My Life

Betrayed again.

The long running saga of me and Jason hits another betrayal. I won’t get super into the history but we’ve been “best friends” for 15 years and I’ve never felt totally included in his life. He always hides major things, lies to me constantly and we’ve had 2 previous falling outs over his lies.
Honestly, I’m not even sure when we started talking again most recently maybe 6-9 months ago. He came back to me after our last falling out and said he’s changed and blah blah blah.
So over the past months we’ve fallen back into our old habits, chatting every day all day long, talking about stuff, we’ve hung out a couple times and things seemed to be great. I thought we were really getting along much better then previously and things really had changed.
Then this past weekend happened. One of my rental trailers is stuck in Seattle. I need to go up there to rescue it, so I called him up and said “How about I come stay with you in PDX for the weekend and we can just run over there and grab the trailer.” When I called him he was very iffy about the whole thing I even said on the phone “I thought you’d be more excited about it”. Well later that day he texts me a picture of a cat and he said: “I had to ask my roommate”. Now, Jason HATES animals. He’s always hated them, he’s too much of a neat freak, so I thought. WOW He really has changed if he got a cat! So we start planning out the weekend and talking about the things we would do while I’m up there. Then yesterday he says to me: “Apple has me stressing about what will happen when kitty and puppy meet”; I said something about “Oh, so what’s up with Apple” and he said something about “many roommates, me, kitty, apple, you, puppy hair”. So WTF he’s living with APPLE this whole time and never once mentioned this? So he’s been hiding the fact that him and apple live together?

I’m struggling Chris. Honestly.
Like I don’t know what I want in life and I don’t know what’s up with you. And just everything.
Like I thought maybe if we duck out for the weekend when we go get trailer we can talk more.
If you want me to say what I was thinking I will.
I trust you and try and be open with you but at the same time you kind of make it difficult for me too
I know you trust me and can be open. But I’ve never been able to trust anyone. And it’s just so hard for me.
Like what am I scared of. And I’ve known you for 15 years!!!!!
I just always fear rejection I think and sometimes you’re kind of mean to me. So I recoil a bit. I don’t think it’s purposeful on your part.
And I guess I just never know with you. And I know that’s a super unhelpful and general statement. And that’s where some of my shyness / apprehension / really letting me kind of be more open. Like some parts of our relationship are good and others not always. Some of it is your communication or lack also.

So seriously. Like WTF does any of this have to do with him hiding the fact that he and Apple are living together. And are the living together as BF’s?! And then trying to blame it on me? THat’s where things really went down hill. We got into a huge fight about everything and now I’m just over it.

We’ve been friends for 15 years, I literally tell him EVERYTHING and yet he says he’s “shy” towards me?! That he can’t even BOTHER to mention in MONTHS that he’s living with some guy? He’s never treated me like he truly cares.

At one point he said something about “I never know where we stand.” And I said, “We’re friends, we’ve always been just friends” and he replied with “Comon, clearly it’s more than just friends”. Yeah, MAYBE it could have been more than just friends, but you’ve lied and betrayed me since the beginning. You’ve NEVER included me as anything more than just that guy. When we lived blocks from each other in Redondo, he NEVER included me in his group of friends, never included me in his trips to Palm Springs, NEVER included me in his group vacations, or even just going out to the local bars on a Friday night. When he lived in PDX, he NEVER included me on the weekend trips to the coast, he NEVER included me on the camping trips he went on. We had planned a vacation to Palm Springs together at one point. He cancelled a WEEK before because some of his other friends invited him on a “Better” vacation. He didn’t even BOTHER to ask me if I wanted to go on that trip.

How can I have any sort of relationship with someone who treats me like this? He doesn’t include me, he’s not honest with me, he hides shit from me all the time.

I mean, I’m heartbroken, AGAIN. I thought we were finally getting through all this shit, that we were FINALLY moving forward as actual best friends. And then BOOM. It’s all over. I can’t do anything else with him. I can NEVER trust him again.

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