My Life

Same story, over and over

It seems to be the same thing over and over again with me. Find a guy, like a guy, something happens between us, shortly after they seem to have a husband/etc.

Now the latest is that apparently Wings is with someone. I don’t know exactly what’s going on as he has been messaging but being very vague about it. It’s just frustrating. Everyone is getting into relationships. I want one and can’t make anything work. I’m just giving up on it all. I haven’t been on dates in ages. I’ve stopped checking tinder/okcupid. I am just so over this BS.

Wings and I were talking and he said it’s because “You don’t want a [bf]. I bet so many guys want you.”

If that’s the case. WHERE ARE THEY? Yes HI guy wants me (for sure). I know there’s some other guys who have WANTED me but did I want them back? For various reasons, no.

Darin said that I hold onto regrets too much. Which is probably true. I hold on to too much I guess.

For instance, why can I not just go back 3 years and not fuck shit up with Calvin. Can’t I just go back to that trip to Vancouver Island and change it to be the way I had thought it would go. That was supposed to have been the trip that made us move to the next step (in my mind). But it went completely bonkers.

Why can’t I go back a year ago to Wings and not fuck it up with him. At the time I was so confused and pulled between him and Army. Army and I had already planned the Vietnam trip and Wings kept getting angry about it. Wanting me to cancel. Getting jealous. I wish I had just sat down and TALKED to him and tried to make it work. Tried to make him understand that even though I really did care about Army that I was dedicated to HIM!

Now with the HI guy thing, he lied to me about so much, but he kept apologizing and going on and on. I finally agreed to let him have a second chance. I don’t want to REGRET missing out on that again but I still feel like things aren’t progressing there. I can’t move on past the lies. I am trying but I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to just JUMP back into being all kissy and lovey and what not.

Everything is just a mess… I’m also super annoyed about my house lately. It was supposed to be a quick buy, fix, flip and make some money to get a cuter/nicer smaller house. Well the market is flat and I’ve put WAY more money into this damn place then I wanted too. I stopped counting once it hit $100k. I’m sure it’s WAY more now. Like closer to $150k and I’ve barely even started the outside projects. I hate my job. Ugh.

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