And end, again.

Is this finally the end? We keep ending it then getting back together. I posted on Wed because things were pretty shitty, he had been coming home from work and just sitting at the counter ignoring me, not talking about things.

Thursday it kind of came to a head again. He got home and just wasn’t really talking to me, we went to the gym and I saw that he was texting James back and forth but he wasn’t asking me about my day, wasn’t talking to me at all. On the way back from the gym there was this biking event going on in our little courtyard. He said something like “I wonder what’s going on”.

I replied: “oh they’ve been doing this every Thursday all summer, they meet here and then ride around. some of the bikes are pretty cool. We should try to join sometime.” Silence. Then I said something else about how it was crazy windy and I hoped it wasn’t super bad for our sunday sail… Silence.

Then I said to him. “Why do I even bother trying to talk to you, you just ignore me”.. Silence.

And from there, the argument started. We got back to our apartment and we were actually having a nice conversation about the problem. I thought we were really making progress. We talked about how we were supposed to be having weekly checkin’s and how we hadn’t been doing that. He said “we’ll just have to make sure that we get them done”.

Then Eric came up again, he had wanted to hang out with Eric on Saturday. He brought it up a few days before and my reply was “Just the two of you?” I was just asking but apparently he took it as a terse “JUST the TWO of you?”

Ok, so yes, I don’t like them just hanging out the two of them. Eric doesn’t like me and I feel like Eric puts things into Charle’s head against me. Do I Like that he’s going to go out on a Saturday night with him when he could be spending the evening with me? No. But you know, I was just asking to start the conversation, “just the two of you?” or all three of us? I just wanted to know.

Do I want to be spending Saturday night with my boyfriend? Yes. But can I compromise with him and work something out so that he can go hang out with Eric and we can also do something Saturday night, maybe.

Anyway, he said that my expectation in a relationship are ridiculous. He said that I’m controlling, he said that I’m a liar. My expectations are the same as I posted here over a year ago (A breakup letter – June 22, 2022).

After he said that my exceptions are ridiculous, I said “turn the light off and let’s go to sleep”. I wanted time to calm down and for him to calm down, for both of us to think about what was happening because I saw the same pattern was starting to repeat.

I did stuff Friday, I went to Dolores park and hung out for the evening. He got home from work and slept on the couch. He worked Saturday. When he came home we sat in the house and talked. He said “Why don’t you start” and I said “No, I want you to start, I feel like it’s always me telling you my emotions and what I want.. I want to hear honestly from YOU what you want”. He said something like: ” I think it’s just not working. blah blah blah”.

I was on the same page, I agree it’s not working. Going back and reading some of my old posts. It wasn’t working. There’s just basic emotional support that’s not there. There’s basic relationship communication that’s not there. I had posted on reddit, nearly every reply was “Why the fuck are you with this guy”. Here’s one of the ones that really hit home:

Dude. Looking through your post history….like are you sure you should be together?
It seems your relationship started with him dating someone else to see if they were compatible and then when it didn’t work out, he came back to you. Then, you have problems with asking him to be responsible for his own mess. Then, the tennis problem of him not inviting you. Then, forgetting about your birthday. Then, leaving you home for his own birthday party after your grandma died. Now! He doesn’t even want or care about how the things you want out of a relationship are important to you.
It really seems like you are wanting something different and you’re just with him bc it’s convenient. What you want out of a relationship is important and if you’re with someone who doesn’t understand that well: 1) they’re a narcissist 2) they don’t want the same type of relationship you do 3) they don’t love you enough to respect your wants and needs.
If someone can’t even be bothered to listen to your day…then that speaks for itself. I understand that people decompress differently and his needs are just as important as yours but it’s fairly obvious from your post history that your relationship feels heavily one sided. Sometimes love isn’t enough to keep a relationship going.

But I fear. I fear this is a repeat of Calvin. Calvin and I were having problems, we were having issues, we just didn’t communicate through them. We broke up and 6 years later I still regret it. I still love Calvin and wished we had just tried harder to work through the problems. Calvin says “But it ended up being for the best”. I told him, “the best for you.” Cause he’s still with the guy he started dating right after we broke up. I told Charles last night, “if it give you solace, know that the next guy you date will probably be the long lasting one” 🙁

It’s both the right decision and the wrong one at the same time. Charles and I both said so.

Sunday we all went sailing. IT was a great beautiful day of sailing. Charles was chatty and friendly with everyone. I watched him and just felt sadness and empty all day. We went out to Sausalito for dinner that night. He kept putting his arm through mine and trying to hold hands, just drunk and use to doing that. That night we were sitting on the couch, both exhausted. I went over and cuddled up with him and said “Remember when we first started dating and you would call me on your way home from work just to talk. That was one of the things that really made me fall in love with you. That’s what I’ve been asking for for months.. Just a boyfriend who wants to talk to me, who wants to share his life and day”. I got up and went to bed.

Yesterday was the best day of our relationship in months. He made me coffee, he responded to texts, when he got home and all night long he was chatty and we had rapport… We drove to the gym and both ended up crying in the car and he shared his feelings (although I had to push him a little bit)

it just sucks it took our relationship ending to get to that.

Charles said he’s overwhelmed, he can’t handle the stress of Work, applying to schools and a boyfriend.

I hope, really I do, that we can be friends. That we can stay close and hang out. I hope that we can get through this and he and I both can grow and learn from this experience.

I love you Charles.