Starbursts

[Rent, “Finale”]

So, I’m back. It’s been a really long day. I got EDNT fixed, just in time too cause Vermont crashed again today. So I switched over to EDNT, only to find out that SMTP wasn’t working, so I tried reinstalling sendmail, but that didn’t fix the problems. So I went to LINUX, got everything copied over, and got that up and running. So now EDNT is backing up LINUX which is really Vermont. I need to get EDNT’s SMTP working, but I just can’t figure it out, all the config files are there, it’s running, I’ve tried restarting it, and that doesn’t help any. Linuxconf doesn’t seem to recognize that it’s installed, so I can’t use it to configure it. Damnit. I copied all the confin files from LINUX to, and it still doesn’t work. Oh well. Time to do another re-install. This time, I’m installing everything. Fuck what Nazanin wants.

I guess the post from Dec 2nd made Adam cry, becuase I feel more at home at his home, then I do at my own. And it’s true I really do. I’d so much rather go to his house, then have to go to my house, ever again. I mean, the anger in my house is just so bad. Everytime I see my dad, I just want to punch him and tell him how bad he’s made my life. How much he’s fucked up what I wanted to do, by making me work at the store all those years, by making me get a job when I was 15, by doing all this shit that he made me do. Everytime I see him. My brother it’s the same way. I hate him so much, he’s stolen my life as well. He’s taken evrything that I’ve had, all my possesions. When we were younger, he always tried getting to bed first, so that he could get the top bunk, then we got older and got our own rooms, but he still couldn’t leave me alone, he would come in and steal my things, everything ranging from toys, to cd’s to anything that wasn’t bolted down. Then I went off to college. I packed everything in my room into boxes, taped them shut, thinking that he wouldn’t be able to get into them there. Boy was I wrong, he not only got into the boxes, but he stole my entire room. They moved him into _MY_ room. Then, I went and got a new car. I sold my old car to my dad for him to drive, cause he wanted better gas mileage then what he was getting on the van. But, Andy’s driving my car more then my dad is. When I was his age, they wouldn’t let me drive any of their cars unless they were in that car with me. I had to buy my own car, I had to pay for my own gas to get places. They let him drive that car, without paying for gas. Is anything ever going to be just mine? Or he is going to be everywhere, so that he can steal my life? My mom’s a different story. There’s alot of anger between her and me, there’s alot that we don’t get along on, but sometimes she’s supportive, and I like that. But I could never talk to her, I could never have a relationship with my mom, the way that Adam does with his mom. Like a couple weeks ago, I was really pissed at my dad, I couldn’t talk to my mom about it. So I went to Adam’s house. Adam and I talked about it some, but then his mom came in and we all started talking. By the time I left there, I was in the best mood. I feel as though they really are my second family. Thank you!

I wish I could rememeber those poems that I had in my head last night. I remember that one of them was for Adam, something about being inspiring. But I can’t remember exactly how it went, and all of them that I’ve come up with today have sounded really stupid in my head. Oh well. I know they’re in there somewhere. They’ll come back out when they feel like it.