So, it’s been a while since I got back from the trip, but I wanted to post an update.

The trip overall was fun and great. There were times where I was just totally over the big group though and I thought that we did a bit too much temple viewing in Thailand. But whatever.

Philippines was fine. But because it wasn’t really PLANNED because that was “too stressful”, we didn’t get as much done as I thought we could. IE there were days where we did a morning activity and then nothing else, or days where we spent most of the day just going “well what do we do now” type things.

Overall it went way better than I thought. Honestly I thought we would get into a lot of fights but there was really only one BIG one.

Since we got back, things have also been generally better. I’ve noticed he’s been helping to pay for things more, he’s been more caring. But we still have problems.

Wishing to be a kid one more week.

After grandma passed, I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on my childhood, time spent down at grandpa and grandma’s house and how wonderful life was in the 80’s and 90′ as a kid in Lenox, IA

The house is for sale and I keep dreaming of buying it. Remodelding it back to the way I remember and just keeping it as a keep sake. It seems crazy, I know it is. But I long for just one more day of childhood, to be there again at grandma and grandpa’s house.

To come down at christmas and smell the noodles and roast cooking for dinner, to see the Christmas tree setup in the living room and the piles of piles of presents under it. To stay the week for new years with Rebecca and order pizza from breaduex to watch the ball drop. To go out and shovel the walks with grandpa. To spend the days watching I love Lucy and dragnet reruns

To go for spring break, typically wasting the day away until Rebecca got out of school, Grandpa and I would go pick her up and then we would have fun around town, riding our bikes, playing hide and seek.

To go for the summer and spend the days camping in the back yard, chasing lightening bugs, going fishing and swimming at the lakes, spend every day at the Lenox pool, rollerblading around town. Helping grandpa with the garden and mowing the yard. Rolling around in the grass, feeding the squirrels. Grandma cooking dinners and cookies every night. Waiting for noon whistle because we knew grandma would be home soon and then the 1pm whistle so we knew the pool was open!

To go in fall for thanksgiving, again the smell of grandma’s roast, cookies, pies, the whole family gathering together to spend the day. Finding grandpa sound asleep in his chair, “watching” the football games.

I just long for one more week with them, in the house, with the shag green carpets, the laminated dinning table and the pleather rolly chairs, without any cares in the world. With the bright future to think of ahead and to just live our days and our lives. The 80’s and 90’s were truly an amazing time to be a kid and I wish we could experience it one more time. I wish I could give my kids that some day. But they’ll never get to experience the same.

Going up to the Main Street and getting ice cream, biscuits and gravy on wed, doughnuts on saturday from Casey’s. Hearing grandpa’s HAM radio all day. The smells of the house, of grandpa and grandma.

The simple life of small town America as kids, free to do what we wanted, free to go where we wanted. NO rules, just life your life and be home for dinner.

Ups, Downs, All overs

It’s been a while since I posted again. Things have been a whirlwind of shit and work has been crazy.

Work related, they fired Catey which sucked but also was needed. They promoted her replacement from inside and he’s a great person to work with. I like that he makes hard decisions and sticks with them. They also hired a new guy, but honestly I don’t like him very much so far. We will see how that goes.

Charles and I are back together, we broke up for a few days, he was going to look for new places but then we worked it out. Honestly though this is not going to last long term.
1) He forgot my birthday. I reminded him about it the Saturday before (1 week before). I asked him to try and get the day off so we could do something together. He forgot to take the day off. When I reminded him about it, he didn’t do anything to try and get people to cover him so he could have it off. He didn’t make dinner or any other plans until the day of my birthday. He’s the MANAGER who MAKES the schedules, there’s no reason he shouldn’t be able to get it off.

2) His just general inability to care or ask about my day, follow up on things, etc. I guess maybe I just require too much out of him, but I want someone who’s fucking willing to ask me about my day, care about my life in general, etc.

3) When my grandma died, I felt like he could have done a lot more to make it better for me, make me feel more loved, etc.

4) My aunt, uncle and I drove our asses off to try and make it back in time for HIS birthday. I told him I would be back in time for dinner. He scheduled his birthday party for noon. I ended up arriving right back at noon. He couldn’t have waited one or two hours to host his birthday lunch. Then after his birthday lunch instead of coming home to see his boyfriend who’d been gone for a week burying his grandma. He choose to spend more time with his friend just shopping, prioritizing himself and his friend over seeing me and comforting me.

5) We were at his cousins house last weekend. We were talking about the month long trip we are leaving on and he was complaining that it’s “too stressful” because everything is planned out already and we have stuff to do almost every day. Bitch you’re getting a basically FREE FUCKING TRIP to Thailand and the Philippines completely planned out. And you’re bitching that it’s too stressful. How about you fucking be GRATEFUL for it.

6) He can’t communicate his feelings or have serious discussions about anything. He just shuts down. And to include this he just can’t communicate period sometimes. Like he is unable to reply to messages, etc.

7) He can’t manage money and honestly, sometimes I feel like he’s just into this relationships FOR the money. He makes decent money but I feel like he doesn’t contribute to the “family” enough.

8) I just don’t think we’re sexually compatible long term.

