Aug 10 [Seven Mary Three, "Cumbersome"]
Sometimes things just all come down on me at once, and I’m in a pissy mood
when I’m actually really enjoying myself. Tonight was a great point of that.
It started out very nicely. Xak and I went downtown to meet Adam and Angie.
We hung out there for a while and talked about things. Adam apparently thought
that I was in a pissy mood there cause I guess I gave him a death stare
or something. I was just really frustrated cause everyone was pushing me
on wether or not I’m going to smoke tomorrow night or not. I don’t know
yet if I want to or not. And it just annoyed me that everyone wanted a definite
"yes" or "no" and at this point I’m just not ready to
commit to something like that. I want to try it, but at the same time I
don’t really want to cause I don’t know what the effects are going to be.
It was also a generally bad night cause well tomorrow everyone is going
to the mall, and I can’t cause I had to work. I felt really left out about
that, and that pissed me off that I couldn’t go. I also have like this feeling
that people are taking over my spot in the group. I’ve become kinda possesive
about things. I realy don’t like it, but I have and I’m trying to not let
it bother me, but I feel as though some people are spending more time with
my friends then I am. And that bothers me. I haven’t had much time lately
to just hang out, even though I have been "just hanging out" alot,
there’s alot of people that I don’t get to see that often and other people
seem to know alot more about what’s going on then I do. That kinda bothers
me.
Then also tonight Adam wanted to tell Xak the same story that we told Mandy
last night. He finds it to be more of a joke then anything. Last night I
discussed it with him cause I felt it was something we needed to discuss
and Mandy just happened to be there. Which turned out to be a good things
cause she helped the conversation along, and kept things on track. But Adam’s
taking it more like a joke, and that really really really bothers me. To
me it’s something that’s _VERY_ personal. Something that no one else should
have known about, but now there’s like three or my friends know details
and I don’t know how many of his friends he’s told. That bothers me as well.
We keep saying, "Yeah we need to talk" and there always seems
to be something that we need to talk about. Things aren’t going to get better
until we get everything out on the table and we both know the other persons
views on every subject. But I find it hard to talk to him when he’s always
making things into jokes and when he keeps going off on tangents. But that’s
the way it is. I guess it’s a good thing that we broke it off when we did.
Maybe it never should have happened. My life just sucks right now.
This morning I was awaken at 6, but I couldn’t get back to sleep cause
I was just laying there thinking about our whole relationship. From day
one to what’s happening with us today. I layed there in bed thinking about
it tell about 11 when I finaly decided that I neede to get out of bed before
I completely over anylised things. But I think that our relationship was
totaly physical and we never had that emotional bond. I want a relationship
with that emotional bond. But I enjoyed the relationship that Adam and I
had. We were in a sense, "Friends with benifits" and that doesn’t
really bother me. Cause I enjoyed what happened while it lasted. And looking
back we never relaly shared all that much. We were never really able to
open up and tell each other everylittle thing that was going on in our heads.
We pretended to have that emotional bond, but it was never there.
There’s so much more in my head right now that I can’t get out in writting.
Tonight I was pissed, I wasn’t pissed at anyone thing or anyone person
or anyone action. I was just pissed in general at alot of little things.
I was pissed cause alot of things in my life weren’t adding up to where
they should be. 1 + 1 = 50 tonight. And it doesn’t work that way, 1 + 1
should be 2.