WARNING: THIS EDITION OF ANDREW’S JOURNAL IS DEPRESSING. DO NOT SAY I DID NOT WARN YOU. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.
With that said, I can go on. My day began with me waking up at 8 for no damn good reason because I failed my Physics final. Halfway through, I was like whatever A- is good. Then I lost all balls and didn’t ask Mrs. Every for an A+ because I think it would be very rude of me. Emily and I went for breakfast and that was fun. I came home, worked on some SAT stuff, and decided to go down to Java’s to study and take care of some stuff.
I went down there at 12:30. I wrote most of my social influence thing, so that was productive of me. I then began studying for my ACTs, and things went downhill from there. First off, on the English section (the one where I SHOULD do best, mind you) I missed like 17! Do you know how fucking bad that is? I know I probably sound stupid to be bitching about this, but missing 17 would give me like a 20 on the English section. When I took it the first time, I got a 31 on English, which means I missed like 5. I couldn’t believe it. My Math score was actually better, though I gave up halfway through because I couldn’t understand anything. The more I worked, the more fruitless it seemed. And I started thinking “Well, 29 is good anyway, I don’t even need to retake.” WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!? Suddenly it’s like I don’t care anymore. But I have to.. if I don’t do this right, I’ll end up at Iowa, and I can’t, I just can’t. I know it sounds stupid, but no one even understands how this is…
I then wrote my personal statement for UCLA. All about moving, and coming out, and how hard it was blah blah blah. I’m sure it’s not good.
I decided after that whole fiasco, that I needed to take a walk. So I just walked around downtown. And, just as I had expected, David thoughts came. I passed Kirkwood Hotel (he once made up this elaborate story about how it is haunted), Nolen Plaza (where we used to sit and talk), the Civic Center (where we saw Phantom of the Opera because I bought him tickets for his bday), the Des Moines Public Library (which we ran past one night because we were scared), and ended up down by the bridges, near that stage thing.
Well, David and I used to go there a lot. He always used to say he wanted to get married there. We would talk and watch the water and be happy. One night (much to my dismay… I don’t like to plan things like this), David was talking about how he wanted to get married there and he said he wanted us to act out our wedding. After some coaxing, I agreed, and we walked down, and got on the center platform together. David said some stuff and we kissed and he said it would happen for real some day.
I went and stood in the center of the platform. And began crying. Imagine that. I just cried and cried and cried. Thank God no one was around to see me. I thought of all the good times, all the bad times.. I guess I needed it. Sometimes I like to have a good cry. Just feels good, ya know?
I got weak. I could feel it. And at the same time, I wanted and needed to do it. I got out my phone and called David. I was wishing, hoping, pleading in my mind that he would pick up. I wanted to remind him that I loved him and that he means the world to me. He didn’t answer. My heart was pounding so fast, tears were going down my face… and he didn’t answer. I had a feeling from the start that he wouldn’t, because he never answers when I call… but I thought maybe this time would be different. Maybe I am still naive about things…. I called his dorm.. thought maybe he left his cell phone somewhere. “Yeah, David’s here, but he’s on the phone” “oh… ok.” So he saw that I called, and chose not to click over…. and also chose not to call back.
Why does he do this? The other night, we talked for like 40 minutes, then he said he’d call me back in 1, and he never called back. What did I do to deserve this? NOTHING! I just don’t understand. It’s like when I call, he won’t even answer, but when he calls me, I’m expected to drop everything and talk to him. I wish he would just disappear! I need to get outta here.. I need to go somewhere.. I need a damn vacation.
I am all set to have the best Christmas ever, and I know he’s gonna ruin it. He’ll ruin it because he’ll be here, and he won’t call me. I want to get him a gift, but I know it won’t even cross his mind to get me something. I want to see him over break, but I’m sure that wouldn’t fly well with Nate…
FOUR MONTHS! Four damn months! What is my deal?? Summer’s gonna be even worse than Christmas. Hopefully by then I’ll be over this. If I’m not, I can tell you I will be pretty damn upset. I should’ve been over this a long time ago. It keeps throwing my life off kilter. Everything is fine for like 2 days, then I’m like “Oh my God, I’m in love with David” then I cry, then I freak out, then I’m ok for a few more days.
