Fuck this country. Voted for fucking TRUMP again. I cannot believe this. I was hoping to be posting an exciting post bout how Kamala won and we’re all excited for the future. But now I’m just going to spend the next 4 years stressed out.
I’m pissed at Biden/Garland for failing to prosecute Trump when they could. That fat fuck should be in Jail right now for all the shit he’s done.
I just cannot fathom how anyone can be supportive of these people.
Sailing life has been hard… I’m missing home. I’m missing going out with friends. I’m missing Charles.
He and I talked the other day and he’s off dating someone new again. He says he thinks he’s ready now. This guy is POZ and he was telling me about how his viral load spiked recently. In the three years we were together, do you think he ever asked me about my viral load or we discussed my doctor appts. But here he is apparently learnt his lesson.
I’m tired of being a lesson for these guys. I want a guy who’s going to grow together with me. Not grow FROM me.
But I question maybe I am too much of the problem. Charles said once in anger that I am the one who always “started” the fights. Probably true, they started because I pushed for what I wanted out of him. But maybe I just need to work on accepting him/them for themselves.
Same with Kellie. The whole notes thing, his new job, etc. Maybe I pushed him too much and should have just accepted him doing notes all the time. Maybe I should have just accepted him not being out.
But those are things (same with Charles and working at Chipotle)… I don’t want a husband/bf who’s CONSTANTLy tied to his job. Who can’t spend quality time with me at home…
Speaking of. It’s very frustrating also hearing about Charles traveling so much now that he is not managing at work and he’s in school… I wish he had got into school then first go around. Maybe that would have changed things and made it better. Who knows. His work and constantly inability to go anywhere was another huge problem in our relationships.
Anyway, sailing life. It’s tough. I am scared of being lonely all the time. I am scared of missing out on things back home. I am sad that I can’t just go to powerhouse whenever I want. I am sad that I cannot just go get Thai food or whatever anywhere. I am sad that I can’t just hang out with friends randomly.
I feel like I am already missing out on so much and is this worth it. Is this journey worth missing those other things. This is goin to be an amazing experience. (I hope) this is going to teach me so much. This is going to increase my confidence (I HOPE)!
I have this guy Kyle sailing with me right now and he was telling me about this friend he had that did the same thing. He only lasted 5 months alone in the bahamas. I hope I can last longer.
I wish I had someone that loved me here. But it is what it is. I have astra.
Good luck to me, good luck to America.