Category: My Life

So I’m back on the boat with astra now. She clearly hates it here.

Let’s go back to before the trip, Charles texted me one day asking if he could get some advice. I’m always up for helping out so I said sure. He said he would call me the next morning before work. He didn’t…. HOURS AND HOURS later, typical Charles, he texts and says “can I call you on my lunch break”. Yeah sure.

So he calls and starts talking about Don and how Don is still in love with him and how Don just broke up with his BF because he’s still in love with Charles. How him and Don text every day, blah blah blah. WTF. Why the FUCK would you call me about this topic? I got pissed off. He started the call with “You’re the only one who can be impartial about this.” on WHAT planet do you think I can be impartial about anything to do with Don? On WHAT PLANET do you think I want to hear about how Don is still in love with you. WTF. I hung up on him. Haven’t heard from him since. Fuck that.

Anyway, Lalo (19 year old) and I did a road trip across the country back to the boat. I was really nervous about how it would go. what do I have in common with a 19 year old, what do I have to say to him for 24 hours a day for 7 days. But it ended up being amazing…. We had so much fun, talked, laughed, joked around. We got sick together which sucks so we didn’t get to do everything I planned, but it is what it is, we still had a lot of fun! I think I am def falling for him. He’s exactly the type of person I want to date, but only 20 years too young 🙁

He helped with dishes, cleaned, we planned stuff together. Everything I had been wanting out of Charles, everything I would want out of a BF. He kept saying things like “You’re teaching me what I want in a relationship.” Ugh, why am I always the teacher. Why can’t I find someone like that who is ready to date ME.

Speaking of dating, I’ve been matching with people on hinge here in Baltimore, but honestly I have no interest in even meeting any of these people. I have no interest in really meeting people and being social with them. I kinda worry/wonder if I am turning into my aunt Janell, gonna be a hermit, hide in my house, hoarder. I sure hope not.

I think part of it is also just the uncertainty of what is going to be coming with the boat. Am I going to Antigua? Am I staying here, is it going to sell. There’s still been ZERO interest in the boat… And now that leaving for Antigua is TWO MONTHS away I just sit here and I’m like. WTF that is so much shit to get done… So many people I have to beg to come with me.

Hahah. wicked 😛

Anyway, I re-downloaded “dating” apps. Hinge mostly is what I’m trying to use now. Within a few days, I matched with 40 people. All of them seem to be very well off, like nice jobs, etc. Cute. But honestly I just don’t have the energy to do the whole “dating” BS.

Asking about your life, following up on shit. It’s just annoying now. Half the guys I’ve already rejected for one thing or another. The other half I’ve forgotten most of what they’ve already told me.

This one guy seems really good, he and I have done a few FaceTimes but he just makes it feel so transactional. IE he will text a few short things in the morning then nothing the rest of the day. At the end of the FaceTime he will be like “So what did you find most interesting about today’s chat” or some other therapist like question. It’s just weird.

I dunno. I just don’t enjoy this right now still. I just don’t enjoy dating.

Even with 19 year old. Like I know I don’t want to date him. But I struggle with when and how to reply to him sometimes. IE the other day he sent me this cute video telling me all about his day. WTF do I say/do in reply? He’s also started texting me good night messages….

Maybe it’ll chance once I get to Baltimore and I feel more stable.

But then when I tell people I am on a boat and only here for the summer, that’s probably a turn off for them. Right?

Ugh….

Boat’s back in the water and it’s def made me feel stronger in my want to get it sold. I just want it gone now.

The whole process went pretty smoothly, the boat is cleaner than I expected but still a lot of work to do. Yesterday was 107 outside and I had both AC’s running. Neither could keep up with the heat. The main AC kept shutting down due to over heat.

I kinda miss 19 year old. But do I just miss him because of the physical closeness or cause I actually like him?

Also getting back on the dating apps is so annoying. The people just un-matching for no reason. The constant chatting that goes no where. I’m honestly still super annoyed with Ben from NYC. We chatted daily for nearly 7 months. Then when I was in the area he was “too busy” to actually meet. I want to text him and be like, “So what was the fucking point”.

Speaking of. I flew into Richmond and spent one night there in the city. Last time I was there I met this guy on grindr but we didn’t get a chance to meet. He was a hot black guy with a huge dick. We exchanged snap chat. Talked every day. I told him a week before what day I was coming, he said he was down to meet. I texted him the morning I came, he said yes. I texted him when I landed. We confirmed he would come over after work at 6pm. I confirmed with him again around 4pm. He messaged me at 5:30ish saying he was gonna shower and then come over…. Crickets. Nothing. Fucking GHOSTED me. I was so fucking pissed.

And then of course all these couples posting on insta…

Just getting frustrated again about being single…. Ugh.

So, I met this 19 year old. Total Deja Vu from Army (Aka Randy). This guy is 19, Army, Going to school to be a nurse. He’s hella funny. Very cute, sweet. Ugh. How come I can’t find someone like him MY AGE.

We met for a hookup and ended up hanging out every day for like 4 or 5 days straight. Yesterday we did gym, drove around iowa for the day. I got home and I kinda miss him.

Frustrating.

I’ve also been having bad luck with dating in general again. There was this other guy I’ve been chatting with. Having great talks every day. Good Morning, Good night, etc etc. His last message to me was “talk tomorrow”. I woke up the next day. Blocked. WTF?

