It’s been a while since I last wrote a personal blog entry….
I’m not even really sure where to start…. I’ve been working like crazy, life has been insanely boring. Calvin and I are still together. I basically have no friends.
I spent the first half of this year constantly on the road, Miami, Portland, Pasco, all over the place. Calvin got into Saskatoon, the last of his choices, the worst possible place for me. -40F in the winter. Snow 8 months of the year. Small ass town.
I flew there in “spring” to visit him. It was still cold, gross little city. Dirt everywhere, the roads were so bad you had no idea where the lines were. He claims it’s beautiful right now, but how long can that last before it’s cold and snowy and gross again. I’m not sure what to do with this whole situation, I keep swinging wildly between moving there and just staying here in LA.
I basically have no friends left anymore. No one contacts me for anything. I’ve been getting depressed and more depressed lately because of this. Brian and Hut are going out all the time on the weekends with andrew. Hut is going to Palm Spring and Vegas all the time with Andrew. Brian has David, Hut has Andrew. Jason moved in with Chicken. Syliva has her boyfriend. Everyone is basically partnered up now but me, only because my bf lives 2000 miles away.
I can’t believe that Hut is back with Andrew either, he’s fucking moving in with him at the end of this month. After what he’s done to him, how can he ever fucking do that. And to make it worse both him and brian keep pushing me to hang out with Andrew. Hell fucking no.
Hut has been going on all these trips with Dan, not inviting me. I thought he and i were close. But apparently not.
The last straw was finding out that Claudia moved back to LA. Someone I thought was one of my best friends, moves back to the city and never even bothers to contact me or even let me know. WTf.
I’ve had it with all this shit. I’m tired of watching facebook and seeing all these people go out and doing shit and not inviting me. Rex asked me to dinner the other day. I said “When and where” and he replied “Too many questions”. WTF. I have to fucking know WHEN AND WHERE if you want to have dinner with me.
This past weekend the movie Guardians of the Galaxy came out. Hut saw it with Andrew. Brian saw it with David. Brian texted me the next day and said “I considered inviting you but decided you wouldn’t drive that far”. WTF?! He’s always “considering” me, but never actually inviting me.
I sort of want a dog to fill this hole. Something that I have to come home to, take care of, something that will give me attention no matter what. Maybe a bad reason to get one. But I’m so lonely right now
As far as calvin goes. I have no idea what to do with him. Like I said, I swing wildly between wanting to move there and wanting to break up. I go from “let’s get married when I come” to “let’s break up when I come”. I just don’t know what to do. So many factors, so many things to take into account. What to do with my house, my stuff, my life (or lack thereof).
I just don’t know and I’m really depressed. I’ve gained like 30 pounds, I’m not sleeping, I just don’t know.