Even though this was a REALLY great weekend, I spent more time of it then I should have been upset about something.
Most of it was spent being upset about the whole Infection thing that Andrew has. We talked on the way there about it and he says that he thinks its because of us having sex. Now I believe that because I can’t think of anything else that would have caused it.
That makes me feel really bad, mainly because now, for me at least, the first time that we’ve had sex is going to be in my mind as the time that Andrew got an infection. And that just really sucks. I mean, I still feel the same way emotionaly, and I really enjoyed the fact that we could share that, and it means a lot to me. But it’s still going to remembered as not only the great time that it was for the both of us, but also as the time that Andrew got an infection. It just really sucks.
It also sucks because that’s turned him off from sex. Now, it doesn’t really bother me, on the level of, Damn now I can’t have sex but on the level of, Damn now we can’t share that And I just feel really bad about that. I also feel bad because from what I gather, Andrew’s had mostly bad experiences with sex. And I was really hoping that this would be a really good experience for him. And it turned out not being as such.
I really regret not using a condom for that time. But I’m really glad that we got to share that closeness. And I hope that we only continue to grow closer in the last few weeks we have together.
Other then that one problem there really wasn’t anything else. The weekend was REALLY great, and in the end I’m very glad that Dustin did cancell on us. I think that it was a great time to get to hang out, and it’s really brought me a lot closer to him.
It’s also really made me realize how much I’m going to miss him when he’s gone. He spent a lot of time this weekend talking about moving and his new roomates and the like and that really scared me.
Here it is. Only 3 more weeks left, and there’s still so much to do. There were so many times this weekend where I just wanted to break down and cry and hold him and tell him how much I loved him, and how happy I am, and how lucky I am to have him as a boy friend.
To tell him how how much happier I am with him. And how glad I am that we talked, and I decided to break up with Adam. I’m glad so glad that I broke my promise to that I made to myself not to date him, because he’s nothing like I thought he was when I told myself that.
And now looking back on that, I think I probably told myself that because I was becoming to close to him, and stuff.
The ride home was the worst part though, I was so glad that he slept most of the way so that I could just sit there in self-pitty and think to myself. And so that I could hold his hand, and Admire him while he slept…
Which is probably the time that he’s most beautiful.
Once we got back to his house, I didn’t want to stay long because I knew that if I did, I would end up breaking down. So I left quickly, though it ended up being a bit too quick. I felt as though he was pushing along the goodbye.
I drove home pratically in tears the whole way. I just can’t believe that in 3 weeks the best thing that’s ever happened to me is going to be gone, and that scares me to no end.
Another thing that really scares me is what’s going to happen between us once he moves. I know I’ve brought this up before, but it is really scary, and I don’t know what he’s thinking about it all.
On the one hand, it’d be nice to keep up a relationship, but what’s the probabiliy of it actually working out long distance. And on the other hand, taking a break, but then I’ll feel like shit when he goes out and gets other bf’s while he’s in Cali. I know this is probably sounding really obsesive about now, so I’ll stop.
But it does bring us to another point… The trip. I’m willing to spend up to $700 total for the whole thing. Now I know that probably seems like way to much to be spending to see my bf of what will be 4 months off to college. But I look at it as more of a nice vacation for me. I just happen to be seeing my bf off to college at the same time. That’s why I’m willing to spend so much on it all. Not because I’m crazy.
Though it really does mean a lot to me to see him off to college, don’t get me wrong. And I’m really looking forward to seeing where he used to live and get to have so much fun, and helping him get into his first dorm room. I only wish that I had someone to help me when I first moved into my dorm room. It was such a scary time, and I really needed someone there for me.
At least here he will, I’ll be there for him. And I hope that he knows how much I care for him and how much I hope he enjoys Cali.
With Love,
Topher.
PS, I hope this doesn’t cause any problems… I forsee it doing as such… Drew Bear, if you want to call me after you read this, feel free too. I love you baby, and I don’t want you being upset… Nothing was meant to do as such.
PPS, this update will be edited tomorrow about the following topics: 1) Housing, 2) Orange Cum