Chris' Site

Yesterday was good… I spent an hour looking for my watch but couldn’t find it. Found a lobster instead which was kinda cool.

I got invited to dinner on another boat. Family with 5 kids. They were super nice. The kids are fun. They made steak bowls and some dessert which was amazing.

I was hella nervous about going over there but it ended up being a lot of fun.

Going to try and move the boat today to the marina but super nervous about docking in a new marina I’ve never been too….

Also, today could have been three years. 🙁

Well, yesterday was a nice day. I went to the city walked around. Saw some sights. Had a good time.

Got back to the dinghy, dinghy back to the boat. Was hooking the dinghy up to the hoist and a heard a “plop”. Looked around and didn’t notice anything missing, so wasn’t sure what it was.

Got on the boat, was petting astra and realized. “FUCK! MY WATCH”

I lost my fucking watch in the water.

Then last night the winds came back stronger then ever. Fucking BLEW all night long. Fucking annoying. I barely slept.

My therapist said I need to journal every day. Write about the good things happening on this trip…. That was on Wed and so far I cannot find one good thing over the past three days to report on.

I have seriously been stuck ON THE BOAT for three days now. I left once yesterday to take astra to the beach cause she refuses to pee on the boat. But it was a nightmare. We’re in this little cove trying to hide out from this passing storm front. Winds are blowing non-stop 25-30MPH. The waves in this little cove even have small white caps on them.

I don’t want to be stuck on this fucking boat this long. I have nothing to entertain me. I keep looking at the same three websites over and over.

Trying to figure out what to do with the boat long term. Researching how to get it to the BVI’s and that sounds just too daunting to me.

But then I read these journals about people who have done the trip and the amazing Turks & Caicos, Puerto Rico, the DR. Places that would be amazing to visit. But maybe just better to fly there and visit by land.

This storm is supposed to last until Monday/Tuesday. I do not want to be fucking on the boat until then. I was really looking forward to moving to a marina on Monday but if these winds keep up, I cannot do that! The forecast is for 10′ waves on Monday! I cannot move the boat in waves like that.

I just want to go home.

Cross post from Reddit… https://www.reddit.com/r/AskGaybrosOver30/comments/1h9hce4/i_messed_up_by_moving_onto_a_boat_and_dont_know/

I’ve been dreaming of living on a sailboat for years (10+ that I can remember), during COVID I finally took the plunge and learned how too sail. I did a 2 charters a year since then loved it (French Polynesia, USVI, BVI, San Diego/Catalina Island). I chartered a boat in SF bay at least once a month to gain experience.

Over the past year, my partner and I broke up. I got laid off from my job. I took a sailing class and there was this guy that was 78 and told us how he’d dreamt his whole life about living on a boat and sailing around, but life always got in the way and now he’s too old to do it.

I said “f&$* it, let’s go”. I could financially afford to not work for a year, I could afford a boat. I was going to take this year and sail The Bahamas, figure out what’s next for a job (I was burnt out anyway), see if I actually enjoyed this life instead of just spending ever day dreaming about it.

Everyone said the first year is the hardest. But honestly it’s been 3 months since moved aboard and I’m done. I just sit here every day wanting to go back home to San Francisco. I sit here and cry because I’m so lonely. The daily stresses are too much for me to handle alone right now.

I just want to go out to a nice restaurant. I want to spend a night out with my friends. I want to go see a movie. I want to go back to the gym. I want to be able to go to a grocery store whenever I want and not have to plan it out a week in advance.

I try and post happy stories on instagram and stuff and everyone is replying saying stuff like “omg, what an amazing life” or “you’re living the dream”. But, I never wanted to do this alone, I always said that I wanted to do this with a partner. And I feel like if I HAD someone here with me, it would be totally different experience.

It’s a nightmare for me. I hate being here, I hate being alone. I feel like a failure. But I don’t know what will actually make me happy any more. I question all my decisions and I don’t know what I should do next. I don’t know if going back to SF is the right decision, I don’t know if I should keep the boat or sell it.

I just feel so lost in life right now and not sure how to proceed with things.

I feel like over the past year, all the emotions, all the tears, all the fear that I’ve been holding in for a lifetime is coming out. Something pops in my head and tears will start coming out. I’ll be sitting here watching a random TV show and I’ll start tearing up over something.

It’s been 16 days since I got to The Bahamas and I just want to go home. I want to go back to my childhood and the smells of grandma and grandpa’s house, ranger cookies baking fresh, laundry hanging outside. I want to go back to a big family Christmas at my parents house with GG and all the extended aunts and uncles. I want to go back to those days of Christmas at GG’s house in Lenox. Where Rebecca and I would always get in trouble for something stupid or hide out on the enclosed porch. I just want to stuff my face with all the chocolates, pies, mashed potatoes, creamed corn and all the other delicious sides that grandma used to make.

I want to be back in Walnut Creek, planning a big Christmas with Charles and his family. I want to be putting up a Christmas tree with someone I love. I want to go back to the days of having him come home and making dinner, or just cuddling on the couch. Going to the gym together.

I don’t know what I’m doing here, I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. What impact am I making in this world at all. Am I even capable of making an impact? I feel like I am not that social bird. I just want to have my husband, a family. But is that?

I question my decisions, did I fuck up making this move. Did I fuck up and am I making the right decisions. Did I fuck up with Charles, Kellie, other randoms I’ve been on dates with. Am I ever going to be able to find that love again that I had. The bigger question, am I going to be able to GIVE that love again. I just feel like right now, I cannot give love. I just cannot emotionally go through another break up. I cannot emotionally handle loving someone and then losing that again.

I’m really pissed with work. But it doesn’t even matter any more. My boss has been really on me about stupid fucking shit. Like we hired a new guy, he starts this coming Monday. It’s HR’s job to request account setup, etc. He messages me the other day and asks “When is NEW GUY’s account going to be ready”. I reply and tell him that HR has to submit the request and they will get the confirmation. He replies with “Can you find out”. WTF why do _I_ need to find out? Fucking ask HR.

Then he sends me a message last night at 6:30pm. I didn’t see it, I was busy making dinner then I fell asleep. He messages again an our later “No thoughts, Chris?” WTF. Chill the fuck out

This week is also the Christmas company party. I’ve been with this company for 7 fucking years and they didn’t even BOTHER to invite me. WTF. I’m still a fucking employee.

Also the VP of OPs is basically making my life hell. He just excludes me from everything.

Then I’m freaking out over Trump and what he is going to do to our economy. I’m worried that if he crashes our economy no one is going to be able to pay rent, which means I won’t have any income which means I won’t be able to afford this fucking boat. I still cannot believe all these fucking stupid fuck Americans voted for this fucker and think that he’s going to make life better. How the fuck do they think anything he represents is what America should represent. How do they think that the ideas and policies (or lack thereof) are going to make America a better place to live.

I just want someone here to cuddle me and comfort me. Tell me it’s going to be OK. I’m coming up on 43 and I’m more lost then ever.

I’ve been chatting this guy up that lives in the Philippines. He’s super hot, really nice, but why am I even talking to him? I doubt I will ever even meet him. I doubt that anything will ever come from it. and he’s turning into another Kellie. Calling me constantly, wanting to be on the phone all the time, being overly clingy.