This weekend has sucked royal ass. Mostly because Adam’s been grounded but there’s alot of other reasons as well. Most of which I won’t get into in a public entry. But yeah, Friday I spent the night at Adam’s, Rob and Abbie were gone, but Melinda stayed home, it wasn’t that bad, but I was hoping to spend the night with Adam. We just stayed there and watched movies or something, I don’t remember what we did.
Saturday sucked as well. I was stuck home with my parents all day, until 10pm. It fucking sucked. I had to go out to supper with them as well. Gwar. I hate them. At 10 I went to Adam’s cause he had just got off work. Melinda and Abbie were gone, but Rob stayed home. What the fuck is up with that. I wanted to spend time with Adam, but they wouldn’t fucking leave this weekend. Gwar. Adam and I talked Saturday night about things. About how I felt that I could loose him any time. It’s better now, but I still feel that way. I don’t feel 100% in our relationship. I think it’s mostly because I lost him one other time. But I also feel that way because I he’s not romantic at all. When it comes time to leave at night, he’s like “bye, love you.” We kiss, he goes back inside. For me, I don’t want to leave, I hate leaving, I want to spend every waking moment with him, or talking to him. It kills me when I have to leave. Like tonight, when we were saying bye, I said, “I hate having to do this.” And he said, “We’re going to see each other tomorrow for fricks sake.” That’s not what I was wanting to hear. But then also earlier, we were talking about weather I should leave or not. I said that I think I will, because being around his family when they’re eating is wierd for me. I don’t feel like I should be there, unless they specifically invite me to stay. I just don’t feel right. I feel as though I’m intruding. But back to tonight, Adam and I went to the g-store to get they’re groceries. We were talking and I said that I think I’ll probably leave, he said that “Yeah, I’m tired and I have hw to do and I have to take a shower yet.” Again that’s not what I was wanting to hear. But I’m not trying to make Adam out to sound like an ass or anything. He did say that he didn’t want me to leave, but he also didn’t give off the aura that he wanted me to stay. But that’s a hole nother thing….
Also today we had my b-day thing here with my family. When I left here, there was still half the cake left. I came home 4 hours later, wanting some more of my cake. It was gone. I got one fucking piece of my cake. Fuckers. How can three people eat that much cake? I mean, we all had a piece earlier and I took a piece to Adam, and that was only half the fucking cake.
In general this weekend has sucked, birthdays bring out the worst in me. I hate them with a passion.
Ok, so I got into a little more detail then I wanted to in a public entry, but you know what. I don’t care. But I mean, in general. I feel that our relationship is going well. There’s just a few things that we both need to change, I need to be able to tell him what upsets me more, then just coming here and writing about it, and he, I feel needs to be more romantic, and show me that he really does care. But I’m also guilty of alot of other things. I’m not saying in the least that I’m perfect in any way. In fact, I’m probably causing more problems on my own then anything. I do take small things and take them out of porportion and it’s not like I mean to do it in any way. I’m edgy, I’m not sure that he really loves me the way that he sayd he does… How does one know? Really? I know how I feel for him, I know that when I leave his side, it’s like leaving a part of me. I know that when I look into his eyes, it make me so happy, I know that when he hugs me I feel as though I’m in the arms of a god, I know that when I see his name on my cell phone that my heart skips a beat because I’m so happy to talk to him. I know all this. I know that I really do love him, I love him for everything that he is, and who he is and I hope that in 9 years and 11 months we can be celebrating our 10 year anniversary and that we’ll be living together in Arizona. But there’s some things that we both have to change for that hope to work. And we are coming along the right path.