Author: Cj B

Happy fucking new year

Apparently I’ve already used this title.

New years always suck for me. I don’t know why. It’s supposed to be a time of celebration, starting fresh, etc but I always just end up hating it and being insanely depressed this time of year.

Last night was a bad one, Army and I were chatting a bit yesterday but he’s very one word reply. He’s going to some RAVE in MN and I told him, “Don’t forget about daddy while you’re there, all those fresh new grindr boys for you to play with” and he replied “What boys, daddy the only boy”. I replied with “Awwww” and he replied “Bitch” and then “Hey I can disappear forever daddy”. WTF does that fucking mean. Is he threatening me? I replied and said basically, “we need to talk on the phone and figure out what is going on between us” and he never replied past that. This is one of my biggest annoyances with him is he just doesn’t reply to things. Ignores me. It will be two or three days and then he will probably reply as if nothing happened. I’m remembering why we always seem to lose contact.

That set off a huge wave of emotions all night last night. Didn’t sleep until nearly 2am and then woke up again at 6 and have been sitting here ever since.

My life is not going at all the way I wanted or imagined it and the last two weeks have been such a fucked up roller coaster. With the Calvin news, re-connecting with Army, the end of the year, my birthday coming up.

Astra cannot decide if she wants in or out…

Why can I not find and make friends here. What happened to all my climbing “friends”. What happened with my life. I used to be so social, I used to go out all the time, I used to bike, I used to climb. Now I just sit at home. I feel like I have nothing to say to people. I feel like I’m not good enough to hang out or fun enough.

Why do I seem to be the last single person in my group of friends, everyone I know seems to have someone. Pasta has apple, Calvin has Will, Brian has David, NA has his guy, David, Gill, Greg, Daniel, Sophia, Sylvia, Constantine, Andrew, the list goes on. All I want is my life partner to come home to, to cook dinner with to do projects with, to go camping with. I’ve even started thinking that I want kids.

What am I gonna do when I’m 70, losing my mind and have no one to take care of me!

I really fucked it up twice. I don’t want to fuck up a third chance. It’ll probably be my last. Now if only I can find that third chance and not let it go, not fuck it up.

Over and over

I always seem to get stuck in this routine of finding guys that I just cannot have that I want.

Two years ago, I met this guy Randy (aka army) here in DSM. I was still dating calvin at the time so we just met as friends. Saw a movie together while I was home. Hung out a bit. But nothing else happened. We sort of stayed in touch for a bit after that, just chit-chatting. Nothing major.

Last christmas we re-connected but only via txt. He ditched me the one time we were supposed to hang out. I stopped talking to him after that… We re-connected again midyear for some reason. I forget why/how. But then again stopped talking.

This year I was on Tinder and found him again and we started chatting more. I invited him to come hot tub, I never thought he would agree, but he actually showed up. We hot tubbed for 2 hours just chit-chatting, cuddling. I kept trying to give him a kiss but he would always turn his face.

We went up to my room after and laid in bed and cuddled and watched 90 day fiance. about mid-way through we started actually kissing, and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. it was honestly horrible, mostly because i was top and it’s been a long time since i topped someone. haha.

We finished the TV show and then he left. i was sad that he wouldn’t stay and cuddle the ngiht away.

Didn’t see him again until Christmas night. That night I was over at my aunts house and I invited him over and he actually showed up. I was shocked for a second time! And even more shocked because he met my aunt, cousin and my grandma all at once. So awk. but we had a fun time. AFter that he came back to my place, we hot tubbed again and then watched a movie and cuddled in bed. He again left 🙁 this time he was a little more kissey but nothing else happened.

Then lastly I saw him yesterday. We had a 2 hour lunch and then he had to go to a family thing.

Overall, he’s a really great guy. Ambitious, smart, super cute. But there’s a lot of little things that are either confusing or annoying.

He takes forever to text back. IE I sent him mutiple texts last night started at 5pm and he hasn’t replied to any of them. But yet he was on grindr and posting to snap chat. Granted he was with family. But if he could be on grindr, he could have replied.

He’s not very open about what he actually feels. I get the sense he really likes me as well, but then he also says things that seem like he doesn’t give a shit. IE last night we were saying goodbye and he said “i don’t want you to see me cry”.. but then he said something snappy right after that that kinda put me off. And when we said goodbye, it was just a quick hug and then he walked off.

