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My Life

Jan 18, 2001

Sometimes i just don’t get things. nope, i just don’t

get it. yeah so in this class we have, yeah, it’s american govbernment. and

the teacher guy is fucking nuts. he’s doing like this simulation, and he hasn’t

really explained anything yet. it’s all screwed up. he’s like, ok get into

your parties and figrure out who’s on what committees, then get into your

committees and then figure out who’s your leader, and then go talk to so and

so and tell them when you want to present your bill. and then he LEAVES, just

leaves, and doesn’t come back for the rest of the time, WTF? he just left

us all there. so yeah, i think we all got it figured out, but who knows. so

i have to give my bill on the 8th of feb. so we’ll see how that goes, lol.

and you know what else, i just wish i was more spontanteous, i want to call

danny so bad, and you know i dial like all the digits, except the last one,

i just can’t bring myself to dial that last digit. i just can’t dail that

last number. damnit, i want to talk to him so bad. i haven’t seen him since

sunday when he called :'( and he claims to have changed his number, so i don’t

even know if that’s thier # anymore. damnit. why won’t he tell me, why won’t

he open up to me. i know, i know. it’s an internet relationship, but still

talking to him means alot to me. having him there, knowing that i can tell

him stuff. just seeing him on-line is enough for me, i’ve never really been

able to open up to people, like i can with him. people here don’t know me,

people at home don’t know me, people in my family don’t know me, people in

scouting don’t know me. only he had even come close to seeing the REAL me.

and he’s just so detatched, i just don’t get it. i wrote him a letter the

other day, i think it was pertty damn good. here, i’ll put it here so in many

years i remember what i wrote: Sometimes, you just don’t

want to know what someone is thinking, other times you wish they would say

more. tell you more of what they are thinking. Other times, you just wish,

whis they were there, so you can see what they are thinking, what they are

doing. How thier life is going. What’s hurting them, what makes them happy,

what makes them cry, what makes them laugh. Sometimes you just wish they would

say hi, so you know how thier day was going, so you can hear them, you can

tell alot from one’s voice, from one’s words. Sometimes…….. Sometimes

you wish they would tell you everything, sometimes, you wish the person you

love most, would tell you what they are thinking, what makes them cry, what

makes them laugh, what makes thier day what it is. Sometimes. Not sometimes,

all the time, all the time i wish the person i loved would tell me what they

were thinking, all the time, i wish they would tell me what makes them happy,

what makes them cry, yes. all the time, i love that person, i want to know

what they are thinking, what makes them happy, what makes them cry, what makes

thier day what it is, what makes thier life what it is. I want to know…….

Because I Love you. so yeah, you think it’s good? i thought it was

damn good, but i haven’t heard anything back from him about it. why doesn’t

he reply to e-mails? fuck, i’m 🙁 now. i know i don’t love him the way i can

love someone, truely, but i do love him in the sense that he’s there, that

he’s someone that i can talk to, someone that i can say stuff to without feeling

like a fool, someone i can talk to about personal stuff. i think that if we

met in real life, we would either get along REALLY well, or just totaly hate

each other, i know we are total opposities, but i think that’s what i’m looking

for, is someone that will get me out, someone that will get me to use my energy,

instead of just sitting here thinking so much, and i think (notivce the word

THINK) that he’s looking for someone to bring him down, someone to get him

to sit more, instead of being out so much. i think he’s realizing who he is.

and that his freinds are really “jock, assholes” (his words). and

that he want’s to seperate himself from that somewhat. but i don’t know. maybe

i’m just making generalizations. ok well enough babbling about him. i’m going

to go make some phone calls.

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