My Life


So yeah, things just didn’t work out the way that they were supposed to.

This whole homecoming thing has turned into a huge mess, in which far too many people have gotten hurt… When it was just supposed to be a fun event.

I thought at first that, I would be OK with it. But it still stands that you don’t ask someone with a bf to a dance. Unless you’re prepared to have the bf come along. Especially if you’re friends with both of them. That’s just the way that I see it. First, because they’ve got a bf, and you just asking the one person, portrays it as a date. And secondly, it’s just rude to do as such. I think.

Then, things turned worse when I come to find out that it’s not just him and her going. It’s a whole group of people going, including some other friends of mine. Which makes me feel even more unwanted and ditched because they only asked Adam to go. So of course I’m going to be pissed off about that.

But we had talked about it, I had told him my feelings and he had told me his. I thought we had ended it, and that hopefully somewhere at the last minute he would realize how much he was really hurting me and would decide not to go.

But that didn’t happen. Although I was glad to get to see him today, he was still going to this damned dance. Without me. And yet he expected me to stay in DM and wait around for him to get done, so that we could do stuff afterwords. I think not. But he begged and begged. And in the back of my mind, I thought, I hoped that he would realize, and he’d make an effort to leave early, or something at least.

So he left, and I went on my way, I went to Java’s at 6, and started HW. Religions people were there and we had a nice conversation about all the different religions, Byron, was the guy, and two girls, but I didn’t catch their names. He was writing his masters paper on Hinduism, so we talked about that some. Then they went off to convert and a little bit later another group of them sat down, and started talking to me about religion, they however, tried to convert me. So I got pissed at them, and ended it. They left and Byron came back and we talked some more, he was nice.

Geoff was there as well and we discussed his car, and his projects with his car. I think I impressed him with my car knowledge. I hope.

Rob and Andrew also showed up, and we talked about old times. Rob finally came out to me as well, which was amusing, we all talked about who we thought was hot, and who we thought was/should have been gay at our HS. It was good times. Rob was a bit tipsy and they were both looking for pot as well. Rob was on the phone with a friend who had some, and he was talking quite loudly, it was amusing. They found some though and went off. I hope they’re alright.

After they left, I sat around Java Joe’s waiting and waiting for Adam to call. I also thought, about things. As the clock ticked on, I got more and more pissed about the whole situation. 10:30 passed and he hadn’t called yet, so my hopes that he’d make a point to get out early, so that he could see me. Since I had made such a sacrifice to stay the fuck in DM. Instead of going back to Ames like I had planned. 10:45 came, and I told myself that if he hadn’t called by 11:05 I was leaving. He called right as I was getting ready to get into my car. I told him to hurry and that I’d stay.

I called at 11:30, pissed as hell by then, cause he still wasn’t there. He said he would be there shortly. I told him that I was tired, that I’d have to leave soon. It is an hour drive from DM to Ames. They got there. Andrew and Adam. I couldn’t even look at him, without being more pissed off. All dressed up, and leaving me there to sit and wait for him. Begging me to stay in town, and not…. Not even trying to get there earlier so that we could hang out for a little longer.

I sat there and didn’t talk to him, because I couldn’t think of anything. I didn’t want to know what he’d done, because it would have only pissed me off more. The only things that I could think off was “Had he danced with her?” or “Did he SLOW dance with anyone?”

Fine call me a jealous bastard or whatever. But that’s how I feel, and that’s what I was thinking.

It pissed me off that all this had happened. All this, why.

I said I was tired, that I was leaving. So I did. He apparently wasn’t going to come to my car. But I made him. I wanted to talk about this. So we went and we talked, and he kept making it out to my fault. That I was blowing everything out of proportion. That it was my fault that I wasn’t invited. He didn’t understand. He came back with the question “If someone asked you to homecoming, would you go.” He didn’t give me the chance to answer before he went on and on. We just kept going around in circles. He’d say one thing and I’d say my counter.

He wasn’t going to budge and say it was his fault, or anyone else.

It’s not my fault. I’m the one that wasn’t invited. I’m the one that got ditched, on one of the few nights that we have together.

So I said fine, and I left. I felt like shit, and I’m sure he felt like shit. But perhaps it’s something that needs to happen.

After I left, I called him. Because I wanted to answer that damn question. I said, “I would have said NO.” And then went on for about 5 minutes on his voice mail. I told him that I would have said that because it’s one of the few nights that we get to spend together, that I love him, because I do. And that I wouldn’t have had to put a second thought into it. It would have been no, unless I could have brought him. Because spending the time with him, would have meant a lot more to me. Then him going out with our “friends.” Dumping me. And I went on and on. Telling him how much I love him. And that I’m sorry.

As I drove I was looking in my mirror hoping to see the distinct head lights he has, but they were no where to be seen. So I drove and drove. Hoping that he was somewhere behind me. I want to talk to him. Because I know I hurt him. But I don’t think he realizes how much he hurt me. And that’s where things need to start.

However, I don’t think they will start there, because like I said in one of my recent posts “But someone has to think about the other person in the relationship” and he replied with “Really?? Who needs to think about who exactly” So I don’t think he’s going to think about me. So the weights on me.

I’ve been home for about 30 minutes now. Crying and hoping that things will be alright. Every time I car goes by, or a door in the hall opens. I hope that it’s him and I have to get up and look. He won’t answer his phone. I’ve tried a couple times. So he hates me now, and I’m going to have to live with that, tell he’s ready to tell me he loves me again. Well I’m ready to tell him that now, because I do love him and even though this is a small road bump. I’m never going to stop loving him.

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