Charles, Irish, Kellie.

Warning, this will be a long post. The past week has been a whirlwind of emotions and shit.

Last Wed or Thursday I posted a story about this stalker that I have. Charles replied and we started talking. It was a pretty good talk, TBH. We were just chatting about my life, the stalker. I told him about the troubles with my tennis buddy and how I need a new one. He then said “I guess since you’re telling me about your life I should tell you about mine”.

I was excited but also nervous. I was hoping he’d just tell me about the issues with Serge, or something about Eric or his family. But instead he choose to tell me about the two guys he’s been seeing and how they want more then he wants right now and blah blah blah. Honestly the worst possible thing for him to tell me about.

I’d been purposely avoiding telling him about guys I’m dating, out of respect for his feelings. But he choose to go there. Whatever. It really annoyed me. I mean fine that he’s seeing guys but why tell me about them like that right now. He still knows how I feel about him.

Then the next day, I posted the song by JP Saxe – The Good Parts. He replied with a crying emoji and then we started talking about things. He said “did you listen to the first verse” then sent me the lyrics.

The way you turned to me in bed
And the way you said, “Can I have my spot?”
Put your head against my chest, asked me to rub your neck
Put on British Bake Show or some other stupid show we’d watch

He said that part makes laugh and cry at the same time because it’s so perfect for us. The whole song is perfect for us. We talked a lot about random stuff that morning. It was a really good chat TBH. Made me feel good that maybe we were making progress to being friends and being able to be open and honest. Those last 24 hours he was so open, so willing to chat. He was the Charles I loved for those moments.

So I invited him to lunch with Jay & James and I on Saturday. He said “maybe”. Which is fine. I honestly didn’t expect him to ever show up.

Friday night I went out (more on that later) and didn’t get home until 4am. I texted Charles around 3am asking if he was going to come or not and he replied “I’m a hard maybe”. I asked WTF are you doing up this late and he said he was out with Serge’s roommates. I assumed that was a def no, based on the fact he was out that late.

Saturday I got up and went to the city. On my way there he texted asking If we were still doing lunch. I told him we were and he said “I can’t make it on time”. I told him that’s fine we were hanging out for the day after, it’s up to him if he wants to join.

So he joined us after lunch and we were all just walking around, went to a bar, went to the gingerbread houses. He was clearly hung the fuck over. I was hung the fuck over. We were both miserable but for me, I didn’t want it to end.

Why did he decide to join? What was the point of him coming?

As we were walking around we passed a bunch of stuff he and I had done together as a couple. He pointed those things out. “Remember when we went to a concert there”; “Oh that’s the place we went to that comedy show”. Why go out of your way to point those items out.

He told us how Eric is hanging out with serge randomly. I got upset because in 2 fucking years Eric couldn’t even be NICE to me but now Eric is so chill and fun that he’s hanging with serge? WTF. Charles said “get over it, it doesn’t matter now”

At one point, he was telling James: “we should make a 4 day weekend and go to the snow sometime”. This is something I had PLANNED for us to do. But he said “I don’t like the cold/snow” so we didn’t go.

He told me how he went to a concert in the city, I asked who and he said it was some artist he didn’t really know. You know how many concerts I suggested of artist he DID know and he said ‘No, I don’t like them enough to go see them in person.”

He told us how Friday night he went skinny dipping with his roommate and his boy and other people. I couldn’t even get him to skinny dip with JUST ME at my parents private pool.

It hurts me he’s doing these things, things that _I_ wanted and tried to do with him. And he’s doing them with these random people. He refused to do them with the person he said he loved. But it’s ok to do them with these randoms.

The whole time, he was also busy just texting people back and forth. Serge, Eric, I assume his two boys. Who knows who else.

But honestly, for the most part it as nice. I thought we were having a good time even though both of us were crazy hung over.

Then, it all crashed and burned. The four of us were sitting at dinner together and Charles blatantly opens grindr right in front of me. How fucking rude.

After dinner we all decide to go home. I had taken BART to the city, Charles had driven. If it had been Eric, serge, one of his boys, anyone else. He would have offered them a ride. But to me, he just said goodnight. And off I went. You know how many times we went hella out of our way to drop Eric off somewhere or pick Eric up. But he can’t have the respect or caring for me to do the same?

So I texted him “No offer for a ride”;
Him: “You could have asked”
Me: “I didn’t want to invite myself”
Him: “Wouldn’t hurt to ask”

I guess he was right, I could have asked. Maybe we could have had a nice ride home together. But then he said: “You’re upset I know. But we’re friend level now and there’s only so much interaction I can take right now. I was nervous you were gonna bring boys you were going on dates with. But I would have been ok with it and trust that you will find your happy”

I replied: “I found my happy…. I wouldn’t do that to you. And you getting on Grindr in front of me was a huge slap in the face. I’ve wanted you to meet Matt for a long time. It sucks it happens now. But I’m glad you got to meet him”

He replied: “Sorry but that’s just something you have to get used to being a friend”

I replied: “It’s too soon charles. And you should know that ”

He replied: “You’re dating!! That’s soon”

I replied: “I gotta try and move on. I dunno what else to do to move on from you. I’m tired of crying every night over you. I’m tired of having a random song come on and crying.

