Author: Cj B

Suresh,

The last six months have been great getting to know you. I’ve enjoyed our times and adventures together. I know you see me as just a friend, but I care about you way more than that. I don’t want to lose you again like we did for that month. You’re one of the sweetest and most genuine people I’ve met in a long time and that’s the type of person I want a lasting connection with. Even if it’s just as friends.

I want us to grow closer as friends over the next 9 months while you’re gone and I hope we can see each other from time to time. I know it’s going to very difficult for me and I apologize if I’ve hurt you. Please just be open and honest with me, that’s all I ask.

I want you to talk to me about your life, don’t hide things. Tell me about your good and bad dates, tell me about your days at work and what adventures you’re going on. I know you’re on grindr and going to be meetings guys in Iowa. I’ve been trying to show you lately that I want to hear about those things by opening the door and telling you about my dates, and probably in bad taste joking about grindr hookups. It’s going to be very difficult for me at first, but in the long run it will make us stronger as friends. I want to be closer to you emotionally, even if we are ever just friends.

I value you as a friend, way more then a friend, and someone I care deeply about, but I feel like you just want my attention and don’t want to give anything back. For example. If you can be on grindr chatting with random guys, you can reply to a friend who’s trying to talk to you and have a connection with you. I hope you can see that and value me back as well.

Call me or text me anytime. If you want to do a trip together or for me to visit you in Iowa, just ask me. I’m looking forward to us becoming closer as friends.

With Love,

Chris

Last night was the last night I’ll see Suresh, maybe ever. We will see.

He came over in the afternoon and we headed into the city. I had booked a surprise for him which was the Van Gogh experience in SF. We got there, parked, walked over and then just enjoyed the show. We sat on the floor and I just wanted to cuddle him while we sat there. After the show was over we walked around Hays valley a bit and did some shopping together and then found a sushi place to eat. Throughout all of dinner we talked about what is the meaning of life. It was a great discussion and fun to have. I wish we could have more of them.

From there we headed over to his old work place. It is an amazing space and it was so cute to see all his old co-workers hugging him. Everyone loves him so much. We sat down and had drinks. We talked about love, his parents, friends, his ex-guy. We sat there in silence and I just looked at him.

Finally I took his hand and just held it.

We started talking more about us and in my mind I just said fuck it. I told him exactly how I felt. I care about him so much. I want more than just friends with him. He said that had I expressed that earlier on, maybe something would have happened. Too little, too late.

We left there and drove home. I held his hand the whole way, we talked more. I told him everything, no holding back. I told him that I have had feelings for him since the early days but didn’t want to overstep our bounds as hookups. Got back to my place and I invited him in. We watched two more episodes of The Magicians, cuddled close. During one of the episodes, I kissed him. He kissed me back. This time, it didn’t feel reluctant. It felt natural and safe.

At the end, we kissed some more, I held him close. I told him I would miss him so much. We got up, got dressed and he left. I gave him a letter, a gift and a kiss.

I hope he stays in touch. I hope we can be friends if not more. But I am not going to hold my breathe. He’s clearly a very well loved person, he is going to have guys chasing him no matter what he does in life. I wish I could see him again before he leaves but I know I won’t.

I am happy with the way things ended. I am glad we had our last night together. I want him to stay to be here, to say he cares about me. But I know he won’t. I am content with that.

Hasta Luego Suresh. I hope to see you again soon.

I have so much to give, so much love, so much. I deserve someone who’s going to show it back to me.

I deserve someone who will love me back, with everything that I have to give them. I deserve someone who wants to wake up and text me good morning. Who thinks about me last before bed and says goodnight.

I deserve someone who asks about my day, who cares when I’m happy and when I’m sad. Who is going to be there no matter what.

I deserve someone who’s going to eat my cooking and offer to do the dishes.

I deserve so much better.

I don’t deserve to be treated like this. I need to treat myself better. I need to expect more from the people I hang out with.

Friday night Suresh came over and we did our normal hang out. But for once he actually asked me how my day was, how work was! I Made him the short ribs, cuddled on the couch, then we went out to the local gay bar. We both drank a lot, we had a ton of fun. Sat there and watched the band, laughed, chatted. Had a great time. We came home and he said he “wanted” to spend the night but forgot something at home. He said he would come spend the night Monday night.

During dinner we were talking and he asked, “so do you have a blog”. I told him yes, told him what it was for and why I keep it. I wonder if he reads it, (Hi?).

On the drive home, we were really talking about stuff. We talked a bit about attachment theory, I came clean and told him that I am an anxious attachment style. I told him that I thought he was avoidant.

