Tonight, tonight I got home at 6:30, because Adam called, about 3, saying that he wouldn’t be home, that he wasn’t going to go out. So I got home, got home at 6:30, got online…. Hoping that he would be as well. He wasn’t, so I made myself a supper and came back upstairs and watched the blank screen and ate, hoping that he would get on, because I so dearly wanted to talk to him. He didn’t…. So I went swimming, leaving AiM up, so that he could IM me if he got on, but he didn’t. So I got off, and got on the computer down stairs. Went and watched TV, listening for that distinctive ::ping:: that you get when someone IMs you, waiting for him to get online… 8:30 came around and he still wasn’t on, or at least if he was he hadn’t IMed me. So I went and checked, he was on, but no IM…. Thanks.
I IMed him “Hello??”
The converstaion went on, nothing of importance, nothing to ease my worries of hurt, nothing to tell me that he still cared, just the gossip from after I left last night, a whole nother story in itself, and of his days workings. I had enough, I wanted to talk to him now, about us, about what was going on in our lives… Why was I going through the emotions of a break-up, why did I feel as though we had broken up the night before, when we hadn’t, when that’s the farthest thing from my mind. Why was I feeling like that… But he apparently didn’t want to discuss it, because the converstaion, it never went there.
So I said, “I’m leaving, Bubye.”
He said, “Ok, bye, love you ::hugs::”
A sign on caring, but was it enough, they’re just words in my eyes tonight, normally they mean alot to me when he says them, but tonight, nothing…. I got up and got my car keys, left headed to his house, I drove there and drove past, drove past again, I couldn’t get up the nerve to knock on his door, worrying about what might actually happen, worrying about the worst. Worrying that my emotions might be true, so I drove on. I let my car take me, and I ended up in Des Moines. A place that contains so many memories, memories about us, and the first time we went out. I drove to where he first asked me out and I sat there, thinking, crying. I drove to where we always park, and the conversations that had gone on there, about the fun that we had had on the steps of the courthouse. I sat there and thought and cried. I walked to Java Joes, rubbed Reagan’s nose, as we had so many times last summer.
I went into Java Joes and went straight to the bathroom, it’s something we do, everytime we go there. I washed my hands, like I always do, and then went out the door and sat by the pin-ball machines, pretending to wait for him… I sat there, waiting, thinking, crying. I walked to the front, and ordered an Iced Hazelnut Latte. The same thing I got everyday last summer, and I remembered the times we’d share one, even though he hates hazenut. I sat at the tall round tables, in front of a the roman sculpture, staring at the door, hoping that he’d come in. I sat there, thinking, hoping, crying.
I left there, and walked down court, remembering all the times that we have done the same, side-by-side. Laughing at all the drunk people in the bars, talking about school, and work, our parents. Wishing we had out own house together, wishing we could buy a loft in Downtown, above Spagetti works, or Java Joes, and live there together. I sat on the bench and looked at them, and though about how great that would be, thinking, and crying.
I continued to the bridge, where so many times before we had stood and thrown stuff in, watching it hit the water, and then talking about where it might end up. I stood there and looked over the side, thinking about how much he hates bridges, but he’ll still always come here and look over the side, as if it’s nothing. I stood there looking over the side, thinking and crying.
I walked to the ampitheater, where so many times before we had played around on the stage, Kissing, and talking about how cool it is there. I walked to the Civic Center, and the skywalks, I walked to Nolan Plaza, I walked all over Des Moines. Wishing that he were there by my side, wishing that everything would be alright. Wishing that these feelings would go away, wishing that he would just talk to me about things, about what’s going on.
I spent the night, wishing, thinking, walking, crying.
I walked back to my car, with tears rolling down my cheeks, I opened my doot and sat there for a while, waiting for the tears to stop, but they wouldn’t. I wiped them away, as much as I could, and started my car. I drove towards home, but I couldn’t just go home. I took the interstate, as we had so many times before, to get him home on time. I drove the interstate back to Ankeny, I was going to stop, I had to talk to him…. I drove to his house. Turned off my lights. As I approaches, I slowed, but only slightly. The tears were back and I couldn’t controll them, my heart was racing, and my worries increased. I wanted to talk, but I don’t know if I could take the conciquences. I sped up and drove off.
I stopped a block away and just sat there, sat there crying, wishing that everything would be alright, wishing that we could be together again, and that things like this wouldn’t happen. I know they will, but I wish they wouldn’t. I can’t handle them.
He called me as I sat there, I couldn’t answer, I was crying to much. He left a message, saying “Ok, I’m really confused.” I drove home, came to my room and laid in bed crying. Wondering if I should call him or not.