Author: Cj B

The past week has been super interesting…. Lots of stuff going on and not sure what to think about most of it.

I met up with Suresh the next day after he texted me. He said he was moving back to Iowa because he felt he had a better social life there. He missed his friends, his job, etc. We ended up walking around Benicia for hours, just talking about things. Discussing what happened over the past couple months between us. Then he came back to my place and ended up spending the night. That was nice. We just cuddled. Nothing happened.

USPS had also randomly reached out to me. We haven’t spoken in ages but he texted asking to hang out and have dinner. We met up for dinner and it was fine but kinda awk. He wants to hang out more, but honestly I am just not sure I am into that any more.

Saturday I had two dates and a rock climb with Rex. The first date as horrible, the guy was so boring. He hasn’t done anything in his life and he’s 36 years old. We had nothing to talk about. So it ended pretty quickly. Haven’t heard from him since. Rock climbing with Rex was fun, I sure suck. Ran into Patrick there who I haven’t seen since I left LA. I found it very awk to talk to him again honestly. I have a little resentment towards him in the fact that when I moved back to the Bay Area he never made any attempt to hang out after I reached out to him multiple times.

I was going to have a dinner date with Charles Saturday evening but he had been doing the whole non-reply thing and or not messaging me first, so I didn’t reach out to him that day. He finally messaged me late at night wanting to hang out, so I told him to just come over. We hung out, made out, talked. I told him that I wanted to be more then just a fuck buddy and I’d like to take him out on some dates and see how things go. He seemed into it, the next few days he was super chatty and texting things. Then on this past friday I messaged him a few times and haven’t heard a peep since. So maybe I did something to piss him off already? Who knows. He is in Palm Springs as of sunday, so I will chalk it up to “he’s busy there”, and if he messages, he messages. If not, then whatever.

Jason arrived here Monday and he was in a mood. I was not having it at all but I think things calmed down. We packed Tuesday to go camping. The camping trip was fun but the problem is that I think Jason wants more from me then just friends. And I do not want that with him. He has fucked me over way too much in the past, he lies to me, hides things from me, etc. We got back Friday and Derik met up with us. We all went out to some bar and had fun. Saturday morning we wake up and he’s being a total bitch again. I sort of went and did my own thing that morning and then around 10am I come into the bedroom and he’s bawling his eyes out saying he has to go to some hospital in San Jose because one of his friends dad’s is in the hospital. So I just took him to BART and haven’t heard a peep from him since.

Jason also was chatting with Suresh on Grindr. That really pissed me off. Makes me wonder how many guys Suresh is meeting up with. He’s super cute, very chatty/friendly and he’s such a sub that I feel like any guy who says “come over” he will come over and do whatever they want.

Went out to Dore Alley Saturday and Sunday. It was not my thing. I didn’t really enjoy it much.

Sunday, Suresh and I were chatting a while, we hung out Monday night, we have plans for Friday night and we sort of semi-have plans for another night this week. He came over yesterday around 1pm and we just hung out. Cuddled on the couch, went grocery shopping, made dinner, cuddled on the couch more. Watched a TV show. I honestly have no idea what it is he wants at all. He’s leaving but he also seems very interested in hanging out more and more. He stayed the night last night and we finally made out and then jerked off. But he didn’t seem that INTO making out. It almost seemed a bit reluctant. I just don’t know what to do with him. I feel these feelings, I know that nothing will work. Yesterday we were talking about something and I was just like “Jesus, there’s no way we could be happy together”. But then my mind just wants to see him more and have more of stuff to do with him. I want to go on a trip with him. That would be the deal breaker.

This past weekend I was in Iowa closing on $3m worth of Apartment buildings. 6 new buildings, 60 total units. This should really set me up for retirement now. I’m hoping that over the next 2 years that I will feel comfortable with what my income is from these and be able to just be done with working… It’s been a very stressful two months dealing with all of these but I’m pretty sure that things will work out.

My dad reminded me of a story. 14 years ago, I bought my first big new car, it cost me $30,000 at the time. I called my dad nearly in TEARS because it was so much fucking money… I was so afraid to spend that much money. NOW today, I am going to be making an income of nearly $50,000 every month. I’m spending over $3m on an apartment building and have a net worth of $2.5m. It’s amazing how different things happen.

While I was in Iowa, I of course was thinking about Suresh a lot. I was out shopping and found these cute postcards and bought one and sent it to him. I know he hasn’t received it yet (at least, I doubt) but then this morning WHILE I WAS IN MY THERAPY SESSION he messaged me: “Hey, I know you want some space between us, but I’m going to go back to IA for a while (through May), and wanted to see if we could say “bye” before I go. I know you’ve got a lot going on this month, but I’m leaving by August 13 ( hoping the baby is born by then)”.

We haven’t spoken since June 2nd… So he’s clearly been thinking about me, maybe he misses me, who knows. Why does he want to reach out and say “goodbye”. WHY on earth is he moving back to Iowa!?

This set off so much and I was so happy/so glad that he reached out but also so anxious about how those feelings/etc will be when I see him again.

So, I’ve been in GA/SC/NC with Derik for the long weekend. It’s been a fun trip but re-affirms why I could never date him.

We landed in ATL and got a hotel overnight, then drove to Charleston. Spent a few days there and then went to Greenville and hung out with his family which was fun. He has a hot young cousin. Woof.

Anyway, last night we went to a bathhouse and it was a horrible experience. All I could think about the whole time was just that I wanted to be at home, with a bf. Cuddling on the couch. I wanted to call suresh and tell him I miss cuddling with him.

