Leaving SF
It feels like this is the door closing I need… My time in SF is done and this city is not welcoming for me. It doesn’t bring joy and it doesn’t bring me the peace I need.
It’s sad because I have some amazing fiends here, I’ll miss them and hopefully stay in touch with them. But it also just goes to show me again who flaky/fake people are. Some people that I really considered friends or thought would be interested in talking and hearing about my trip / how I am didn’t even bother.
Others I was surprised by and what’s weird is that the majority of the people who seemed to care, are the ones I met through Charles. I’ll appreciate them forever and I hope that we continue to stay in touch.
Charles did eventually reach out. He needed a last min patient to do a screening on. I of course jumped at the chance to help him. But in the end he showed his true color and it’s really hard for me to accept that. Even after all this time he still doesn’t care enough to even ask how the trip was. Doesn’t care enough to say “how are you”. Never asked to hang out one on one. I still put so much effort into him, only to get nothing back. And honestly it ruined the rest of the week I was here. It put me in a funk that I couldn’t shake.
I reached out to Kellie as well and he wasn’t interested in hanging out either.
I dunno, maybe I am a shitty person? I still care about them both so much and yet I get nothing out of either of them. Maybe it’s me, maybe it’s them. I don’t know. Or do I just care TOO much. I fucking love them both and I want to be part of their lives, I want them to be part of my life. I want them to SHOW AN INTEREST. I hate that he’s out making a life with someone else, and I’m still just spinning my wheels.
I want to send them both a message and just be like, “do I not matter”. I don’t get it.
I’m back to feeling so lost in life, so scared of the future, alone, afraid.
“this life is too short to lose a moment with you”
I just don’t feel ready/capable of loving as much as I loved Charles again. even with kellie I couldn’t give him everything I gave to Charles.
Where am I going next, what am I doing. Will I ever find that love, someone who can show me that they love me as much as I love them. Give me back the ability to just fucking love
I want nothing more than to just have a bf/husbnad to sit at home with, go to dinner with, cook dinner, go to the gym. Cuddle. I just want our life back, I want to be back in our apartment. I’ve said this before and I still miss it.
How do I fucking get over this, how do I move on and love again. How do I forget him. “I thought that I would be over you by now, but I guess that’s not how it works when you put somebody first”.
I went and did this amazing adventure and yet I’m still feeling like the loser here, Like the one who’s MISSING out on life.
Comment… What do I do?