Chris' Site

He’s perfectly CAPABLE of being a kind, caring, responsive human being. BUT YET he chooses to treat me like total SHIT

Last night, he could have offered me a ride home. If it were Eric or serge. He would have. But when I question him he says “You should have asked”.

He always told me, he’s bad at texting, but yet he sits there when we hang out, texting serge and Eric and who ever else constantly.

I tried to plan us nice trips, get aways. He always said “I can’t commit due to work”. But then he’s trying to plan shit with Jay and James. I even suggested last year we just go spend ONE DAY. I wanted to spend ONE DAY in the snow. Get a cute cabin, go snowmobiling, etc. And he said “No, I don’t like the snow”. but now he’s trying to do the exact same thing with them.

He just ignores my text and doesn’t even bother to reply.

When we were together, I would suggest we go to random concerts just to enjoy the experience. But he would say “No, I don’t know them” or “I don’t like them that much”. But now he’s single and he’s going to random concerts he doesn’t know.

He’s just a fucking asshole.

I DESERVE BETTER. TREAT ME LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN BEING.

I should just block him. He doesn’t even deserve me in his life. I’m too good for him.

Hella crushing on this boy.

Met him like three weeks ago. We’ve hung out almost every day since then. He video calls me to chat, he comes over and hangs out. We go to the gym. We’ve been to the bars together, we went shopping together. Basically just hanging out.

He communicates, he’s sweet, he’s funny, he’s got good family connections, he’s got a good job, he’s cute AF. He’s kinda dom in bed.

He’s only here visiting for 4 weeks. He leaves on Monday. I’m going to miss him like crazy.

The more I hang with him, the more I like him. He’s a fucking CATCH. Jhunrie agrees.

BUT There’s some major issues.
1) He lives in Ireland
2) He’s JUST coming out at 30 years old
3) He’s JUST coming out!!

He first came over to just hookup. I thought he would just be some random bottom and kick him to the curb after. The next day he texted me “Make me a coffee?” And I said sure, and since then we’ve just been chilling having fun together.

He randomly called me this morning and said “let’s go get coffee”. So we hung and just had coffee together.

Why is it, it’s always the ones you can’t have.

Why can’t I find a boy like him here..

We laid off a bunch of people yesterday. Sadly, I wasn’t on the list.

I found out about the layoffs about a month ago. I got the list about 2 weeks ago. There were a few names on there that are going to be devastated. I felt so bad for them. I honestly haven’t even wanted to do jack shit for work lately.

I was really wanting to be on the list. I wanted to be laid off. Give me that kick in the ass to go do something else, find something new.

I wonder how the people took the news and I really hope they gave REALLY good severance. There are other people that SHOULD have been on the list that aren’t. People who don’t really work and are just full of hot air.

My friend Jonathan says I need to just jump ship. I need to quit and just do my own thing. I have enough cash to survive. I have enough resources to be fine. But I am just scared/nervous.

He says, it’s easier than finding a bf. Just do it.

Maybe.

I’m sitting here, tears streaming down my face. Thinking about him. 2 years ago today was when we agreed to give it another try. Two years ago he said “Im just so excited I have you back and I don’t ever want to let you go again!!”.

And he let me go. He couldn’t open up. He said the other night he wanted me to get to know him to unravel him to open him up. But he resisted that. He resisted letting me in. He didn’t LET me get to know him.

Why am I the one hurting so much. Why am I the one who’s put all this effort in and he just moves on so easily.

Am I just fixing it just to break it?
Am I just hanging on, just so we can drown?
Like the love we thought we found, no
We’re hoping that we don’t just hit the ground
I’ve been pulling you close, but pushing me further
I’ve been holding it back, that I see you different
Sick of me remindin’ you to love me like you say you do
And I’ve been hurting myself to keep you from leaving
I’ve been wonderin’ whether we’ll last the season
Wish we could’ve made this work
But now I know that I need more
I need more
I need more
I need more
Afraid that I’ll lose you in the crowd
I wish that I was a priority
Then you walked out on me with a straight look on your face
And said you’ve had enough

So, last night was gingerbread house night. Jay, James and Charles have this tradition where they make gingerbread houses every year. The first year Charles and I were together, he said It was “too soon” for me to meet his friends. The second year, Charles and James weren’t talking. This year, Jay had made a comment I would be invited, but then I wasn’t. Which honestly was fine. It’s their tradition, not mine. I’m not with Charles any more, so I don’t need to be there.

