My Life

Sept 12, 2001 #2

Sept 12, #2 [Oasis, "Champagne Supernova"]

Sometimes I just drive myself insane and have to get up from what I’m doing

and just go somewhere. That happened tonight. I was bothering myself so

I got up and went and took a long shower. I don’t know why I do it. Some

of me thinks I’m pariniod. Well I know that’s part of it, but what bothers

me the most is that when other people talk to someone other then me, when

I was talking to them. And I’m not included in the conversation I get really

posesive. I don’t think that’s a very good explination, but that’s the best

I can do right now. But I know what I mean. It just annoys the hell out

of me that I can’t be part of that. Well I guess an example would be good.

Like this summer, when everyone was going to the mall, but I couldn’t cause

I had to work, that bugged the hell out of me to the point that I was mad

as hell at everyone that was going, just because I couldn’t go. It wasn’t

because I wasn’t invited, they wanted me to go. It was because I had something

that I already had to do. That bugged me to no ends. I finally just said

screw work and went in like a couple hours late so that I could go to the

mall, cause I know that had I not gone to the mall and they came back and

told all thier stories. I would have been even madder. I know that I do

this, and I try not to, but sometimes I just can’t help myself. I wish that

I didn’t do it. Another example is RENT. I really want to see it, but the

thing that’s bothering me the most is that everyone else has seen it, and

Adam, the only person in the group that I know of that hasn’t, is going

to see it in Oct. That really bothers me that if I don’t get to go. I’ll

hear all his stories about it and I’ll just want to scream. Sometimes I

just hate myself.

And something else. Tonight one of Adam’s friends got online and I had

seen her SN somewhere, so I added her to my buddy list. I don’t know why.

I have a thing with knowledge, but that’s a whole different topic. But anyway.

I couldn’t remeber who it was, so I asked Adam and he told me and then was

like, how’d you know. I said that I didn’t remember, because I didn’t. (A

bit of background is always good. He’s been having problems with people

getting into his AIM account and deleting his Buddie list. I think he left

the password somewhere when he logged in from school) But anyway, he asked

me if I was the one that got into his account and messed it up. Now I knew

that he was doing it in a joking manner, but I took it personally. Another

thing that really bothered me. I told him that I was offended, when inreality

in my heart I wasn’t. I knew that he said it in more of a joking manner,

well I was at least going to give him the benifit of the doubt. I figured

he knew me well enough to trust me that I wouldn’t do anything. I don’t

know. Grrr. Just Grrr at me. :'(

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