Author: Cj B

Back from the PH. This was a trip of highs and lows.

I arrived there and started out super great. Lots of hookups with hot boys. But most importantly I met JC in person for the first time.

He of course he brought mark and nothing was planned as usual. But we had a nice time. Just walked around, had dinner, had some drinks. Got back to my hotel and we made out a bit. But with Mark there it was weird and we couldn’t really talk.

I flew to Siquijor and my AirBNB host and my Tour guide were both gay so we ended up hanging out the whole time there. That was tons of fun. Went to their house, drank, had food. Showed me around the island. 10/10 on that island. I rented a motorbike for the first time ever, that was terrifying. I nearly crashed into two guys with a pig on their motorbike at one point. The only problem is that I was starting to feel sick.

Took the ferry to Bohol the next day and I was SICK AF. Barely enough energy to do anything. I rented a motorbike again and went to the clinic. Come to find out I had two different infections. First one I had HUGE lymph nodes, my tonsils were covered in white gunk, fever, high heart rate, high respiratory rate. Second was an intestinal infection (probably from ice there in PH). So I spent the entire 4 days in Bohol just holed up in my airbnb. It was TOUGH AF because I was alone and my airbnb was a little remote so getting food, etc was difficult. Thank god they had food delivery there.

Took the flight/ferry to Siargao and again my AirBNB was pretty remote. I fucked up on that part because I should have got AirBNB’s in more populated areas. Did a tour one day, felt sick again so I spent the next day just chilled in the airbnb. Last day there I met some guy and he took me around a bit on his motorbike.

Flew back to Manila and hung out. I was still pretty worn out/tired and Manila is SO HOT/Busy that I didn’t even really want to try and do anything. My hotel had an Onsen which was nice so I did that and got a massage.

The first night back, JC invited me to come hang out with him and all his friends at like 9pm. but it was too late and I didn’t really want the pressure of meeting ALL his friends. Mark messaged me and said “He’s so proud of you and he wants to show you off”. Such weird mixed messages TBH.

Second night we met up again. He brought mark and JJ this time. It was SUPER weird because my hotel at close to this mall. JC took a GRAB to the mall, had mark and JJ meet him there and then was going to drive to come pick me up. Why not just fucking GRAB to my hotel first? Sometimes the thought process just makes zero sense.

Anyway we had a nice dinner then went back to my hotel and went to the roof top bar. Mark and JJ left us alone so we could talk. At one point mark had made the comment that JC thinks I just want to have sex with him. So I made it clear that was not the point. I want to meet him, I want to get to know him. I care about him. We talked and shared thoughts.. The whole night he was holding my hand (he initiated it). He said that he can’t provide the level of commitment I want right now. Which is fine, he’s fucking in the PH. I’m in the USA and lost AF.

We said goodnight and he kissed me twice then left.

He’s a pretty great package overall. Of course he’s SEXY AF. But he’s also very ambitious, hard worker, cooks, wants kids, doesn’t drink, family oriented, funny, smart. He honestly reminds me a lot of Charles. His personality, etc. His inability to really share his feelings.

Mark messaged me and said “Move to PH” and I replied and asked, is that from you or from JC. He said from JC.

I really wish we could have had MORE time together. I wish he would have stayed the night and just cuddled. I wish we had more alone time to just talk and hang out. But in the end, he’s in PH and I’m in the USA…. Would this ever actually work out? I’m also still shocked that he’s even willing to talk to me being that I’m HIV+. I really wonder if he’s POZ and just unwilling to share that because it’s so Taboo there.

Speaking of, I met some HIV+ boys while I was there and it’s so sad. Like a few of them weren’t even willing to say “I’m Poz” or anything. They hinted at it like “guys like us” or things like that. One of them told me that he has to take a 3hr ferry to a different island just to get meds so that no one on his island knows he’s poz.

I’m back in SF and still a bit sick feeling. It’s weird because I’m having a hard time peeing. Like I have to REALLY THINK to pee. Going to go to Kaiser today and just get my STI tests done, etc. I have my first meeting with my new DR in Iowa next Week. That’s going to be an interesting first meeting.