I say it’s a pretty destructive cycle. I’m gonna crash and burn soon. And it won’t be pretty when I do. I’m putting so much pressure on myself to do well on these damn tests and in all my classes, and I’m trying so hard to include all my friends in my life, and be a better friend to everyone, and I’m trying so hard to not think about David. It’s wearing me down.
And starting in about 2 weeks, I’ll now have 8 or so hours of Speech practice a week. As if I didn’t have enough going on already. I always hate Speech, because in the beginning, it is so tough, and so hard, and so everything else… but it’s so worth it in the end. I think this year I may actually have friends that will come watch me at contest (that means everyone who reads this)… I don’t want any repeats of last year, when Brian Presnall was late and missed my performance.
You can’t rely on anyone but yourself. Maybe I should start being more selfish (practically impossible, I know). And if I only thought about me and what was good for me, maybe I wouldn’t be so unhappy. Maybe I wouldn’t hate life so much. Maybe I wouldn’t cry all the time. Maybe I wouldn’t get so jealous of the people who have found happiness in their lives…
Life is just the weirdest thing. It’s like we go through it, try to better ourselves, try to make money, try to find love, and what for? What’s the point of all this? What’s the point of driving myself crazy with hard classes, and ACTs, and SATs and all this other bullshit? I know that I’m going to do well at whatever college I go to, and that I will basically the same wherever I go. Yet I still push myself for the top. Is it because I want people to be envious of me for actually being able to get out of Iowa? Or do I do this for myself, to give myself an opportunity to thrive in a different environment, where no one knows me? I can reinvent myself. People will know of my past what I let them know of it. They wouldn’t even know if it was true or not. Think about it. How many of you can honestly say you know about my past? My guess is none. I’m reluctant to talk about it because it isn’t the greatest, but at the same time, I’ve never had anyone actually ask me about it. It’s a double edged sword though. I don’t know much about any of your pasts. Do we even need to know about each others pasts? Sometimes it helps give insight into a person. But I think my past would just confuse someone. I used to be a good little Catholic school boy who went to Church.. what the hell happened to me?
There is a quote in a video game (lame, I know) about “where angels lose their way…” I wonder where I lost mine… and how do I find it again? Or do I even want to find it? Why am I being so rhetorical?
I’ve just been thinking a lot. You know, I truly want to believe that love is not the strongest power in the universe. I think friendship should be. Friends will always be there.. and as history shows, lovers will not. But maybe friends won’t always be there. People change, things change, situations change… Why does it seem like we need to find our soul mates so soon in life? Why do we feel like we are nothing if we don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend? They don’t validate our existence.
I am single. I am still alive. It hurts, but I make it.
What is wrong with society? Things are so messed up right now in the world, it doesn’t even make sense. Why is a sniper offing people left and right on the East Coast? Why does the media gobble it up and glorify it? Why is it that bulimia and anorexia were never really a problem until society demanded that women be thin? Why can’t everyone just love everyone for who they are and quit trying to get people to change? You love people for what’s inside. You take the good and the bad. No one is perfect, but they can be in your eyes. Faults are not bad. Faults are idiosyncracies. Why does hate exist? Who invented it anyway?
Why do people have to die for being different? Why did Matthew Shepard die? When did gay stop meaning happy? When did racial differences become a problem? Why does anyone ever think they are better than someone just because they are a different skin color? Why do people live up to stereotypes? It almost seems intentional sometimes. Why do we have a predetermind image of people in our minds and even when they don’t turn out that way, we still think of them that way? (did that make sense..?)
What happened to family? Family dinners? What happened to having a good relationship with your parents? Why did divorce come about? Why would you marry if you weren’t 100% sure that this was the person you wanted to be with for the rest of your life?
