I don’t deserve to be treated like this. I need to treat myself better. I need to expect more from the people I hang out with.
Friday night Suresh came over and we did our normal hang out. But for once he actually asked me how my day was, how work was! I Made him the short ribs, cuddled on the couch, then we went out to the local gay bar. We both drank a lot, we had a ton of fun. Sat there and watched the band, laughed, chatted. Had a great time. We came home and he said he “wanted” to spend the night but forgot something at home. He said he would come spend the night Monday night.
During dinner we were talking and he asked, “so do you have a blog”. I told him yes, told him what it was for and why I keep it. I wonder if he reads it, (Hi?).
On the drive home, we were really talking about stuff. We talked a bit about attachment theory, I came clean and told him that I am an anxious attachment style. I told him that I thought he was avoidant.
Anyway, Saturday I got up early and headed out with Derik to Paso Robles. Suresh texted me a bit that morning and then I told him to go to my house and eat the left overs (around 9am). He didn’t reply again until late that night. Again we had a little chat and then I said goodnight and of course no reply.
Who knows what he was doing all day, out delivering? out on grindr dates? who Cares
Derik and I had a fun time on Saturday but I was def in a mood. This is the problem, Suresh puts me in a mood. I think he knows that, I think he’s playing with me. I think it’s all a game.
I messaged Suresh on the drive home Sunday morning around 10am. He didn’t reply until around 8pm that night. Derik saw him on Grindr during that time, so clearly he was on his phone, he was home (trying to fuck/hookup?). Why can’t you fucking reply to me? Why can’t he say, “have a nice drive home” or “when are you home tonight?”. Why can’t any of these guys say: “I want to see you, I want to hang out with you”
So this is the point. IF you’re not going to treat me with respect, fuck it. I am done trying to reach out and be nice to you. I give you so much Suresh, I care so much, I give you everything I can, I give and give and you give me NOTHING in return. You couldn’t even fulfill the request for milk bomb ice cream. You are out and about, you drive home from SF past Berkley daily. You couldn’t stop real quick and pick some up? I went out of my fucking way to buy you short ribs, to spend 8 hours making them for you. I spent hours and hours the week before to make you carnitas.
Give me what I deserve in return or get out of my life. I’m not just here for your convenience, for when you’re bored. I’m not just a place for you to get out of the house for the evening.
His message to me on Sunday was that he was a secure attachment style. I had sent him the link to the test. Honestly, that made me even more upset. So he’s just treating me like shit for what? For fun? We talked for a few exchanges, just general how was your day, “Lazy day” he says. Lazy day chatting up guys on grindr apparently. I told him, “goodnight, see you tomorrow”. No reply. His communication is shit. How hard is it to say “goodnight” back to someone? He never does.
Then this morning Vu messages me. I haven’t heard from him since he ditched me to go to Yosemite with his friends last minute way back in February. He says he wants to hang out again. Honestly, fuck that too.
Charles still also hasn’t replied in a week. I messaged him this morning: “You don’t owe me anything, but can you explain what I did to deserve to be ghosted”. He will never reply either.
Mark messaged me today as well, saying he is coming back Aug 21st. Saying he is excited to see me again. I replied to him and said: “I’m excited to see you too, but I am not just a sex object. I want to hang out as friends and do other stuff together”. He said he was was looking forward to that.
I am an amazing guy, I am sweet, I am caring, I will give you everything that I can, I can give you the world. I will cook for you, I will care for you, I will hold you when you have a bad day. I will plan fun things for us to do together. I will look at you with love and caring and treat you with respect.
When I’m gone from your life, you’re going to miss this. You’re going to miss everything I give for you. Maybe you’ll realize it, maybe not.
So fuck these guys who can’t see that. Someone will see it some day.