Bear Valley Weekend

Spent last weekend in Bear Valley doing winter fun stuff. It was a great time with the group. Kellie, Owen, Jhunrie, Jonathan and Shaun. We went snowmobiling, hiked in the snow. Had a great time overall. Things with Kellie were great the whole weekend and everyone really liked him. It really made me like him a lot more over the weekend.

Owen really pissed me off over the weekend though. He’s just so self centered and everything has to be his way. Saturday was Chinese new year and Jonathan had specifically asked if we could go to Chinese food that day. I found a Chinese place in Arnold which had 4.2 stars. But Owen was all “oh this place is going to be gross, blah blah blah” and he made us all go do this stupid Mexican place where the food was bland and dry.

Also, I personally spent probably $300 on food over the weekend for the group, but not one person offered to chip in or asked to help out with that.

The day before we left. Charles texted me and sent two songs that he said “were making him emotional” lately. And then also sent this big long text about how he misses me every day, wishes that things had worked out between us but this isn’t a “reconciliation” attempt. We agreed to talk about it in person.

So yesterday we met up for tennis and lunch. It ended up we hung out from 11:45am until almost 5pm. Just talking about every thing. It of Course brought back a lot of emotions and thoughts. I can’t even really elaborate on everything we talked about. It was all over the place, from his current two boys, to Alex coming to Austin with him, to jay & James, to his birthday to us and our relationship, to kellie.

He was telling me all about this don guy, the way he described him, it was almost identical to me. And I even said to Charles, “Sounds just like me” and he said “yeah, that’s why I said I would marry you”. This don guy has a MAJOR red flag though. He’s in a relationship.

I just still question, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED that it ended. He says it’s because of the way that I “approach” things. I call BS on that. I mean yeah, I could approach things differently but he also is to blame in the way he talks to me about things. Or lack of talks to me about things.

There were three times where he cried. I hugged him and held his hand once. When we said goodbye, he cried again. I kissed him on the forehead and he ALMOST kissed me on the lips but stopped himself.

He had plans to meet Don for a workout and he was late. Don was of course pissed that he was hanging out with me/late. But Charles said he “found him and convinced him to go to dinner”.

I dunno. It just pisses me off seeing him flirt with these guys, lead them on, It upsets me to see him happy with these guys. It just makes me question, why didn’t we flirt like that. It comes back to what I talked about over thanksgiving that one year with catching him flirt with Alex. How come WE never had that flirtations, I felt like he was never that invested in US. But yet, he seems to ACT like he was.

I just don’t know how to express what I’m feeling about him, TBH. KELLIE is great, he’s a breathe of fresh air compared to Charles. I don’t have to beg him for the basics. But yet, I’m still so hooked up on Charles. So miss him, so want him to be part of my life. Want him to be back with ME and for him to do those THINGS with me.

Thinking about him having sex with other people pisses me off. Thinking about him working out with other guys. Seeing that he’s taking those secret dinner pictures of other guys. It just all hurts. Seeing him do those “us” things with someone else.

That song, “I wish all your ex’s were dead” came on the radio on the way home from seeing him. I honestly sometimes with MY ex were dead. I wish I had the strength to BLOCK him out of my life. But yet, I want to hold onto him.