We got back to the hotel and had a long talk. I am going to delete all my dating apps today. This will be very tough I think. No grindr, no tinder, no okcupid, no bumble… wtf.

Lots to say, but I don’t really have the right words to say it all…

Went backpacking last weekend with Hut. It was a fucking killer trip. So much elevation gain, then loss, then gain, then DROPS. I have decided that I am no longer enjoying backpacking though. Maybe 2-3 days max but we were supposed to do 5 and after the 3rd day, I just wanted out. I wanted a shower, I wanted my bed.

Backpacking gives you a lot of time to think about things through and of course you know the one big thing that was on my mind. I kept wishing/hoping that I would return to a text from him but the smart side of my brain said “don’t be an idiot, he will never reach out to you”. Which I know he won’t. I shoved the door closed, locked it and barricaded it. But you know. I just want HIM to say “I miss you”.

My therapist gave me this homework. “Name the thought that you are having. “I am having a thought of (wanting to do something, etc.)…” It’s not an action, but action urge.”. But I feel I am doing it wrong. You know the problem is that my mind when idle just repeats over and over again. If I have a song stuck in my head, it repeats. When I am thinking about a person it repeats. OVER and OVER and OVER. “I am having a through of wanting to send him a letter”; “I am having a thought of sending him a present”; “I am having a thought of posting something on instagram about him”…. But how does that HELP me get better. Last night he posted a video to instagram of him out hiking. It made me crash and feel like shit. “I am having a thought of not being active enough” – He was out having a nice hike on a monday afternoon. I was sitting at home doing nothing. Who was he with, what was he thinking. Etc etc.

I came back from the trip, 4 days of no cell service to a good number of messages. Two guys said “I miss you”. Both of them completely unavailable to me, so while I am happy they miss me and I missed them too. It doesn’t help because we can’t be together or have a relationship. Guys always want what they can’t have. These guys who live no where close to me seem to want me, but no one who’s HERE seems to want me.

Derik has been staying with me for the past month. I feel like he wants more out of me but he just wants the physical aspect of it. Not a relationship. I reject his actions because I cannot be a FWB type situation. I garner feelings too easily and I don’t want to be heartbroken again. He is just replacing his Austin boy with me, IMHO and I don’t want to just be a replacement or place holder.

This past Sunday I met up with Wings for dinner. That was very interesting. I haven’t seen him in person since I kicked him out of my house. I honestly forgot 90% of what happened back then but he refreshed my memory. It was good to see him but again I’m not really sure the point of meeting up with him or what we will become if we will be friends or not. Honestly, I think it was more just for his own satisfaction and closure.

Getting back to work has been rough too, I am just so not motivated because this project I am working on is not getting anywhere. We are getting close to our first pilot and nothing is ready. People are just not taking it serious enough and not investing the time. I keep pushing and pushing it but no one listens.

The properties are coming close to closing. Should be closed by mid-July. I am super scared but also excited for it. I got my first big bill already for $35,000 for insurance alone 🙁

About two weeks ago Jason was in town for a wedding. He stopped over at my house to pick up a pillow he had left last time he was here. Ever since then, he’s been acting super funny. Like normally we would text day in and day out. Now we go days without messaging. Honestly, I’m sort of fine with it. I think that our friendship has played itself out and we’re coming to and end of what we were meant to be/do together. We have a trip planned for later this month. So we will see what happens with that.

Earlier today I was chatting with my friend Tony. His BF was recently diagnosed with HIV and he is having a really tough time getting through it. Tony was asking me how I got through it and what suggestions I might have. I told him that when I found out, I had already done AIDS lifecycle and I had a large group of amazing POZ friends already. I told him that one of those friends, Mok, lived down the street from me. He and I would bike, hang out, have dinners. Any time I was feeling down about it, Mok was there to lend a shoulder and to make me feel better.

But that got me thinking, where is Mok today? He doesn’t do social media and we haven’t spoken in years. We sort of lost touch after a while. So where is he? How would I even go about finding him. The only thing I know about him is his first name, phone number and email address. I googled both and no hits on them. I don’t even have a last name for him.

What if he’s dead? I will probably never know anything about him again. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to go to his funeral or send flowers to his family. At the point in my life where we had met and crossed paths, he was so influential to me, so important, so helpful.

IT got me thinking, what if I were to die tomorrow? How would the people that I care about even find out. Now that I am no longer on any social media platforms, who would notify those people?

This past weekend in small town america, you saw the notices. BIG YELLOW pages printed out with a picture of the person, the date and time of the memorial, where to send flowers or cards. Posted in nearly every store front. At noon every day the local radio and tv station plays a list of all the births and deaths in the area. The local women’s groups gossip about “did you hear who died?”. Even if they had moved away many years ago, all because they still have those roots there.

But in todays digital world, all my “friends” are mostly remote, digital. I talk to them daily via text or face time. When I die, will they even know? I talk to Tony every day, but I haven’t seen him in ages. Would my family or parents know to contact him. Who would they contact?

With my will, there is a list of a handful of passwords. Those will gain access to my life. But will my parents or family know what to do with them? Will they have the mental capacity at the time of my death to say “We need to contact people”. Will my friends even call if they don’t hear from me for a few days?

I talked to Tony about these topic, he relayed a story of one of his friends who died while back country skiing. His family didn’t realize for weeks that he was missing. WEEKS! Are we really that disconnected in this day in age of “connectedness?”

After I die, will my blog continue to live?