May 22, 2001

may 22 [foo fighters, ‘learn to fly"] well i dunno, last night sucked.

i wrote the letter to my pu’s last night. here it is:

I want to share something about my life that is important because I love you.

I am gay. I have only known this about myself since I was 14. In the years

that have passed since then, keeping this a secret from you has become more

and more of a burden. It has also placed an invisible wall between us in that

I can not share with you much of what goes on in my life, something that straight

children take for granted. I could not share the excitement of dating somebody

new nor the pain when things didn’t work out. I have spent many nights crying

with a broken heart, alone, unable to call you or talk to you for support.

I know that you may be feeling shocked, confused, angry, and sad; and perhaps

you might feel that, somewhere along the way, you have failed as parents.

From what I have read, these are common reactions. You have not failed as

parents; you have both been wonderful. Nobody chooses to be gay and I accept

myself and am happy with who I am. My friends have known for some time and

they accept me as well. I hope that you will be happy for me. Part of me thinks

that you might have suspected for some time that I am gay since I never brought

home girls while in school and I never talk about dating or women now. On

the other hand, my being gay may have come as a complete surprise to you and

you may need to take some time to get used to the idea. Hopefully, a few years

from now, our relationship will be closer than it has been in the past. This

is part of the reason I am coming out to you: to tear down the wall between

us. When we talk and you ask me what is going on in my life and I say, “Nothing,”

I have been lying. I haven’t been lying to deceive you, but because I could

not tell you the truth. This lying has been eating at me for some time now

and I’m tired of it. So this was the choice I had to make: either keep lying

and allow us to grow even farther apart from each other, or tell the truth

and hopefully have a better relationship in the long run. I know you have

always loved me very much. It was very hard to mail this letter for fear of

losing that love. I have cried several times while writing it. Although you

may not understand about being gay, I hope that you still love me now. Know

that I am the same person now as I was before you read this letter; you just

know one more thing about me. I am still “Chris Black” When you are ready,

you are welcome to call me so we can talk about this more. Sincerely, Chris

PS. I have mailed a book with this letter. I hope that you will take the time

to read it. I’m sure you’re also wondering about Scouts. I have decided that

after camp I will resign from all my positions. i dunno. i think it

works. i have a book called "Straight Parents, Gay Children" so

i’m going to send that with it. i’m thinking i might send it like the second

week of camp. so that way they get it after they’ve been to camp, and also

it gives them a while to get used to the idea. i prob wouldn’t go home the

weekend after that, that way it’ll give them 2 weeks for it to sink in. i

dunno, i have to tell them, and it has to be soon. this is just really tearing

me apart. it really is.

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