Category: My Life

Leave GT for the last time and starting my trek back home to the US… It’s kind of bitter sweet, when I left Charleston, I called my ex and was crying questioning why the fuck I was doing this. Why I wanted to go.

I’ve spent the last 5 months here in THE BAHAMAS, every day wishing to go back home. Go back to my apartment in SF, seeing my friends again, going out to dinner. Thankfully I’ve had some amazing friends come and visit, I’ve met some great people here. But I’ve still just wanted to go home, go back to our apartment. There have been times that I felt like a complete failure here, asking myself wtf did you get into…

I hate that I feel like I am missing out on parts of life, friends, dating, concerts, etc. But I’m here in THE BAHAMAS living an amazing life. Everyone says “you’re living the best life” or “you’re living a dream life”. But at times, I feel like I’m stuck, like I’ve messed up majorly in deciding to do this. A big part of why I decided to come here was to figure out what I wanted in life.. This was a dream of mine but I always said I would only do it with a partner, but alas here I am doing it alone.

And it’s lonely, beautiful but lonely. It sad looking at my friends instagrams, posting food pictures, going out, hanging out with each other. Watching my ex move on and find new love. I feel as though the longer I’m here, the more my friends forget me.

In the end, I’m still just as confused about what I’m doing today as I was when I left Charleston all those months ago… I arrive back in the USA on Apr 7th and what do I do after that. Do I keep the boat, do I sell, do I go to the med, do I spend the summer on the east coast, do I go back to the carribean next fall? What about dating, work, astra, so many unknowns and so many questions still left un-answered.

I can’t wait to get home and get back to land for a little bit but now that I’m leaving, I don’t want to go.

No matter what I do once I get back to America, I’ve accomplished something amazing. I took the risk, I learned a lot about myself and I have some great memories for the rest of my life.

Jay and James are here and it’s nice having them. So far the best guests.. But I feel bad cause the weather is kinda shit and my entire plan is out the window.. We have been stuck on this mooring ball for a few days, Going to move in a little bit to a different mooring ball but because of the winds I’m not sure we will be able to do much. Just kinda sucks that their vacation is a little shitty cause of the wind. I hope that they are enjoying themselves.

I’ve been a little Meh again about this whole boat thing. I was excited for a little bit about going to the Med but then I start looking into it and the logistics, insurance, getting meds, people visiting, etc. It’s just too much stress for me I feel like. Plus the loneliness of it all, feeling left out. Etc.

It also is really bothering me that some of my “friends” haven’t made any effort to come visit. But they have been going on other vacations, some of them have been on multiple vacations since I got here but haven’t even asked about coming to visit or followed up on me asking them.

I dunno what to do, TBH. Sell, Med, Sell, Med. The costs, the loneliness, the crazy adventure to get there. Will I regret not going, Will I regret selling, Will I regret going?

I stress out about getting my meds, I stress out about what if I need to fly home, how do I get astra back to the USA. I stress out about getting there… Then once I’m there, I’m limited to 90 days. What do I do after those 90 days, come back to the US, GO to the Caribbean, go to turkey… I just don’t know. It’s a LOT of work to get there and what, only to find out I don’t like it? Or what if I get there and I love it. I also kind of just want to sell this boat so that I don’t have the $4,500/month payments on it. Plus if I leave it in dry dock or something another $1,500/month to store it. That’s a lot of fucking money that I am spending on this boat… If the markets turn to crap, if I don’t make enough on my rentals… How will I survive and pay my bills.

And then with all this shit happening in the USA, what’s the point of going back there? Everyone I know is trying to leave.. and will it even really be safe there? Trump is def going to start hating on the gays soon. There are multiple states calling for the over turning of gay marriage. They are literally taking away protective rights from trans people, what’s to stop them from removing them from gays next? They are kicking Trans people out of the military, what’s to stay they won’t do that to gays next?

I just don’t know what to do… It’s so confusing.

Sitting here this morning listing to depressing music and just thinking about things…. I’ve been kinda sitting here debating if I even write this or not.

Gonna be a mix of Charles, Politics and life in general.

