Author: Cj B

This time, I think it’s the last. We both admitted we are unhappy. He slept on the couch. He left for work without saying goodbye. I texted him and just like always, he ignored it.

That’s the thing, that’s the problem is his ignoring me. Constantly. What started this one? I was talking to him yesterday morning we were on the couch, having a great morning. Cuddling. He got a text message and instantly he picked up his phone and started ignoring me. I just stopped talking, he didn’t say anything, he didn’t go back to the conversation, he didn’t do anything.

It just pisses me the fuck of that I talk to him I try to tell him about stuff and he doesn’t listen or care At all.

I’m still resentful AF about my birthday and I don’t know how to get over it. Eric’s birthday is coming up next weekend. He’s gone out of his way to make sure he gets he day off. He’s gone out of his way to get him a present. He wasn’t able to do ANY of that for me. Last night he said “Well you didn’t plan anything that would make me remember it”. WTF does that mean!? I had told him to take the day off, I told him I wanted to go for a hike that morning. But nothing mattered to him. He worked.

I just can’t do this any more but I’m also scared of losing him. He does love me, I think. I love cuddling with him, I love hanging out with him. But he just doesn’t TREAT me with the way that he does other people.

We went out with his friends yesterday he was engaging, charming, chatty. He was asking them questions bout stuff. He doesn’t do that for me. I tell him something and he just is like “ok”. Maybe I am just BORInG to him. But then why be here?

I think it’s done. What am I doing to do now?

Why do I always feel so lost, like I don’t know what I want, what I love, what I am doing with life.

How do people find things that they “love” doing. I have tried and done so many things, hiking, camping, rock climbing, cycling, scuba, sailing, woodworking, construction, gardening, vintage cars… But I don’t “love” any of them. I don’t CRAVE to do them. I don’t come home and say “omg, I can’t wait to go biking”. I go biking cause I have nothing else to do and it fills time and helps keep me healthy. When I was doing woodworking, I didn’t CRAVE to go do it. I went to do it cause I just wanted to get the project done.

Etc etc. The same shit over and over. I apply the same to my relationship. I enjoy my time with Charles, but do I love him? Do I want to spend my entire life with him? Probably not.

What the hell do I love, what the hell do I WANT to do in my life to make it feel rewarding and exciting.

I bought a ’71 Torino years ago, probably cause I was lonely and bored and wanted something to fill my time. I’m looking at a Sailboat now. Am I just going to do the same thing, spent a ton of money on it and then regret having it. I just dunno. Like I enjoy sailing, I think? But is it something that I want to do enough that I want to have my own boat.

And that’s the thing too, do I actually ENJOY sailing enough to want to do it that much?

What the hell do I LOVE to do that I can spend more time doing it. Charles LOVES tennis. I feel I don’t LOVE anything.

What do I want out of life? What makes me happy and makes me want to get up in the morning and enjoy my day. I have no clue. I’m 41 years old and have no clue what I want to do to make me happy.

The other thing that’s frustrating me is these damn apartments. I was expecting to be flush with cash and it just seems like no matter what we do, I’m just spending and spending and spending. In the past month I’ve had to invest $40k into them because the previous PM just put these trash druggie tenants in who completely TRASHED the apartments. I’ve had to remodel 4 apartments. One guy fucking DREW a dart board on the wall and threw darts at it. He also knocked all the drywall out of the wall between the bedroom and the living room. Like WHO THE FUCK does this shit. It’s just really getting me down. I should be seeing my savings grow, not collapse.

And then the relationship. I enjoy our time but shit just pisses me the fuck off. TODAY is a perfect example of the kind of crap that I cannot deal with. He had today off, I had to go to work. I asked him before I left for work today to go get groceries. I get home from work and he said he “FORGOT” to go get them. Instead he spent his afternoon at the tennis court hitting balls. I get home at 3:30 and he says that his friend wants to play tennis. I ask him how long he will be and he says “one hour” and he would get groceries after. It’s now been NEARLY THREE HOURS and he’s still playing tennis. So by the time he gets home from playing tennis and getting groceries it’s going to be fucking 8:30 or 9pm. I’m so fucking pissed about this right now.

So, it’s been a while since I got back from the trip, but I wanted to post an update.

The trip overall was fun and great. There were times where I was just totally over the big group though and I thought that we did a bit too much temple viewing in Thailand. But whatever.

Philippines was fine. But because it wasn’t really PLANNED because that was “too stressful”, we didn’t get as much done as I thought we could. IE there were days where we did a morning activity and then nothing else, or days where we spent most of the day just going “well what do we do now” type things.

Overall it went way better than I thought. Honestly I thought we would get into a lot of fights but there was really only one BIG one.

Since we got back, things have also been generally better. I’ve noticed he’s been helping to pay for things more, he’s been more caring. But we still have problems.

