A Little More About Chiba

So I confronted Chiba about the things that guy said about him the other day…

He says they are all lies and that he never “fucked” anyone off Adam4Adam.. Which I still think is a complete lie. I mean, he wanted to fuck the FIRST time I met him! So I mean just based on that experience he has to have fucked someone else off of there! God damn lying son of a bitch people. He acted really pissed that anyone would say such things about him. But who knows what’s going on. I tried to explain to him that I was just letting him know what people were saying and that there are MUCH worse rumors about me going around the OC.

I also said to him that I should have just listened to Gregory. When I first met Gregory he said, “Would you rather have some fun and just fuck around with him, or have him for a week and get heart broken” or something along those lines. Clearly I should have just fucked around with Mayko and kept it at that.

I never really did like Gregory though, perhaps he had an alternative motive. He always seemed a little creepy to me. Openly admiting he was dating/fucking 3-4 guys at a time, older guy who always had a younger (and very hot) guy on his arm. Constantly trying to get Mayko and I go to back to his place to “just hang out”. Yeah right. I know hanging out would have lead to him trying to get sex.

Also Mayko claims he hardly ever goes out to the bars/clubs. But yet he seems to know EVERYONE there! It’s just strange. How can that possibly be. I don’t get it. Sometimes I wish I could just follow these people around and see what they really do. Mayko always claimed he was up till 3-4 am.. Just “chatting” online. I now feel that that chatting means he was going over to peoples houses and fucking till 3-4am.

Anyways, so we talked yesterday about that… Then at 11:00pm he randomly sent me a txt just to say goodnight. I was still awake, so we sent back and forth about 10 minutes or so. Just talking about his work and my day, etc. I dunno what to do.

I hate the fact that when I start to like a guy. I automatically go into. “What would our future be like” mode. I start thinking out 5,10 years. To see if I could see myself with them. And since Mayko was so close to the holidays. I automatically stated thinking about Christmas and Thanksgiving in the future. I imaginged taking Keira with us to Japan or Brazil for the holidays. I imagined us taking my fall international trip together. I imagined him coming to my parents and grandparents house for the holidays.

We even talked about going places together. Palm Springs, Italy, stuff like that. UGH! I need to just not think about that till later. But it’s how I judge people, it’s one of the main criteria that I think about when I start to like someone. CAN I IMAGINE us together? If it’s a yes, then its good to go!

But you know, just because I think about these things, doesn’t mean that I _love_ these people. It just means that I like them and wonder what if would be like to be with them. Because honestly if I can’t _see_ myself with them, I don’t feel like I can _be_ with them. It really annoys me that people automatically equate these two things.

I think one of the reasons I liked him so much was because he was exotic, he was different, he didn’t fit the mold of people I usually go for. Which was refreshing. He seemed real, seemed honest.

Lastly (on this topic at least), another thing that is really bothering me is that there are a few other guys who I enjoy hanging out with and really like personality wise, but I just can’t find myself sexually attracked to them. It’s a bit annoying really. I guess these are what you call friends. But I don’t want just friends. I don’t do friends well, I can’t balance them. And since most of my friends are in such drastically different social environments they don’t mesh well into groups of friends (Trust me, I’ve tried). I need a socialite for a partner to balance friends and tell me where to go. I’ll balance the financial and business parts of the life.

The other topic I wanted to cover is that I have all these people who tell me I’m so hot, I’m so desirable, I’m so nice, I’m so blah blah blah… I know they are just trying to help and cheer me up and tell me that I’ll find someone right. But it just brings me down so much more. If I really am all these things that they say I am, why can’t I find someone who likes me for who I am and wants to date me. Rather then just fuck me. Yeah, I know there are a LOT of people who would love to fuck me. I’d fuck me! But I want someone who wants to DATE me! I’m turning 25 in a few weeks. My plan was to be getting Engaged/Married by now! Not just dating around and constanty being dumped.

I know I have a full life ahead of me, but this is not what I wanted at this time of my life. I want to settle down and start my family together. I don’t want to wait any longer and continue to be single. Everyone says that you should be able to be happy alone. And in general I _am_ a happy person and I enjoy myself and my life. But what I _want_ out of life is not to be alone right now, I want to have a family and someone to come home to every day, someone to talk to, someone to love and care for.