So Friday night I had my discussion with Ben. The night before I had had HORRIBLE dreams about it and actually woke up crying my eyes out at one point. It was bad… The actual discussion, not so bad. But still very hurtful. We’re just friends. I got the same old lame excuse of “I’m not ready for anything serious.” Even though he kept saying he was earlier on. Boys. Make up your fucking mind before you start to date people. The whole way home I felt like breaking out in tears, but I held them back.
I’ve really been trying to evaluate my life recently. Things just aren’t going that great. My friends all seem to be disappearing, the ones I do have don’t tell me anything or invite me out anywhere. It’s really just annoying. IE, Andrew and Austin, WTF happened to them? I guess Chris was right when he said that Andrew had no intention of keeping in touch with me, because ever since Christmas we haven’t spoken a word. Austin is just crazy, I want to try and talk to him, but every time we talk it just ends in a fight. Very annoying. Mostly it’s because he doesn’t feel that having a conversation over AIM is a _real_ conversation. What, do you think you are just talking to a computer over here? Because you’re not. There’s a real person behind this keyboard! Then times when I invite him out he’s too tired, or just wants to play on his computer.
I’ve had a few days since I wrote the above, but it’s just gotten worse. I hate what happened between Ben and I. It’s not what I wanted at all. He’s gone for the week, and then next week we have 4 things going on that we had planned to go to. I’m not sure what’s going to happen with those. UGH!
This weekend was pretty good, I spent all day Saturday doing random things and being in a bad mood, regretting what had happened on Friday. I got my oil changed and then tried to unclog my bathtub drain. Fucking things. I have an appointment today for them to come out and clean it. What a mess. I’ve been showering with water up to my knees and then having to take it out in buckets to dump in the toilet. lol. Ben invited me out that night with Him, Jason and Robert, but I didn’t really feel like seeing him, I would have just been sad.
Sunday I got up and rode up to Trancus Canyon to meet the double century on the way back. We had to wait an hour before the first people made it in. I met up with Nick for a while, but he said that JC was really far back, so I headed out of there about 1ish.
Got back to Santa Monica and was supposed to meet up with my friend Manny again for a movie. I called him 3 times and he never answered. He finally called me back at 8:30 and said he had fallen asleep! What a lame excuse! He says he wants to hang out soon though. Whatever.
Saturday I was talking to this guy on Yahoo, and he started his webcam for me (I didn’t ask). So we’re chatting away and I’m just watching it out of the corner of my eye and also watching TV. All of a sudden he jumps up and starts a little strip show. I tell him I don’t want to see it, but he doesn’t stop. So I close the window…. Then he goes off on me, telling me I made him feel like a slut/whore, etc. WTF?! What is WRONG with these people! He was a really nice guy up till that point too! haha.