My Life

Do I Ask To Much?

Do I? I mean would it be to much to call me and say, “Hey, I’m not going to be around tonight.” Is it to much to do, so that I don’t spend my night worring where he’s at, worrying about what’s going on, why’s he not talked to me today? Am I asking to much….

Last time he got a Friday out of school, he went out and got high. So this time, when he didn’t call, didn’t show up to talk, I worried, is that where he’s at now. Is he getting high again. I worried.

It’s not that I don’t want him to go out during the week. It’s not that I’m being controlling and saying that he has to be online every five minutes. It’s really for my own sanity, because I do love him so much that I worry, if he’s not online and I don’t know that he’s out, in my mind that means bad things. For example on Tuesday, we talked for a while, from about 5-5:30. I had to leave to go back to the dorms, so I told him. “I’ll be back on in like 30 minutes.” Never once did he say that he would be leaving to go to a meeting, never once. So I get back to the dorm, expecting for him to be on, so that we can continue our converstaion where we left off. But when I got back and looked, he wasn’t on… I restart Aim, to make sure it haden’t frozen. But he still wasn’t on… I waited, and I waited, 7:30, he still wasn’t around, 8:30, he still wasn’t around, finally about 10:30 he got back on, and said that he had his Bonsia meeting. “In case you were wondering.” Yes I was wondering, no, scratch that I wasn’t just wondering, I was worrying. Worrying why he wasn’t there to talk to, had I said something to make him mad, had he gotten in trouble. I didn’t know…

So on Thursday, when he didn’t show up, I worried. I worried about where he was, what had happened, why wasn’t he on. As the night grew on my anxiety grew. Where was he, was he out getting high, or…I dunno. I wondered, I worried. I tried calling, calling his cell phone, then I remember he had lost it, so that wouldn’t help. Tried calling his house, no one answered. What was I to do. I sat in front of my computer, staring at a blank screen for hours, wishing, hoping that the next person to get online would be him, wishing that that box that said “Adam’s Online” would pop to the front. But I was left, wondering, worrying. Wishing that he would call to tell me that he’s going to be out, telling me that he loves me. Message me or something. As the night grew older, my anxiety turned to anger, why can’t he tell me if he’s going to be gone, so that I don’t worry. This isn’t the first time, I don’t care where he is… Well I do, but. I just want to know that he’s alright. Really that’s all I want….

Is this to much to ask?

One reply on “Do I Ask To Much?”

Conversation started on Thu Feb 21 23:47:38 2002

23:47:38 Adam – Sluk: Fuck off?!?!? That makes me feel good. I was at GSA till five then went to Andis to see her mom. She was in a car accident this morning that was part of a multi car pile up. I talked to her for a while and helped her with bonsai problems then picked up Nelline and Leah to go downtown when Leah freaked out and wanted to be taken home. I was home hardly at all and I don’t know where my cell phone is. I hardly find it nessisary to get mad at my for not calling or IMing you one afternoon, and to tell me to fuck off…that hurt. Thanks for a great end to a great evening.

23:59:00 Adam – Sluk: I want to tell you I feel really hurt by what I read on your site. I wasn’t home the whole night and you know the first thing I do when I get home is get online to talk to you. I talk to whenever I can and this is the first time I’ve been online all day. I figured there was a slim chance you’d be on, but your not. I wasn’t at home to use my phone and since I don’t have my cell phone, I couldn’t call you, and I wouldn’t have been able to get your number without it anyway. I absolutely abhor you being angry with me, let alone saying such things. I feel so horrible right now because the last thing I EVER want to do is hurt you, you know that, and what you said makes me feel like I’ve completly destroyed you. I’m sitting here in tears and can’t do anything. Please call me tomorrow. I’m sorry. Love Adam

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