Anyway, Saturday I got up early and headed out with Derik to Paso Robles. Suresh texted me a bit that morning and then I told him to go to my house and eat the left overs (around 9am). He didn’t reply again until late that night. Again we had a little chat and then I said goodnight and of course no reply.

Who knows what he was doing all day, out delivering? out on grindr dates? who Cares

Derik and I had a fun time on Saturday but I was def in a mood. This is the problem, Suresh puts me in a mood. I think he knows that, I think he’s playing with me. I think it’s all a game.

I messaged Suresh on the drive home Sunday morning around 10am. He didn’t reply until around 8pm that night. Derik saw him on Grindr during that time, so clearly he was on his phone, he was home (trying to fuck/hookup?). Why can’t you fucking reply to me? Why can’t he say, “have a nice drive home” or “when are you home tonight?”. Why can’t any of these guys say: “I want to see you, I want to hang out with you”

So this is the point. IF you’re not going to treat me with respect, fuck it. I am done trying to reach out and be nice to you. I give you so much Suresh, I care so much, I give you everything I can, I give and give and you give me NOTHING in return. You couldn’t even fulfill the request for milk bomb ice cream. You are out and about, you drive home from SF past Berkley daily. You couldn’t stop real quick and pick some up? I went out of my fucking way to buy you short ribs, to spend 8 hours making them for you. I spent hours and hours the week before to make you carnitas.

Give me what I deserve in return or get out of my life. I’m not just here for your convenience, for when you’re bored. I’m not just a place for you to get out of the house for the evening.

His message to me on Sunday was that he was a secure attachment style. I had sent him the link to the test. Honestly, that made me even more upset. So he’s just treating me like shit for what? For fun? We talked for a few exchanges, just general how was your day, “Lazy day” he says. Lazy day chatting up guys on grindr apparently. I told him, “goodnight, see you tomorrow”. No reply. His communication is shit. How hard is it to say “goodnight” back to someone? He never does.

Then this morning Vu messages me. I haven’t heard from him since he ditched me to go to Yosemite with his friends last minute way back in February. He says he wants to hang out again. Honestly, fuck that too.

Charles still also hasn’t replied in a week. I messaged him this morning: “You don’t owe me anything, but can you explain what I did to deserve to be ghosted”. He will never reply either.

Mark messaged me today as well, saying he is coming back Aug 21st. Saying he is excited to see me again. I replied to him and said: “I’m excited to see you too, but I am not just a sex object. I want to hang out as friends and do other stuff together”. He said he was was looking forward to that.

I am an amazing guy, I am sweet, I am caring, I will give you everything that I can, I can give you the world. I will cook for you, I will care for you, I will hold you when you have a bad day. I will plan fun things for us to do together. I will look at you with love and caring and treat you with respect.

When I’m gone from your life, you’re going to miss this. You’re going to miss everything I give for you. Maybe you’ll realize it, maybe not.

So fuck these guys who can’t see that. Someone will see it some day.

I found this post from 2006
I feel like this is an exact copy of a conversation that Suresh and I could be having. If only he would open up about his feelings. He is so guarded and not wanting to talk.

He texted me on Tuesday asking if I wanted to hang out again. I would have loved too but I already had plans with Derik. So we made plans for Wed, he came over after work and we just cuddled on the couch for a while and talked. I asked him again what exactly he wants out of this, he said just friends. He doesn’t want to make out, fuck, jerk off. He doesn’t want to stay over every night. I told him that’s fine, I just wanted to be clear about where we were. I asked him about the other guy he had a crush on. He told me it didn’t work out because things were not “progressing”. I wanted to scream at him. You have a great guy you’re cuddling with RIGHT NOW who wants to progress, who cares about you so much. Who wants to see you succeed.

We watched our show, we cuddled. He pulls me in tight when we cuddle. He holds my hand the whole time. I kiss the back of his head. AT about 9:45 he fell asleep while cuddling. I woke him up and told him it was time to go. He laid there a bit more and fell asleep again. I woke him up and said “my bed or your bed, but it’s time for bed.” We laid there a bit more, he fell asleep again. I felt like he wanted ME to say “go get your toothbrush and stay”. But I wasn’t going too. I want HIM to make some decisions.

He left around 10:30 and I went to bed. We have plans again on Friday. I am not going to text him before then. I am not going to text him.

I honestly don’t even know why I am so fucking into this guy. Like he’s pretty damn boring, not into the activities that I am into, never asks me about my day or how I am doing. Never gives me anything back. We had a deal, I would make him beef short ribs. He would bring me milk bomb ice cream. The short ribs are ready… Wheres my ice cream?