Let’s get the Charles stuff out of the way first. I still feel bad about what happened, I still wish I could go back in time and change things, fix things. I texted him one month ago and he hasn’t even bothered to reply. Clearly he’s the same old shit. And that’s what frustrates me so much. How does he keep getting all these guys to love him. He’s out there in a new relationship, while I sit here missing him still. His birthday is coming up and I’m debating not even texting him happy birthday. But see that’s the thing, even something that simple and stupid and he’s on my mind, I spend time thinking about it, debating,, etc. He can’t reply to my messages, he doesn’t reach out and just say “hey how are you”. Clearly we are not friends. Clearly he doesn’t think about me. Why am I still sitting here thinking bout him so much. Why am I still crying over the loss of him. Why do I still sit and wish for things to be different. He’s not.

The other part of this is that it’s frustrating to me that I’m here on this boat, not moving forward with what I want in life and he’s out there having fun, living his life, going out, having a bf, hanging out with friends. etc. And I’m just stuck here doing nothing.

I just long for the days of us in our apartment, cooking dinner, going to the gym, being a routine partners, going to his family events, going on vacations.. . That’s really all I want in life. I don’t really want this crazy life of living on a boat in some remote place. I just want to be there holding his hand, cuddling him at night.

Politics… I am just out of words to describe how I feel about what’s going on in America. I still cannot believe that 50% of America supports what he is doing. I cannot believe our courts and our congress is not stopping him. I cannot believe that places like Iowa are passing trans bans, drag bans, etc. I don’t want to be some crazy conspiracy person, but as gays are we going to end up in camps, are we going to be made illegal again with anti-sodomy laws. Are we going back to the days of having to hide who we are.

With Elon basically running our government, firing anyone he wants, getting all the data he wants. What is he going to do with that data as a private citizen… What are his companies going to do with our data.. The government probably has way more data than you could even even imagine on us. And now this one person has full unfettered control. It’s scary AF.

And then life in general. I met up with all2well a few days ago. We were at dinner and kinda just BSing about plans. I mentioned maybe wanting to go to Greece… They were on board with going as a group… So I’ve been hard core researching that the past few days. It’s quickly becoming the top choice to go do.

Lastly, friends in general. The longer I am out here, the fewer friends reach out to me to just talk in general, to say hey, to ask how I am doing. It’s getting sad. 🙁

Making the last trek to GT today… Met up with my friends on All2Well a few days ago and have been sailing with them. They are sailing down with us.

First, it’s so nice again to have another boat to travel with and as much as I loved the Boston guys, all2well is more on my speed of doing things… Go check it out, then go back to boat and hang out. Not spend hours doing random various things.. haha.

Second, I fucking love their boat. I have a bit of envy with it. Granted I could have NEVER afforded their boat. But damn it’s nice. They also must spend so much time cleaning though cause it’s spotless. hahah.

Having another boat to travel with makes this whole situation so different and it makes me confused about what I want to do…

Also I keep watching these YouTube of people in Greece and it makes me RELALY want to go over there and try it out. I stared a pro/con list but I am still not sure what exactly to do.

This month I am spending so much money
1) $16,000 on new washer/dryers for the apartments
2) $12,000 on structural repairs for one building
3) $7,000 remodeling an apartment cause we kicked out this hoarder and it was just so fucking disgusting.
4) $6,000 on stuff for the boat.

I need to stop bleeding money! I’m getting concerned for when I stop getting money from VFF about if I’ll be able to afford life!

I wish that I had one more guest who can come visit… help me with the trek from GT back to Marsh Harbor. THat’ll be about 2-3 weeks alone and not sure how I feel about all that.

Yesterday kinda sucked… We moved only 5 miles so I left the dinghy down and towed it behind. We got to the anchorage and I was backing down on the anchor. All of a sudden I heard a BAM and the engine shut down. The tow line got caught on the prop.

It took me 3 hours under water to cut the damn thing free… Now I’m all worried that something is more broken, people on line have said that means my seals are probably fucked. Which means water in the oil.. I’m not sure how often that means I can run my engine, etc.. But I’ll have to find a haul out facility to get that fixed.

I called a broker yesterday to see about selling the boat. Just so I can get an idea of what I could get for it financially. I have about $630k into it…

I’m making my last trip south and honestly, I just want to go north NOW.