After grandma passed, I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on my childhood, time spent down at grandpa and grandma’s house and how wonderful life was in the 80’s and 90′ as a kid in Lenox, IA

The house is for sale and I keep dreaming of buying it. Remodelding it back to the way I remember and just keeping it as a keep sake. It seems crazy, I know it is. But I long for just one more day of childhood, to be there again at grandma and grandpa’s house.

To come down at christmas and smell the noodles and roast cooking for dinner, to see the Christmas tree setup in the living room and the piles of piles of presents under it. To stay the week for new years with Rebecca and order pizza from breaduex to watch the ball drop. To go out and shovel the walks with grandpa. To spend the days watching I love Lucy and dragnet reruns

To go for spring break, typically wasting the day away until Rebecca got out of school, Grandpa and I would go pick her up and then we would have fun around town, riding our bikes, playing hide and seek.

To go for the summer and spend the days camping in the back yard, chasing lightening bugs, going fishing and swimming at the lakes, spend every day at the Lenox pool, rollerblading around town. Helping grandpa with the garden and mowing the yard. Rolling around in the grass, feeding the squirrels. Grandma cooking dinners and cookies every night. Waiting for noon whistle because we knew grandma would be home soon and then the 1pm whistle so we knew the pool was open!

To go in fall for thanksgiving, again the smell of grandma’s roast, cookies, pies, the whole family gathering together to spend the day. Finding grandpa sound asleep in his chair, “watching” the football games.

I just long for one more week with them, in the house, with the shag green carpets, the laminated dinning table and the pleather rolly chairs, without any cares in the world. With the bright future to think of ahead and to just live our days and our lives. The 80’s and 90’s were truly an amazing time to be a kid and I wish we could experience it one more time. I wish I could give my kids that some day. But they’ll never get to experience the same.

Going up to the Main Street and getting ice cream, biscuits and gravy on wed, doughnuts on saturday from Casey’s. Hearing grandpa’s HAM radio all day. The smells of the house, of grandpa and grandma.

The simple life of small town America as kids, free to do what we wanted, free to go where we wanted. NO rules, just life your life and be home for dinner.

It’s been a while since I posted again. Things have been a whirlwind of shit and work has been crazy.

Work related, they fired Catey which sucked but also was needed. They promoted her replacement from inside and he’s a great person to work with. I like that he makes hard decisions and sticks with them. They also hired a new guy, but honestly I don’t like him very much so far. We will see how that goes.

Charles and I are back together, we broke up for a few days, he was going to look for new places but then we worked it out. Honestly though this is not going to last long term.
1) He forgot my birthday. I reminded him about it the Saturday before (1 week before). I asked him to try and get the day off so we could do something together. He forgot to take the day off. When I reminded him about it, he didn’t do anything to try and get people to cover him so he could have it off. He didn’t make dinner or any other plans until the day of my birthday. He’s the MANAGER who MAKES the schedules, there’s no reason he shouldn’t be able to get it off.

2) His just general inability to care or ask about my day, follow up on things, etc. I guess maybe I just require too much out of him, but I want someone who’s fucking willing to ask me about my day, care about my life in general, etc.

3) When my grandma died, I felt like he could have done a lot more to make it better for me, make me feel more loved, etc.

4) My aunt, uncle and I drove our asses off to try and make it back in time for HIS birthday. I told him I would be back in time for dinner. He scheduled his birthday party for noon. I ended up arriving right back at noon. He couldn’t have waited one or two hours to host his birthday lunch. Then after his birthday lunch instead of coming home to see his boyfriend who’d been gone for a week burying his grandma. He choose to spend more time with his friend just shopping, prioritizing himself and his friend over seeing me and comforting me.

5) We were at his cousins house last weekend. We were talking about the month long trip we are leaving on and he was complaining that it’s “too stressful” because everything is planned out already and we have stuff to do almost every day. Bitch you’re getting a basically FREE FUCKING TRIP to Thailand and the Philippines completely planned out. And you’re bitching that it’s too stressful. How about you fucking be GRATEFUL for it.

6) He can’t communicate his feelings or have serious discussions about anything. He just shuts down. And to include this he just can’t communicate period sometimes. Like he is unable to reply to messages, etc.

7) He can’t manage money and honestly, sometimes I feel like he’s just into this relationships FOR the money. He makes decent money but I feel like he doesn’t contribute to the “family” enough.

8) I just don’t think we’re sexually compatible long term.

I just don’t know what to do in life right now. Like I’m making all this “money” but it never seems to say in my accounts. I feel like I’m getting ahead and then all of a sudden something comes up and it’s all gone.. IE this month alone I have to pay $55k in taxes, again! Fucking taxes are killing me.

I want to go sailing, I want to go RVing. I want a nice house somewhere. I want a BOYFRIEND who meets/matches me. I dunno. I’m just pretty lost and not sure what to do/where to go/ how to live.

On top of it, I’ve gained like 20 lbs and I feel disgusting.