I do this to myself over and over again. It’s my preoccupied behavior. Now I just cannot stop focusing on him, stalking him on instagram (the only place I have) going over in my mind time and again why did this happen, why am I being rejected. What’s wrong with me.
I need to re-read Attached. I need to start applying some of those ideas to myself and focusing on changing these things.
I keep wishing he would text me and say he missed me again, say sorry. But he won’t. He’s at home, living his life. Probably not even thinking about me at all.
My friends and even one person I’ve never met have been insanely supportive during this time and I feel bad for unloading on them. I should be able to handle this myself. I need to be tougher as Army said in his texts yesterday. I get “butt hurt” too easily.
I need to LEARN to separate my feelings from friends. I need to learn how to be able to have friends who I used to care for. Even Calvin, when I talk to him currently I still get super annoyed and sad. I miss him so much still. Will I ever fully get over him? I mean even going back in time, my first BF Adam. I still think about him sometimes. This isn’t normal, is it?
To be so focused on the past, wishing things had changed or been different. Wanting to get back there. Fix what I did wrong. Never break up with Calvin, never get HIV, never give up climbing with my friends.
Maybe back in 2008, I should have taken Jason up on his request to date. Maybe we would have been partners, husbands? I mean we’re still great friends all these years later, we tell each other everything, we talk daily, say goodnight, say good morning.. I’ve just never been ROMANTICALLY interested in him. We’re just friends.
I build these hard walls, you’re either friends, lovers or nothing.
How the fuck am I going to survive Vietnam with him. How the FUCK am I going to put on a happy face, smile and enjoy this trip. How the FUCK am I going to live with him all summer. Is he going to go on dates while he’s here? What if HE finds a bf here. Could you imagine… what the fuck.