Why do I always feel so lost, like I don’t know what I want, what I love, what I am doing with life.
How do people find things that they “love” doing. I have tried and done so many things, hiking, camping, rock climbing, cycling, scuba, sailing, woodworking, construction, gardening, vintage cars… But I don’t “love” any of them. I don’t CRAVE to do them. I don’t come home and say “omg, I can’t wait to go biking”. I go biking cause I have nothing else to do and it fills time and helps keep me healthy. When I was doing woodworking, I didn’t CRAVE to go do it. I went to do it cause I just wanted to get the project done.
Etc etc. The same shit over and over. I apply the same to my relationship. I enjoy my time with Charles, but do I love him? Do I want to spend my entire life with him? Probably not.
What the hell do I love, what the hell do I WANT to do in my life to make it feel rewarding and exciting.
I bought a ’71 Torino years ago, probably cause I was lonely and bored and wanted something to fill my time. I’m looking at a Sailboat now. Am I just going to do the same thing, spent a ton of money on it and then regret having it. I just dunno. Like I enjoy sailing, I think? But is it something that I want to do enough that I want to have my own boat.
And that’s the thing too, do I actually ENJOY sailing enough to want to do it that much?
What the hell do I LOVE to do that I can spend more time doing it. Charles LOVES tennis. I feel I don’t LOVE anything.
What do I want out of life? What makes me happy and makes me want to get up in the morning and enjoy my day. I have no clue. I’m 41 years old and have no clue what I want to do to make me happy.
The other thing that’s frustrating me is these damn apartments. I was expecting to be flush with cash and it just seems like no matter what we do, I’m just spending and spending and spending. In the past month I’ve had to invest $40k into them because the previous PM just put these trash druggie tenants in who completely TRASHED the apartments. I’ve had to remodel 4 apartments. One guy fucking DREW a dart board on the wall and threw darts at it. He also knocked all the drywall out of the wall between the bedroom and the living room. Like WHO THE FUCK does this shit. It’s just really getting me down. I should be seeing my savings grow, not collapse.
And then the relationship. I enjoy our time but shit just pisses me the fuck off. TODAY is a perfect example of the kind of crap that I cannot deal with. He had today off, I had to go to work. I asked him before I left for work today to go get groceries. I get home from work and he said he “FORGOT” to go get them. Instead he spent his afternoon at the tennis court hitting balls. I get home at 3:30 and he says that his friend wants to play tennis. I ask him how long he will be and he says “one hour” and he would get groceries after. It’s now been NEARLY THREE HOURS and he’s still playing tennis. So by the time he gets home from playing tennis and getting groceries it’s going to be fucking 8:30 or 9pm. I’m so fucking pissed about this right now.