Why is there pain and suffering? I want to just shut off the world, and isolate myself and be alone and not see all the hurt. People are hurt everyday. People die everyday. And no one cares. “Get over it” is probably the most common phrase…. It’s hard to just “get over” the fact that people all over the place are dying and yet we are doing nothing to stop it?
Hunger, famine, disease…. all these plauges, and yet we do nothing to stop it. All society can do is make things faster, or bigger, or better… when we could be saving people.
Life is not frivolous. One day it’s going to be gone. I’m scared for that day. I know it isn’t for a good 80 or so years, but still. What happens when we die? Is there really a heaven? Is there really a God..?
Is anything real? Or is it just perceptions? People always says “come back to reality,” But what is reality? It’s different for each and every person. Things that are real to me may not be real to anyone else. Is anything ever still? Or is the entire world caught in a never-ending spiral of change? Is change bad? Is it good? Is it both? Is it neither?
Why is everything the way it is? It doesn’t, I repeat DOES NOT, have to be this way. We are in control of our own destinies. We determine who we are, and how we react, and what we do… Maybe I should take my own advice…. but do we really control that? Or is it just all impulses in our brain that make us act the way we do?
What cause me to write all this? If anyone has any guesses, let me know, cause I sure don’t. I just let my hands take over.. they worked independantly from the brain.. can that even happen? I better stop before I write 10 more pages.. not like I have anything else to do tonight.
Does anyone want to go out? Just call me….. anybody….?
I feel like the song “Learning to Fly”…. I want to fly.. I want to spread my wings….
“my sole intention is learning to fly… condition grounded, but determined to try.. can’t keep my mind from the circling skies.. tongue tied and twisted, just an earthbound misfit…”
Some good old Pink Floyd.. they always have the answers to everything.
Sorry to everyone who has to read that… If you make it this far, congrats! I’ll give you a pat on the back next time I see you… If you didn’t make it this far, shame on you for not wanting to read all Andrew had to say, because it was very important to him…
I should go.. I’m going crazy…
Ok, it’s a few hours later now… ummm, I am saddened because of something I just saw on Chris’ site. For like the past 2 hours, I have just been reading all of Chris’ old entries. Don’t think I’m crazy, I just have nothing else to do and I find them very fascinating. With each entry, I feel that we are more and more alike. It’s kinda creepy.. Anyways, he says in this one and I quote “we also saw Purple shirt boy (me) and called him an asshole cause he is.” That makes me sad, I am upset that Chris (and Adam for that matter) used to think I was an asshole. Was I? I really don’t know.. I always used to think they were cute… *sigh*
Ok, back yet again, later in the night. I spent almost 3 hours online, and most of it was reading Chris’ thing. Do you think that makes me crazy? I don’t know who the “you” is, but whatever.
So today has just been the weirdest day. I feel very calm right now. It’s also been very dark. It hasn’t really been bright out in general, and the past few hours, I’ve been sitting in the corner where the computer is, with all the lights off and only the screen illuminated. It’s very odd.. I went in my room for like 2 seconds and turned on the light and I didn’t like it. I dont’ think I enjoy light. It’s from Publications.. we never turn the lights on and when we do, everyone bitches.. light must bring out the worst in me. On another note, I don’t think I have had such little contact with humans in a VERY long time as I had today. Usually I need other people.. I don’t like to be with just myself.. we don’t get along so well (here I go talking like I’ve got multiple personality disorder)… anyways, I just think it’s weird.. I’ve been very hermity today and not receptive to anything…simple tasks (working out) prove way too much today….
*sigh* This sucks. Have you (there I go again) ever wanted something, yet you know there is no way you can possibly have it? I’ve got that… and no it’s not David…. It sucks… argh.. some of you know what it is… it’s not important for others of you to know… who is this you?? grrr.. I’m gonna drive myself insane again.
I am listening to some very nice music from Xenogears…relaxing.. shower should be nice..
I haven’t taken one since Sunday.. yeah call me gross I don’t care anymore…