I want to be over you. It hurts me to hear you wanting to go do shit that I wanted to do with you. Things I had planners that we never got to do.

I’m trying to do it politely to you. Im trying to gently talk about those things. But not be right in your face with it.

If we want to make friends work. I think we have to be respectful of each other. Talk about things but be understanding of our feelings.”

And that was the end of it. No reply back from him. It’s been four days and not a word..

I texted Jay and James, I asked James if this was sustainable and he basically replied with “No, but you need to sleep on it” .

I slept on it, well barely. I was awake most of the night.

I decided, it’s clear he doesn’t respect me. He hasn’t in a long time. He doesn’t truly care about me as a person, about my feelings. Him opening grindr right in front of me. Him never defending me against Eric. Him not offering me a ride home. Him just ignoring my texts. It’s just time after time after time he direspects me. Doesn’t care about me. Only cares about HIMSELF.

The whole grindr thing. Instead of saying “I’m sorry” PERIOD or “I’m sorry, I should have thought about your feelings” he just says “Sorry, get over it”

I made the hard decision to block him on instagram. I left the line of communication open via iMessage. He can message or call me if he wants to talk. But I can’t keep seeing his face popup on all my stories. When he posts a story, I can’t have my heart skip a beat wondering what it is.

I told James, if he contacts you asking about it. Just tell him that I am open to discussing it with him. But it’s been four days. James said he still hasn’t said anything to him. He hasn’t said anything to me.

On Sunday night, I found out something else that confirmed my decision to block him. I was talking to this Kellie (again, more on him later) and come to find out he and Eric went on a few dates. During those dates apparently Eric spent enough time talking about Charles and his “Toxic bf” that It stuck. Kellie said “It was clear Eric was in love with Charles”. And the fact that again in two fucking years, Charles could never stand up to Eric and say, “Look this is the guy I love, I choose to be with. You don’t have to like him but you need to be polite to him, to respect him and my decision to be with him”. Instead Eric is out there telling random ass boys about how “toxic” I am apparently.

ANYWAY… Let’s switch topics. Irish.. I know I wrote a goodbye to him, but I should probably give a bit more of an update. Basically we hung out every moment we could over the past three weeks. He would come over for coffee, go to the gym, he would sneak out of his house late at night just to come see me for an hour or two and hang out. On Friday night we went out to the city and had a FUN ass time. We just danced, talked, etc. at one of the bars these two other filipinos came up and started talking to us. Kellie and Ace. I ended up making out with Kellie and then the four of us went to breakfast at 3am. I didn’t get home until 4am.

Saturday while I was out with everyone in the city, Irish texted me and said he probably wouldn’t get to see me again before he left. That made me really sad. But in the end we found time to hang out Sunday and Monday before he left. IT’s been amazing. even little tiny things make me so happy after Charles. IE I texted Irish “have a good day” and he replied “Thanks. You too”. When I would text that to Charles he would just say “thanks”. That extra little “You too” is such a huge thing to me.

Irish texts me in the morning, calls me randomly just to talk. But there’s things there that would never work. He’s just coming out, just figuring himself out. He needs time to write his own story, to explore life, to fuck boys, to date other guys. I don’t want to be his first everything.

He came over Sunday and we were just cuddling on the couch, talking about what is love and his love life past. He told me about this girl that broke his heart. I asked if there was anyone else and he hinted yes. Basically saying it was me.

Monday we had little impromptu going away at my house with Ace, Hugo, Andrew and myself.. Irish stayed for a bit after everyone left and we had a nice last cuddle, make out session, talk about life.

He’s back home now. I miss him. He texted me yesterday “Goodnight, Love you”. And that broke my heart. I care about him a lot already, do I love him, I dunno yet. He’s a great guy. I enjoyed our time but to me it was just a vacation romance. I cannot be a bf to him. He has too much story of his own to write, too much of his own life to live. If we were to date, he would break my heart in the future when he realizes what he missed out on by not living his life now.

And then… Kellie, as I mentioned, I met Kellie at the bar on Friday night and we made out. Sunday he and I spent an hour on the phone talking about random stuff. Tuesday we had a date and it was great. We went to San Jose, walked around down town. Holding hands, arms linked. Unlike with Francis though holding hands with Kellie felt natural. Last night we talked on the phone again for an hour and a half.

Obviously this is still VERY VERY early. There’s still a lot to figure out about him (IE, is he top or bottom). But I’m currently excited to see where this goes.

I am loved and wanted, it’s amazing how now I have boys wanting me. What’s changed over the past two years while I was with Charles? Before I was always chasing boys. Now boys are chasing me, boys are falling in love with me. Maybe my therapy is working. I’m being more open and honest with people. We shall see what the future brings. Hopefully 2024 will be amazing for me.

And sorry for the fucking LONG ASS POST. I told you the last few days have been insane.