However, one of the things they were going to talk to him about that night was the four of us hanging out more before we go to this Austin trip in Feb. Well apparently they couldn’t figure out any time in December that would work, so around 4:30 Charles called me and said: “Jay is inviting you over”. I was torn as to what to say. I wanted to say no, “Sorry, I already have plans”. (Hugo and I were going to go to the bar). But I also finally wanted to see him again. I wasn’t sure what to do. But I had to make a decision so I said yes. That was probably the wrong thing to say.

I got ready and drove over there. On the way, Apple Music was playing the perfect play list. The last song I heard was “a little bit yours” by JP Saxe. The perfect song for that night.

When I arrived, it was already awk, Charles barely even acknowledged my entrance, not even bothering to get up from his gingerbread house until I came over to say hi to him. And that was basically how the night went. He was sharing funny shit on his phone with James, he was texting god knows who. But mostly just ignoring me.

I felt out of place, I felt like I shouldn’t’ have been there. I felt like Charles didn’t actually want me there and that Jay and James were really having to try hard to not make it awk AF. At one point, James even mentioned my blog in front of Charles which was a bit annoying. But I mean Derik did spill the beans to him about this early on in our relationships, so I guess it doesn’t matter. And who knows if he reads this or not. James made the comment that Charles said “how come he doesn’t’ send it to me”. Maybe I should send it to him.

At one point they were talking about how before I got there they were discussion what they all like sexually or something and jay said “yeah Charles loves rimming”. Not once during our relationship could I ever get him to talk to me about what he did or didn’t like in sex. Why can he open up to them, talk to them but not to the person he SAID he loved, that he SAID he wanted to marry. Why, why can he and I not have this same banter about things.

Anyway, we went for dinner, then some drinks. Charles barely talking to me. The same old shit as our relationship. The same fucking Charles, nothing has changed. And yet I want him so badly. I want him to love me, I want him to be in my life. I want to wake up next to him every day, I want to hold his hand. I want to see his smile.

We left around 11pm, Charles and I said our goodbyes outside. I couldn’t help myself. I was drunk, I was annoyed. So I let it out, I told him I miss him that I still love him. Etc etc etc. All the shit I know he doesn’t want to hear. At one point, I said to him “you have to admit you were an asshole in our relationship” and he started to storm off, I chased after him and we talked longer. But of course nothing productive.

The whole tennis thing came up again. Which is so frustration that he feels the way he does. He said I was “holding him back”. That’s not what I wanted at all. I wanted to ENCOURAGE him to go play. I just wanted to be INVITED. I wanted to play with him too. I wanted to go enjoy that time together with something HE LOVED to do.

On the drive home. I called him. And I said “Can we just have a normal conversation about our lives”. Can we just reconnect. So we talked about normal things but I could tell he was still holding back a lot. I was too, there’s a lot I don’t want him to know about that I’ve been doing. There’s a lot of feelings that I don’t want him to know.

He admitted during that conversation that he was part of the problem in our relationship so that’s a fucking start. But he still cannot just open up to me. He still can’t ask me about my life without being pushed to ask.

My life is miserable, I put on a happy face, I put on that I’m enjoying my time and my life. But it sucks. I am not happy. I am not enjoying this life right now. Some days I just want to never talk to another human again. Some days I just want to not be here on this place.

All I want in my life is a partner a lover, someone to be happy with. Someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. Someone to share my days with, to sit and do nothing with. To dream about the future with. Someone who I can cuddle all night, someone who I can hold hands with in the car. Someone who can be open and honest with me about their feelings, their wants. Someone _I_ can be open and honest with and not feel that they will run away from me.

He was that person who did those things for me. He DID make me happy. I loved to do things for him, I loved every moment together. All I ever wanted was to be CLOSER to him. To SHARE more with him. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want this to end, I wanted it to be happy ever after.

I told him last night. he can call me any time. we can hang out, we can do things, we can go to the gym. He said yeah, I know. He said I can call him. But I dunno, I want him to put in that effort. I want him to reach out, I want him to say “let’s do something”.

I SEE how he is with James, with Eric, with Serge. I SEE that person that he really is inside there, the way he was when we FIRST started dating. That was the Charles I fell in love with. THAT was the Charles I wanted all along.. I just want him to treat me the same way again. I just want him to TALK to me the way he talks to them. I just want to go out and laugh and have fun with him again. I just want him to admit he loves me, misses me.

All I do is get over you
And I’m still so bad at it
I let myself want you
I let myself try
I let myself fall back into your eyes
I let myself want you
I let myself hope
I let myself feel things I know that you don’t
You’re not mine anymore
But I’m still a little bit yours
Maybe if I’d said the right things
It never would’ve gone this way
But maybe that’s the problem
‘Cause I still kinda think it was up to me
When I never could’ve made you stay