He makes these jokes that I can’t tell if they are really jokes.

He goes out drinking a lot…. Which, I sort of get because it’s the holiday period, lots of family in town, etc. From what I’ve gathered over the past few years of knowing him during a typical week he’s up at 5am, working out, going to work, going to school, doing army shit. etc. So I get that he’s young (23) and so during these break times, he’s out partying. When I was 23, I did the same thing

He’s YOUNG… He’s mature but also very immature at the same time. He enlisted in the army because his parents could no longer afford college for him. He works 3 jobs to pay for stuff. So he’s mature that way. But he’s also very immature in his ability to share feelings, stuff like that.

Anyway, we talked about going to vietnam together. I doubt that’ll ever happen… I told him to come visit me. He said “if you buy the ticket”. I told him I would split the cost with him and he said “Nope”.

I always get stuck into these same routine over and over again. Finding guys I like who are not really feasible to date.

I’m so ready to just settle down. I want to be married by now!

Boarding flight now. I gotta go!

A year and a half later.. still heartbroken

Wow… You know how when you find out an ex is dating someone now and you’re heartbroken, again. Well that just happened.

I had a feeling since we broke up that Calvin was dating this guy Will. I asked him about it a few times but he denied it. Then tonight I’m home for Christmas and my grandma casually asked “Is calvin dating this will guy?”. I told her, “I don’t know, I don’t think so”.

I txted him: “See, even grandma thinks you’re dating Will.”

He replied: “Yeah, we are. I should apologize – I didn’t know how to bring it up, and didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I didn’t mean to be deceptive, and if it came across that way, I’m sorry”.

Me: destroyed. Heartbroken.

I’ve posted a few times since we broke up, talked about how I wasn’t sure it was right, how I wasn’t sure if we did the right thing. A few months ago I switched meds, you see my old meds are known to cause depression. I tried to fight it off, but now looking back I see how badly they have fucked up my life. Between living in Kennewick and being on these meds I feel like I was in a pretty bad place. I’ve lost touch with all my friends, I honestly feel I wouldn’t have broken up with him, etc.

Since switching, I’ve seen myself rebound. Slightly and slowly. I’m coming back. I started trying to be more talkative with calvin. I’ve been thinking to myself, is there a chance. Could we still have that spark again. Could he still be the right one?

He sent me a really nice Christmas card. Talked about coming to visit. I’ve invited him to visit a few times since we broke up.

Now, after knowing he’s dating someone. I feel like a fucking idiot, like a fool for thinking that, for trying to keep talking him, for everything. For thinking to myself, “I could live in Sask, I can start these businesses, We could be so happy.” Even today on the fucking 2 hour drive to Lenox, I was thinking those thoughts to myself, thinking of how I could re-start something with him. Thinking about how, if only he would come visit, we could get back together. I was wrong, totally wrong.

Here I am 1.5 years later and haven’t been on a single date. Haven’t moved on and he’s out there happy with a new guy. Living his life.

I’m destroying mine.

Fuck.

Two Months In…

Well, it’s been about two months since the big move and honestly, I’m really regretting it. I wish I had just stayed in my house in Tri-Cities and done the whole funemployment for a while and waited for a better job to come along.

The move went fine, I am staying in a rental house for now. I tried to put offers on a bunch of houses down here but I just kept getting out bid and the fact that the houses are JUNK and asking $500k is just annoying. Most of the stuff around here was built in the 70’s and 80’s and hasn’t been updated since. So you’re spending $500k and need to spend another $100k to bring it up to date.

I was hoping that by moving back here I would get back in touch with the climbing people that I used to really enjoy hanging out with. Tim, Leo, Mike, etc. Unfortunately, none of them seem to either A) Care or B) Know that I’m here. I know for sure that Tim does, I’ve made hints about hanging out but he never follows through or does actually hang out with me. I messaged Mike and no reply. I haven’t really tried to message anyone else. I’ve gone on two dates since arriving here but neither one of them really hit my fancy. So I’m still just spending more time sitting at home, walking astra and being a fucking bitch.

I still think about Calvin every day and wonder if it was the right or wrong thing to do. What would have been, what could have been. If there’s still a chance for something to be.

I am starting a new business venture. Explore More California. I bought a trailer and am renting it out. I’m hoping that my first rental will be this weekend. We shall see if it comes to fruition.