I just don’t know what to do in life right now. Like I’m making all this “money” but it never seems to say in my accounts. I feel like I’m getting ahead and then all of a sudden something comes up and it’s all gone.. IE this month alone I have to pay $55k in taxes, again! Fucking taxes are killing me.

I want to go sailing, I want to go RVing. I want a nice house somewhere. I want a BOYFRIEND who meets/matches me. I dunno. I’m just pretty lost and not sure what to do/where to go/ how to live.

On top of it, I’ve gained like 20 lbs and I feel disgusting.

RIP Clytha M Black (Spring)

Clytha M. Spring Black began her eternal life journey on Friday, February 24, 2023 from her home in Waukee.

She was born at home in Nodaway Township, Taylor County on July 30, 1933. She was the first of five children born to Clyde and Winnie (Else) Spring.

Clytha began country school at ‘Dog Hollow’ and graduated from Prescott High School. She then moved to Lenox and began working for the medical practice of Dr Sluss and Dr Robbins.

She and Kenny were married on July 12, 1952. They welcomed three children to their family, Janell, Jim, and Sheila.
Clytha was a stay-at-home Mom when the kids were little; she supplemented the family income selling baked goods from her home and taking in ironing. When the kids were all in school, she held various jobs outside of the home: Sheridan Egg, Dr. Imm, Dr. Sawyer, Tyler Drug Store, and as a Home Health Aid for the State of Iowa.

She was an active member of The United Methodist Church in Lenox and enjoyed giving her time to help support the church.
After retirement, she was a regular volunteer at the After School Project, The Neighborhood Center, assisted at the Ritchie Funeral Home, and you could always count on her for a game of cards!

Clytha was a 50+ year member of The Order of the Eastern Star beginning her membership in Lenox.
She enjoyed her flower gardens – but not the weeds so much! She also grew a small vegetable garden as well as berries and she always had a rhubarb patch. The family enjoyed rhubarb desserts and she also made strawberry rhubarb jam as gifts for the family at Christmas. She enjoyed sharing her love of flowers with everyone and participated in the garden walk during two different years.

In 2021 she made the move to Waukee to be nearer her family. She loved her apartment with a balcony for her ‘outdoor living.’ She participated in several activities and even became ‘the librarian.’ She enjoyed working in the library and especially when Eren came to help. Clytha made friends everywhere she went and loved participating in activities when she was able. She became especially close to her lunch mates.

Celebrating her life are her children: Janell, Jim (Peggy), Sheila (Tim Evans), and niece/daughter Deb (Jim Ralston) Black. Grandchildren: Chris Black, Andy Black, and Rebecca (Neil Hauser) Armes, Great Grandson Eren Hauser. Brothers: Berdine, Larry (Diane), and Reldon (Lometa). Numerous nieces, nephews, cousins, and friends.

Clytha is joining her husband Kenny, her parents, mother-in-law and father-in-law, sister, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, and many friends in heaven.

Thank you for honoring Clytha’s life with your presence today.

Anxious-Avoidant Trap

We got stuck in it.

Over the past week we have been talking a lot. He’s been trying his best but it’s just not enough to recover what has happened at this point. I love him, but it just won’t work unless here’s a MAJOR change in both of us. I don’t think either of us are capable of that right now.

There’s just so much resentment, so much built up anger that isn’t being talked about or resolved. I bring something up that I just want him to say, “I’m sorry, I hear you” and instead he pushes back or is just silent again.

I want him stay, I want him to just open up and talk to me, pour out his feelings, his wants. I made this list of what I needed from him to try and make things better. He got home from work last night and I could tell he had a bad day, I knew I did. But I asked and gave him the opportunity, “Do you want to talk or do you just want to relax and we can talk tomorrow”. He said he wanted to talk.

We started talking about things, he was silent as usual. I asked him how he was feeling, what he was thinking. He was silent. I started talking, I told him a few of the items on my list. He got angry and said: “I told you I’m overwhelmed and yet you make a list”. From there it just went back down hill again. It’s like I try to push the rock up and it’s just an ice slope, I can’t make any traction. I can’t make any progress towards making ti better.

I talked to Calvin, Sean and Mark about things yesterday. I really tried to understand what had happened, what to do, what to try and make it right. And it just seems nothing is working.

I told him to find a new place to live and he went to the bedroom in silence.

The silence is the problem for me. He refuses to open up, to tell me how he feels, to tell me what HE WANTS. He keeps saying it’s all bout what I want, what I want him to change. I asked him, multiple times, WHAT DO YOU want me to change, what do YOU want. And he sits in silence.

The more he’s silent. the more I get upset, the more I want to ATTACH to him. The more I want to attach, the more he wants to run away.

But I know in the long run this isn’t going to work. I cannot be in a relationship with someone who cannot communicate, who cannot talk about their feelings, who cannot be open and honest about what it is they want.

It hurts, it sucks, I feel like a failure. I just want to be happy in life, I want that partner who wants to share their feelings, who I feel comfortable with, who I can just love and give my all too them and they give back.

I’m not getting what I need and I need to remember that. Even those he is such a great person, he’s not what I need in my life as a partner. Hopefully, we can stay friends, hopefully we can talk. Hopefully he will learn and grow from this.

I bet you, just like everyone else I date, they will find the “one” right after this and I’ll be single for another 6 years.