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My Life

Helpful people.

Sometimes, people I don’t even know in person can be more helpful and friendly then my so called best friend.

You know sometimes you scare me. The tenor of the last entry in your blog

would frighten anyone who has seen two suicides occur to two people I knew.Both

were nice,good looking young males like you. One was in his mid twenties the

other was 20 and in college.

I wanted to help the first one because I saw the signs. But his mother spoke

to my parents and they spoke to me. I was told to BUTT OUT!. Sure enough a

few years later a self inflicted gun shot ended his life.I was devastated. The

second one was a young guy whom I’m very sure had gay feelings although I

suspect he was more bi than just gay. I saw some of the same symptoms in him but

since I didn’t know him as well I didn’t say much outside of talk with his

mother once about what I saw as depression. About a year later he hung himself in a

closet in his dorm room at school.I still have his obituary as it was listed

in our local newspaper. I really felt guilty after that one because I felt

that I should have done more. I still feel remorse about it.

Now I read in a blog about a young guy who expresses the thought that dying

might be easier than living.Someone with whom I have never met personally but

have conversed with over the internet a number of times. One whom I consider

to be a distant friend whom I hope one day to count as a very close friend.I

have already lost two friends. If I lost a third I just don’t know what I would

do.

Now I realize Chris that you are very upfront and open with your feelings

and it shows in your blog.You seem to have greater mood swings in your life than

most people I know.Perhaps you are just one who expresses those emotions more

easily than most.

I’m not suggesting that you are bi-polar or manic-depressive or something

like that. But I would feel much more comfortable if you were aware on your

emotions on a more conscious level.

Chris you have my telephone number. If the time comes where you just feel

rejected and depressed ,just pick up the phone and call me. Even collect!I do

care!

This is an especially difficult day when you feel abandoned by someone with

whom you had felt so close to and even loved.But you do have other friends.

Think of the positive aspects of your life. They are there. Remember I told you

a couple of months ago,love can happen when you least expect it. And if not

love, you do have friends. Think of us as “life preservers”. We can keep you

afloat until you get to shore and and can walk on dry land again. But a life

preserver won’t work unless you use it.

Chris I do care about you . I wish you much happiness. But you have to care

about yourself as much as others do. Don’t let us down.WE care about you too

much.

Wishing you happiness and love always,

My Reply:

I’m sorry to have frightened you. I very well could be manic-depressive

as I’ve had a long history of depression (been on zolfot from 14-19

years old, and off and on again since then) as well as suicide attempts.

Though I’ve determined I’m actually too cowardly to do it for real.

Though sometimes I really do think that it’s just too much to go on with

every day, the stress and pain of it all. I really though that Andrew

would be my last boyfriend that we’d be together for the rest of our

lives. I moved here with that hope and that dream. Everyone told me it

was stupid to do, to move so far for someone. And they were all right.

It was stupid. I should have never done it. Back in July when he first

broke up with me, I though. I should just move back to Iowa now, I

wasn’t enjoying it here, and I knew now I had no reason to be here. I

should have moved then, I should have up and quit and moved back.

Swallowed my pride and given up there and then.

But I didn’t, I hoped that when he got back things would be wonderful

again, things would be great and we’d get back together… But things

didn’t. He tried, and I tried. But I couldn’t get over how pissed I was

at him for making me move here and then a month later breaking up with

me and not even giving it a shot to work it out…. Not even waiting

that one more month we had to be apart to come out here and try it to

see how things would go. He just up and dumped me. At the time he said

it was because this fucker from NJ made him question our relationship.

Now he claims he doesn’t have an excuse for doing it. Who knows really?

I can tell you I want to fucking punch that fucker in the face.

The last 7 months have been hell since. We’ve tried to be friends, we’ve

tried getting back together, we’ve tried it all and nothing worked…

Now it’s over, and it’s over for good. Sadly not only did our chances of

a relationship end, but so did our friendship. I can’t stand the idea of

how many people he suddenly has throwing themselves at him. I can’t

stand that he’s out there having fun with someone else and not me. I

came here with so many things on my mind that we were supposed to do

together. And now they’re never going to happen… And neither is that

trip to China we had planned for 2008… I had planned that far out, if

we were still together, I wanted to ask him to marry me there… but now

those dreams are all gone.

I went there at 1am last night to try and talk to him, to try and see if

we could work out friendship. But I got there and HE was still there.

Andrew just met him this weekend, and already he was staying the night.

That was the end of it. I couldn’t take it any more. I can’t have him in

my life if I want to even think about moving forward on another

relationship. I can’t have him around if I want to try and love someone

else.

I can’t do it.

And sometimes, I just can’t do life.

This weekend’s vacation is well needed.

Chris.

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