In other news…

The boat is a fucking mess. So they say I need a new sail drive which is $16,000. But it’s under 2 years old and under 700 hours on it. It should still be covered by warranty. So I asked the maint people to submit warranty, they said they did and it was denied. So I called Volvo myself and they said they didn’t get anything! So they fucking lied to me about submitting a warranty claim??? Volvo called them and told them to submit warranty claim. So Let’s see what happens.

Either way, fucking annoying. Now it’ll delay getting the boat back in the water.

While I was away we also had a major issue at an apartment building with a flood. Going to cost another $18k. This year has just been money flying out the door and I’m a bit scared that things are goin south and I really fucked up by quitting my job.

I also feel like I’m just getting too old for this shit. Like this trip has wiped me out, physically and mentally. Flying back on the 12hr flight I was in so much pain the whole way. The past 3-4 days my legs have HURT like a MOFO. And on top of that, just the insanity of the PH, the traffic, trying to get around and find stuff, the constant ridiculous BS (false sense of security is a MAJOR thing there). I’m just over it.

So I’m here in Norway with Hut, Sean, Brian and David. I cannot wait to get home. This whole trip has been annoying AF.

The biggest issue for me is Sean’s constant negativity about EVERYTHING. He cannot go 30 minutes without some negative comment.

The very first day it started out with him making negative comments about my hair.

We saw someone with a neck tattoo and he had to make some negative comment about that.

Somehow prince Alberts came up and he had to make negative comments about that. “oh, why would anyone do that to themselves”

Every time a Sam Smith, Lauv or Lewis Capaldi song comes on we have to hear a minute long bitch fest about how that artist “screams” or “breaths” too much. TWO of us were commenting on how we liked a song and Sean starts bitching about how he “screams” too much.

Every time we see kids around he has to make some negative remark about how they are “annoying” or “should just stay home” or something like that.

There was a biker in the road and he had to be like “ugh, bikers should just get the fuck off the roads, blah blah blah”

We were following an RV which as GOING THE SPEED LIMIT and he just had to make comments like “they need to pull the fuck over to let us through”

He sits there all day constantly checking the stock market and making comments about that

Any time there’s any sort of minor unpleasant smell both him and hut make this big scene about “omg, I cannot breathe we have to get away from this”.

And then he’s constantly back seat driving, I’m the driver, SHUT THE FUCK UP and let me drive. Unless I’m going to fucking kill us, then STFU.

It’s just been non-stop complaining about small shit and it’s really getting on my nerves.

And then they have someone staying at their house watching their dogs and they are CONSTANTLY watching them on VIDEO and making comments about what he’s doing in their house! SUPER INAPPROPRIATE!

Then the second big part is Brian just constantly talks over everyone, ignores what people are saying, etc.

The other day we were in the car talking about Yellowstone, they had all been there before and I was in the MIDDLE OF SAYING: “I’d love to visit there in the winter, I’ve heard so much about how neat it is to take snow…..” and then he cut me off and started asking hut about his vacation times.

I will literally say something like “oh, I bet that’s where they got all the rock for the steps” and then a few seconds later he’ll be “oh look at that, there’s probably where they got the rock for the steps”.

We were at this super cute little town the other day and there as this bar/cafe that had a fire place and was right on the water. I wanted to just stay for a little bit and have a fucking beer because we have NO TIME to just sit and ENJOY the places we are in. I said three times “let’s get a beer here” and everyone just IGNORED me completely.

Hut and Sean are also so fucking CHEAP, we cannot do anything because “it’s too expensive” blah blah blah. They insist on eating breakfast and dinner at the AirBNB. We have only eaten out TWICE and it’s because I forced them to. We had a 1/4 stick of butter left over and we had to fly to a new AirBNB, they PACKED the butter. We had a tiny bit of milk left over and they PACKED THE MILK.

I just cannot, I am on VACATION, not boot camp. I want to enjoy things. I want to sit and look at the view.

The other day we had travelled all day long (flight+drive) and we were getting to this town at like 8pm. I didnt’ want to fucking half to go grocery shopping AND cook still, so I said I wanted to eat out. Hut picked a sushi place and we get there and he starts talking about just taking the food back to the AirBNB. NO, I want to fucking SIT AND ENJOY THE DAMN RESTAURANT. So I said “no, I want to eat here”. Then hut was making these comments to Sean, then brain was asking hut if we were eating there or to go. And hut was all “well chris wants to eat here blah blah blah” and I just had it. So I blew up at them and said “just fucking get it to go then”

That night, I got my own fucking hotel. I had enough of them all and this fucking constant bitching, not listening. etc.

