke up”. But he had posted on snapchat a picture of him out eating somewhere an hour before. Clearly he didn’t just wake up. I said “Don’t lie to me”. He replied “How”. I replied “we need to have a serious chat. Call or FT me whenever”. Nothing.

I don’t get it. He’s very hot and cold. This has been going on for three christmases now. At first like I said, just strictly friends. Then after the breakup we started chatting more. Then lost touch, then reconnected, etc. This Christmas was very exciting but as soon as my flight left DSM, it was like he was ice cold…
Whatever.

I’ve signed up for OKCupid again, haven’t been seeing anything that catches my eye. I’ve messaged lots of guys, but hardly any replies. Same with Tinder, all these people “match” with me, but then either never reply to messages or send me one message and then never reply again. I don’t understand.

And then NA is going on a Thailand trip, he just got back from a trip to Denver. Never invited me to either one. “Friends”. I feel like I’m so boring any more. I never go anywhere and I have no one to go with me anyway.

Happy fucking new year

Apparently I’ve already used this title.

New years always suck for me. I don’t know why. It’s supposed to be a time of celebration, starting fresh, etc but I always just end up hating it and being insanely depressed this time of year.

Last night was a bad one, Army and I were chatting a bit yesterday but he’s very one word reply. He’s going to some RAVE in MN and I told him, “Don’t forget about daddy while you’re there, all those fresh new grindr boys for you to play with” and he replied “What boys, daddy the only boy”. I replied with “Awwww” and he replied “Bitch” and then “Hey I can disappear forever daddy”. WTF does that fucking mean. Is he threatening me? I replied and said basically, “we need to talk on the phone and figure out what is going on between us” and he never replied past that. This is one of my biggest annoyances with him is he just doesn’t reply to things. Ignores me. It will be two or three days and then he will probably reply as if nothing happened. I’m remembering why we always seem to lose contact.

That set off a huge wave of emotions all night last night. Didn’t sleep until nearly 2am and then woke up again at 6 and have been sitting here ever since.

My life is not going at all the way I wanted or imagined it and the last two weeks have been such a fucked up roller coaster. With the Calvin news, re-connecting with Army, the end of the year, my birthday coming up.

Astra cannot decide if she wants in or out…

Why can I not find and make friends here. What happened to all my climbing “friends”. What happened with my life. I used to be so social, I used to go out all the time, I used to bike, I used to climb. Now I just sit at home. I feel like I have nothing to say to people. I feel like I’m not good enough to hang out or fun enough.

Why do I seem to be the last single person in my group of friends, everyone I know seems to have someone. Pasta has apple, Calvin has Will, Brian has David, NA has his guy, David, Gill, Greg, Daniel, Sophia, Sylvia, Constantine, Andrew, the list goes on. All I want is my life partner to come home to, to cook dinner with to do projects with, to go camping with. I’ve even started thinking that I want kids.

What am I gonna do when I’m 70, losing my mind and have no one to take care of me!

I really fucked it up twice. I don’t want to fuck up a third chance. It’ll probably be my last. Now if only I can find that third chance and not let it go, not fuck it up.

Over and over

I always seem to get stuck in this routine of finding guys that I just cannot have that I want.

Two years ago, I met this guy Randy (aka army) here in DSM. I was still dating calvin at the time so we just met as friends. Saw a movie together while I was home. Hung out a bit. But nothing else happened. We sort of stayed in touch for a bit after that, just chit-chatting. Nothing major.

Last christmas we re-connected but only via txt. He ditched me the one time we were supposed to hang out. I stopped talking to him after that… We re-connected again midyear for some reason. I forget why/how. But then again stopped talking.

This year I was on Tinder and found him again and we started chatting more. I invited him to come hot tub, I never thought he would agree, but he actually showed up. We hot tubbed for 2 hours just chit-chatting, cuddling. I kept trying to give him a kiss but he would always turn his face.

We went up to my room after and laid in bed and cuddled and watched 90 day fiance. about mid-way through we started actually kissing, and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. it was honestly horrible, mostly because i was top and it’s been a long time since i topped someone. haha.

We finished the TV show and then he left. i was sad that he wouldn’t stay and cuddle the ngiht away.

Didn’t see him again until Christmas night. That night I was over at my aunts house and I invited him over and he actually showed up. I was shocked for a second time! And even more shocked because he met my aunt, cousin and my grandma all at once. So awk. but we had a fun time. AFter that he came back to my place, we hot tubbed again and then watched a movie and cuddled in bed. He again left 🙁 this time he was a little more kissey but nothing else happened.

Then lastly I saw him yesterday. We had a 2 hour lunch and then he had to go to a family thing.

Overall, he’s a really great guy. Ambitious, smart, super cute. But there’s a lot of little things that are either confusing or annoying.

He takes forever to text back. IE I sent him mutiple texts last night started at 5pm and he hasn’t replied to any of them. But yet he was on grindr and posting to snap chat. Granted he was with family. But if he could be on grindr, he could have replied.

He’s not very open about what he actually feels. I get the sense he really likes me as well, but then he also says things that seem like he doesn’t give a shit. IE last night we were saying goodbye and he said “i don’t want you to see me cry”.. but then he said something snappy right after that that kinda put me off. And when we said goodbye, it was just a quick hug and then he walked off.

He makes these jokes that I can’t tell if they are really jokes.

He goes out drinking a lot…. Which, I sort of get because it’s the holiday period, lots of family in town, etc. From what I’ve gathered over the past few years of knowing him during a typical week he’s up at 5am, working out, going to work, going to school, doing army shit. etc. So I get that he’s young (23) and so during these break times, he’s out partying. When I was 23, I did the same thing

He’s YOUNG… He’s mature but also very immature at the same time. He enlisted in the army because his parents could no longer afford college for him. He works 3 jobs to pay for stuff. So he’s mature that way. But he’s also very immature in his ability to share feelings, stuff like that.

Anyway, we talked about going to vietnam together. I doubt that’ll ever happen… I told him to come visit me. He said “if you buy the ticket”. I told him I would split the cost with him and he said “Nope”.

I always get stuck into these same routine over and over again. Finding guys I like who are not really feasible to date.

I’m so ready to just settle down. I want to be married by now!

Boarding flight now. I gotta go!