Apparently Charles is going camping again. That bothers me because as you know, I begged and begged him to go camping and he never wanted to go. Why do all my ex’s change after we break up. 🙁

And the big news… My parents announced they are going to sell the house. Super sad, I knew this was coming at some point, but I didn’t think so soon. I kinda want to buy it but also don’t want it at the same time. I’m torn how I feel about all this. they don’t even know where they are going yet either.

Back from the PH. This was a trip of highs and lows.

I arrived there and started out super great. Lots of hookups with hot boys. But most importantly I met JC in person for the first time.

He of course he brought mark and nothing was planned as usual. But we had a nice time. Just walked around, had dinner, had some drinks. Got back to my hotel and we made out a bit. But with Mark there it was weird and we couldn’t really talk.

I flew to Siquijor and my AirBNB host and my Tour guide were both gay so we ended up hanging out the whole time there. That was tons of fun. Went to their house, drank, had food. Showed me around the island. 10/10 on that island. I rented a motorbike for the first time ever, that was terrifying. I nearly crashed into two guys with a pig on their motorbike at one point. The only problem is that I was starting to feel sick.

Took the ferry to Bohol the next day and I was SICK AF. Barely enough energy to do anything. I rented a motorbike again and went to the clinic. Come to find out I had two different infections. First one I had HUGE lymph nodes, my tonsils were covered in white gunk, fever, high heart rate, high respiratory rate. Second was an intestinal infection (probably from ice there in PH). So I spent the entire 4 days in Bohol just holed up in my airbnb. It was TOUGH AF because I was alone and my airbnb was a little remote so getting food, etc was difficult. Thank god they had food delivery there.

Took the flight/ferry to Siargao and again my AirBNB was pretty remote. I fucked up on that part because I should have got AirBNB’s in more populated areas. Did a tour one day, felt sick again so I spent the next day just chilled in the airbnb. Last day there I met some guy and he took me around a bit on his motorbike.

Flew back to Manila and hung out. I was still pretty worn out/tired and Manila is SO HOT/Busy that I didn’t even really want to try and do anything. My hotel had an Onsen which was nice so I did that and got a massage.

The first night back, JC invited me to come hang out with him and all his friends at like 9pm. but it was too late and I didn’t really want the pressure of meeting ALL his friends. Mark messaged me and said “He’s so proud of you and he wants to show you off”. Such weird mixed messages TBH.

Second night we met up again. He brought mark and JJ this time. It was SUPER weird because my hotel at close to this mall. JC took a GRAB to the mall, had mark and JJ meet him there and then was going to drive to come pick me up. Why not just fucking GRAB to my hotel first? Sometimes the thought process just makes zero sense.

Anyway we had a nice dinner then went back to my hotel and went to the roof top bar. Mark and JJ left us alone so we could talk. At one point mark had made the comment that JC thinks I just want to have sex with him. So I made it clear that was not the point. I want to meet him, I want to get to know him. I care about him. We talked and shared thoughts.. The whole night he was holding my hand (he initiated it). He said that he can’t provide the level of commitment I want right now. Which is fine, he’s fucking in the PH. I’m in the USA and lost AF.

We said goodnight and he kissed me twice then left. 🙁

He’s a pretty great package overall. Of course he’s SEXY AF. But he’s also very ambitious, hard worker, cooks, wants kids, doesn’t drink, family oriented, funny, smart. He honestly reminds me a lot of Charles. His personality, etc. His inability to really share his feelings.

Mark messaged me and said “Move to PH” and I replied and asked, is that from you or from JC. He said from JC.

I really wish we could have had MORE time together. I wish he would have stayed the night and just cuddled. I wish we had more alone time to just talk and hang out. But in the end, he’s in PH and I’m in the USA…. Would this ever actually work out? I’m also still shocked that he’s even willing to talk to me being that I’m HIV+. I really wonder if he’s POZ and just unwilling to share that because it’s so Taboo there.

Speaking of, I met some HIV+ boys while I was there and it’s so sad. Like a few of them weren’t even willing to say “I’m Poz” or anything. They hinted at it like “guys like us” or things like that. One of them told me that he has to take a 3hr ferry to a different island just to get meds so that no one on his island knows he’s poz.

I’m back in SF and still a bit sick feeling. It’s weird because I’m having a hard time peeing. Like I have to REALLY THINK to pee. Going to go to Kaiser today and just get my STI tests done, etc. I have my first meeting with my new DR in Iowa next Week. That’s going to be an interesting first meeting.

In other news…

The boat is a fucking mess. So they say I need a new sail drive which is $16,000. But it’s under 2 years old and under 700 hours on it. It should still be covered by warranty. So I asked the maint people to submit warranty, they said they did and it was denied. So I called Volvo myself and they said they didn’t get anything! So they fucking lied to me about submitting a warranty claim??? Volvo called them and told them to submit warranty claim. So Let’s see what happens.

Either way, fucking annoying. Now it’ll delay getting the boat back in the water.

While I was away we also had a major issue at an apartment building with a flood. Going to cost another $18k. This year has just been money flying out the door and I’m a bit scared that things are goin south and I really fucked up by quitting my job.

I also feel like I’m just getting too old for this shit. Like this trip has wiped me out, physically and mentally. Flying back on the 12hr flight I was in so much pain the whole way. The past 3-4 days my legs have HURT like a MOFO. And on top of that, just the insanity of the PH, the traffic, trying to get around and find stuff, the constant ridiculous BS (false sense of security is a MAJOR thing there). I’m just over it.