My Life

One last post about him

I just cannot get him off my mind. This always happens anytime I am dumped. I always hyper focus on them and can’t get past it. This has to be the last post, the move on point. It’s been almost two weeks. He hasn’t reached out, he hasn’t replied to any of my instagram stories, he hasn’t called. He never will again.

I was getting past it, I was moving on and then yesterday our cycling group rode right past his house. It of course brought up so much in my mind. Is he home, is Eric there with him. etc etc.

I think about him constantly, I saw the red flags though, why didn’t I listen. He told me about 3 or 4 guys in the past couple years who have fallen in love with him and he broke their hearts. When he and I first started hanging out there was this guy that would call him constantly, text him non-stop. Charles had just broken that guys heart. Now he was onto mine. I should have listened to myself, those jokes I made, they were true. Not just jokes I guess. I was really hoping that this one would actually last, that something would finally stick to me.

Was there ever a chance for us? I’ve told the story to a couple people and they all say he’s an asshole, he knew what he was doing. They said he was using me to make Eric jealous. So that Eric would dump his bf and then they could be together. I don’t believe it. I believe Charles had feelings, I believe he cared about me. Did he shed any tears over the past 1.5 weeks for me? Does he think about me at all? Do I cross his mind and he wonders if I will text him?

What I can’t get over is just how quickly it changed. How Monday night we hung out, we had plans for the rest of the week. How he texted me Tuesday morning “do you want to carve pumpkins later this week”. Then Wed, it was all over. Everything was gone.

I wish he would message me “Hiiiii” again. I wish I could feel his arms around me. I wish he would reply to an instagram story and we could talk again. I wish he would just show up at my front door, saying he cares about me.

I question myself all the time, did I not move fast enough for him. Did he just settle for Eric because he wanted a relationship and I wasn’t moving fast enough for him to get there. Did he have self doubts about “Is Chris too goood for me”; “Will chris just dump me for the next best thing”. Cause I can tell you that’s not who I am. That’s not what I was looking for. I remember early on in our “dating” that he asked me when my last date was. It was the day before, I had taken Mark sailing. I told him, because of course I am honest. But that was the last date I ever went on when I was dating Charles. I saw in his eyes that it hurt him to hear that. So I stopped going on dates. I didn’t want to hurt him at all.

That weekend in Fort Bragg, I wanted to ask him to be my boyfriend. It had been one month of us hanging out, of us seeing each other nearly every day. But I didn’t want to move “too fast”. Is one month too fast? I honestly have no idea.

I should have seen it all though. I should have stepped back. There were multiple red flags. At the wedding, he texted me ‘I wish you were here’. But then he invite Eric instead. He went to that comedy show, had an extra ticket. He invited Eric instead. He was planning a halloween party at his house, he invited Eric instead. Him and Eric were already planning a road trip together for Thanksgiving. Eric was always #1 from the first day I met him. I should have seen it. I should have never gotten as close as I did to Charles.

But yet, I still just want him to call me. I want to see his face pop up on my phone, hear his voice, smell his body, see his smile again. I wake up and the first thing I think it “Maybe he messaged me something overnight”. I look at my phone and I’m disappointed every day. I know he will never text me. I know he will never again reach out. I told him I needed space. He’s going to give me space. But I want to just fight for him. But that looks desperate.

I wish him the best life. I want him to be happy. But I also just want my happy ending. I want to be the one that ends up with the guy at the end of the movie. But instead, I’m in the never ending movie of just getting dumped and let down.

It makes me go back to people like Glenn, again did I just not move fast enough. We were going well before Christmas. I left, I come back and suddenly he’s dating someone else. They are still together. Same with Ranie and who knows who else.

I watched this YouTube the other day about this couple that had just completed a 4 year circumnavigation of the globe. They were doing a Q&A and one of the questions was “What’s the best thing about sailing around the globe” and their reply was “The amount of time you get to spend with your partner alone”. That’s so fucking cute. That after 4 years living together on a tiny boat. Spending 20 or 30 days at a time on the open sea with just the two of them, they still love each other and care about each other so much that the best thing about it was the TIME they got together. I just want to find that guy. That guy that wants to spend that much time with me.

I was excited about Charles because he was wanting to spend so much time with me. He even sent me his schedule that week and I said “wow this is a great schedule” an he said: “I have to consider you now”. That’s so fucking sweet. He MADE his work schedule purposely so that he could have more time to spend with me. And then suddenly it was all over.

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