I re-joined them two days later and I’m regretting it. As soon as I got into the car Sean made some negative comment. Then I was telling them about this guy I hooked up with and how it was funny I hooked up with a Mexican in Norway and Sean’s’ first comment was “well I hope he doesn’t get deported when he goes back to the USA”. WTF why you gotta just be negative all the fucking time.

They also have a little group chat between the four of them and they keep messaging each other right in front of me… So yeah that totally makes me feel unwelcome.

I can see why hut wants to fucking kill himself. If I had to listen to Sean’s comments all day long every day, I would want to kill myself too.

This is def the last fucking trip I ever take with them.

…..
The perfect example of what I’m talking about just happened.

Brian and I just happened to get up at the same time. Hut and Sean were in the kitchen.

We both say good morning and hut and Sean say good morning to Brian and give him a hug.

Hut looks at me and says “oh, someone stinks here”

Leaving SF
It feels like this is the door closing I need… My time in SF is done and this city is not welcoming for me. It doesn’t bring joy and it doesn’t bring me the peace I need.

It’s sad because I have some amazing fiends here, I’ll miss them and hopefully stay in touch with them. But it also just goes to show me again who flaky/fake people are. Some people that I really considered friends or thought would be interested in talking and hearing about my trip / how I am didn’t even bother.

Others I was surprised by and what’s weird is that the majority of the people who seemed to care, are the ones I met through Charles. I’ll appreciate them forever and I hope that we continue to stay in touch.

Charles did eventually reach out. He needed a last min patient to do a screening on. I of course jumped at the chance to help him. But in the end he showed his true color and it’s really hard for me to accept that. Even after all this time he still doesn’t care enough to even ask how the trip was. Doesn’t care enough to say “how are you”. Never asked to hang out one on one. I still put so much effort into him, only to get nothing back. And honestly it ruined the rest of the week I was here. It put me in a funk that I couldn’t shake.

I reached out to Kellie as well and he wasn’t interested in hanging out either.

I dunno, maybe I am a shitty person? I still care about them both so much and yet I get nothing out of either of them. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s them. I don’t know. Or do I just care TOO much. I fucking love them both and I want to be part of their lives, I want them to be part of my life. I want them to SHOW AN INTEREST. I hate that he’s out making a life with someone else, and I’m still just spinning my wheels.

I want to send them both a message and just be like, “do I not matter”. I don’t get it.

I’m back to feeling so lost in life, so scared of the future, alone, afraid.

“this life is too short to lose a moment with you”

I just don’t feel ready/capable of loving as much as I loved Charles again. even with kellie I couldn’t give him everything I gave to Charles.

Where am I going next, what am I doing. Will I ever find that love, someone who can show me that they love me as much as I love them. Give me back the ability to just fucking love

I want nothing more than to just have a bf/husbnad to sit at home with, go to dinner with, cook dinner, go to the gym. Cuddle. I just want our life back, I want to be back in our apartment. I’ve said this before and I still miss it.

How do I fucking get over this, how do I move on and love again. How do I forget him. “I thought that I would be over you by now, but I guess that’s not how it works when you put somebody first”.

I went and did this amazing adventure and yet I’m still feeling like the loser here, Like the one who’s MISSING out on life.

Comment… What do I do?

Being back here in SF, I’ve come to realize it holds few happy memories. When I drive around, I just think of the sadness and heartbreak.

I don’t think I have a future here in this city.

5 year ago, I wrote a post about a 10 year plan.

I will say, it’s on track / advanced a bit. I said to wait 10 years before buying boat. I did it in 5. My debts have skyrocketed, but that’s actually a good thing. My debts now are $2.9Million.

We’re def MUCH farther now to universal healthcare. That’s never gonna happen with Trump.

Anyway, the whole boat thing was a failure, never found anyone to do shit with me. etc etc.

I’m at home now and SO READY to leave. My family is driving me insane. We went to Andy’s today to help him remodel his house and he had such a fucking attitude I had to leave. I am not going to put-up with that shit any more in my fucking life.

I found my first BF on grindr here… Awk.

Anyway, I’m out. I got more to say, but not in the mood to write.