Author: Cj B

I do this to myself over and over again. It’s my preoccupied behavior. Now I just cannot stop focusing on him, stalking him on instagram (the only place I have) going over in my mind time and again why did this happen, why am I being rejected. What’s wrong with me.

I need to re-read Attached. I need to start applying some of those ideas to myself and focusing on changing these things.

I keep wishing he would text me and say he missed me again, say sorry. But he won’t. He’s at home, living his life. Probably not even thinking about me at all.

My friends and even one person I’ve never met have been insanely supportive during this time and I feel bad for unloading on them. I should be able to handle this myself. I need to be tougher as Army said in his texts yesterday. I get “butt hurt” too easily.

I need to LEARN to separate my feelings from friends. I need to learn how to be able to have friends who I used to care for. Even Calvin, when I talk to him currently I still get super annoyed and sad. I miss him so much still. Will I ever fully get over him? I mean even going back in time, my first BF Adam. I still think about him sometimes. This isn’t normal, is it?

To be so focused on the past, wishing things had changed or been different. Wanting to get back there. Fix what I did wrong. Never break up with Calvin, never get HIV, never give up climbing with my friends.

Maybe back in 2008, I should have taken Jason up on his request to date. Maybe we would have been partners, husbands? I mean we’re still great friends all these years later, we tell each other everything, we talk daily, say goodnight, say good morning.. I’ve just never been ROMANTICALLY interested in him. We’re just friends.

I build these hard walls, you’re either friends, lovers or nothing.

How the fuck am I going to survive Vietnam with him. How the FUCK am I going to put on a happy face, smile and enjoy this trip. How the FUCK am I going to live with him all summer. Is he going to go on dates while he’s here? What if HE finds a bf here. Could you imagine… what the fuck.

Honestly, I would have felt better if he had just said “Yes, it’s because you’re POZ”. Now I just don’t know what the efuck to do all summer.

You don’t give a shit about me, so why do I care so much about you. You never ask me, “How’s your day” or “What do you have planned”. You never say goodnight or good morning, unless I do so first.

So why am I still fucking chasing you. Why am I spending all this fucking money to try and impress you. Why am I spending so much time stressing over what to do with you to make you think I’m fun and charming and cute.

You’ve got me wrapped around your finger and I don’t know why. I don’t know how.

This past weekend was your graduation party and commissioning ceremony. I text you “Have an amazing day today and congrats! Enjoy your party and your friends and family. Wish I could be there for you!”. You replied “Thank you. I’ll see u soon”.

I texted you that night. “good night”. You read it and never replied. If I didn’t say anything to you, would you message me? When we were fighting last weekend you said something along the lines of “you never texted me the last few days”. I don’t text you, because you don’t text me. It’s a catch-22. But I’m not going to be the one that’s ALWAYS starting the convo. Always saying the nice things.

How did I get into this situation with you. I BARELY know you, yet I care so much about what you do/think about me. Why am I like this.

I want to say so much to you, but I know it will piss you off/scare you away. I just don’t understand.

This past weekend I had a date with a cute Vietnamese boy, Friday night we went out to dinner and had Peking duck then dessert. We chatting and said goodnight. I hugged him and for some reason got a major hard on, I jerked off once I got home. Saturday we met up again around 5pm. I picked him up at the BART station and went to my house, we hung out, watched a movie, made out, etc. He’s super cute but he says he’s just looking for hookups. He’s just recently HIV+. Poor guy. We will see if we hang out again. He says he wants to hang out again before we

Next Saturday army arrives again. I’ve booked us a hotel ($600), a massage ($300) and a dinner cruise ($360). I’m gonna spend over a $1,000 on him for this weekend and he won’t care. He won’t show any affection. He won’t say thank you or get me anything.

I stupidly bought him a gopro too. I’m still debating if I give it to him or just keep it for myself. But I’ve never been much of a video/youtube person. I prefer pictures.

Ugh. Calvin and I should have just got married. He was great, he cared, he was sweet. I miss him so much still. I did the wrong thing.

Feeling used
But I’m
Still missing you
And I can’t
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can’t seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to but I can’t put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her
I miss you when I can’t sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can’t eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don’t remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too,
And I’m always tired but never of you
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit
I put this reel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit
I type a text but then I never mind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know
If you wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to but I can’t put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her
I don’t mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night I sing this song
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to but I can’t put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her
All alone I watch you watch her
Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen
You don’t care you never did
You don’t give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She is the only thing you ever see
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don’t want to but I can’t put nobody else above you
I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

I’ve decided I’m taking a break from hooking up/random sex. Just the last few times I’ve hooked up I’ve felt so empty and been so not into it. I just crave more someone I care for and love, someone to passionately kiss and hug while having sex. Someone who knows me well enough to know what I like or don’t like each time.

I’m going to go as far as actually DELETING my accounts, not just telling myself I won’t log into them.

We’ll see how long this lasts.