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My Life Not Published

To the Bay

A lot has happened since my last real post, about my breakup with Calvin. We’ve still been texting every day but we haven’t really talked since the breakup. I still wonder to myself if it was the right decision. I haven’t been on a date since, been getting more and more depressed and just sitting at home with Astra.

Then in June I was notified that the company was being sold. I wasn’t sure to who, but was given a huge list of things to prepare for them. I was one of the first people to know, but being the lead IT person you have to get them a lot of information early in the process. In August I met the new owners, they were nice but I found out they were MORMON. Yes, the LDS Church itself was buying out the company! I could go on for hours about how I feel about that.

In November the sale completed. It was an asset only buy out, so on Tuesday we were working for the old company, at the end of the day, we all got fired and then on Wednesday we were told if we had a new job or not. I didn’t have a job. I was asked to stay on for 6 months during the transition. This week is my last week with the company.

I decided I would really push to try and grow my VOIP business, I hired a sales person, a business consultant, marketing campaigns. I’ve spent $15k+ and I have 0 new customers to show for that.

I quickly found a new job at a food processing company in the Bay area of California. They agreed that they would wait until the 6 months were up. I’ve spent 10 years of my life in California, I really didn’t want to move back there so I continued applying for jobs elsewhere. All I’ve received are rejection letters.

This past weekend was packing day. My entire life has been shoved again into shipping containers. I’m moving to California. Starting life again with no friends, a new job, a new city.

I’m not happy about it. As I stated in my last post (although now I’m a year older). I was hoping that by now in my life I would be married, happily living in a house with a huge yard on the edge of a bigger city. Our dogs, our life, being happy.

Instead, I’m constantly on the verge of tears almost every day. I go home, I walk my dog, I sit and I watch TV. I contemplate what’s next in life, what else could I be doing for money/life.

If only I weren’t HIV+, this would be easier to just NOT take a job for 6 months and try to find something else. But I have to have healthcare, I have to buy a $2,500/month medicine to live.

If only I were more able to think about ways to support myself, grow honey and eggs, sell everything and become a farmer, be a better salesman and grow my VOIP, become a woodworker or metal worker. Just something, anything that would allow me to live life and not work for “the man”. To make someone ELSE rich.

Here I am upsetting my life, moving back to California, and not happy in the least about doing it.

What’s really upsetting about this is seeing some of the people I’ve dated in the past. There’s this one guy, at the time he was a college drop out with no job, I introduced him to a friend, I pushed him to go back to school. Now, he’s living the live _I_ would want. Running his own business, being successful. Why can’t _I_ actually do that for myself.

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