Jason is really annoying me again lately. He keeps telling me that we’re such great friends, that I mean so much to him. But then his actions speak louder then words. IE after my old job was over we had been talking for MONTHS about going to Palm Springs for a long weekend and just chilling and hanging out. Literally the week before he changes his mind that he can’t go because suddenly some other trip came up. But yet he was able to go to a bachelor party in New Orleans, go to a wedding in Los Angeles and go on a fucking two week trip to Russia. Then last weekend for July 4th, I asked him to come down for the 4 day weekend to hang out and go camping in my new trailer. He complained that the drive was too long (5.5 hours, exactly half way). Then this AM he sends me a text at 5am saying “really random, but road trip to Idaho”… Which is, you guessed it, 5.5 hours from him. He does this to me over and over and over again and it’s really annoying. He’s supposed to be my “best friend”, that I mean so much to him but yet coming to visit for a 4 day weekend is too much driving but going to Idaho for a 2 day weekend is fine? Makes no fucking sense.

Maybe there’s something wrong with me as I don’t really understand why I don’t seem to have any friends. I used to have this huge group of friends that I went hiking and climbing with and then we just sort of fell out, since then I’ve been on this downhill slide of friends and people I talk too.

The job is the job.. I’m already frustrated with it. The CEO is rudderless and changes direction constantly and can’t keep focused on one thing. When I interviewed I was told I would have an office and when I showed up for my first day I was given a cubicle RIGHT in the middle of the office area. I’m making less money now then I was 3 years ago working in LA and cost of living here is WAY higher then LA. And when I interviewed I made it clear that I was NOT going to be fixing “printer” problems or “my monitor doesn’t work” or “i need email setup on my iPhone” and guess what I am doing. I am too fucking far in my career to be fixing your monitor which you are too stupid to figure out came unplugged from the wall.

To the Bay

A lot has happened since my last real post, about my breakup with Calvin. We’ve still been texting every day but we haven’t really talked since the breakup. I still wonder to myself if it was the right decision. I haven’t been on a date since, been getting more and more depressed and just sitting at home with Astra.

Then in June I was notified that the company was being sold. I wasn’t sure to who, but was given a huge list of things to prepare for them. I was one of the first people to know, but being the lead IT person you have to get them a lot of information early in the process. In August I met the new owners, they were nice but I found out they were MORMON. Yes, the LDS Church itself was buying out the company! I could go on for hours about how I feel about that.

In November the sale completed. It was an asset only buy out, so on Tuesday we were working for the old company, at the end of the day, we all got fired and then on Wednesday we were told if we had a new job or not. I didn’t have a job. I was asked to stay on for 6 months during the transition. This week is my last week with the company.

I decided I would really push to try and grow my VOIP business, I hired a sales person, a business consultant, marketing campaigns. I’ve spent $15k+ and I have 0 new customers to show for that.

I quickly found a new job at a food processing company in the Bay area of California. They agreed that they would wait until the 6 months were up. I’ve spent 10 years of my life in California, I really didn’t want to move back there so I continued applying for jobs elsewhere. All I’ve received are rejection letters.

This past weekend was packing day. My entire life has been shoved again into shipping containers. I’m moving to California. Starting life again with no friends, a new job, a new city.

I’m not happy about it. As I stated in my last post (although now I’m a year older). I was hoping that by now in my life I would be married, happily living in a house with a huge yard on the edge of a bigger city. Our dogs, our life, being happy.

Instead, I’m constantly on the verge of tears almost every day. I go home, I walk my dog, I sit and I watch TV. I contemplate what’s next in life, what else could I be doing for money/life.

If only I weren’t HIV+, this would be easier to just NOT take a job for 6 months and try to find something else. But I have to have healthcare, I have to buy a $2,500/month medicine to live.

If only I were more able to think about ways to support myself, grow honey and eggs, sell everything and become a farmer, be a better salesman and grow my VOIP, become a woodworker or metal worker. Just something, anything that would allow me to live life and not work for “the man”. To make someone ELSE rich.

Here I am upsetting my life, moving back to California, and not happy in the least about doing it.

What’s really upsetting about this is seeing some of the people I’ve dated in the past. There’s this one guy, at the time he was a college drop out with no job, I introduced him to a friend, I pushed him to go back to school. Now, he’s living the live _I_ would want. Running his own business, being successful. Why can’t _I_ actually do that for myself.