My Life

A month in Iowa.

Been feeling very melancholy lately. I’ve spent the last month at home with the parents and it’s been weird/sad being back here for so long. Lots of reasons really.
First, I sort of miss this lifestyle, the quiet country, being able to just walk around anywhere and not worry about drugs or dirty streets, going out to the lake and letting the dog run every night, Not having annoying neighbors to deal with. Etc etc. It’s been very boring though TBH because of COVID and what not we haven’t gone anywhere. I saw my cousin/aunt once the whole time. Grandma came up for a week and that was nice to see her. Not going to get to see my other grandma cause yesterday was icy roads.
Second, Mom has been on this clearing out/cleaning spree while I’ve been here. She has all this stuff, family things, antiques, quilts, etc etc. And it makes me sad that we have no one to pass it down too. My brother and I have no kids, so who’s going to take all this stuff. I am taking some stuff back with me now but then like when I die, who’s going to take this! It will just be garbage to them, which is so sad. Also we took down the Christmas tree yesterday and we all agreed that it’s too big and we just wanted to get rid of it. But at the same time, we’ve had that tree almost my entire life! It’s a staple in our house and it’s sad that we won’t ever have it again. I also went through my room and tossed a bunch of pictures of old BF’s, my daily planners from High school, college paperwork, etc. Which oddly makes me sad too. Like the HS planners, why am I even keeping those!? I won’t ever look at them again.
Third, mom and Grandma are both not doing well physically. Grandma has lots of eye problems and now mom is getting hip replacement surgery. On Christmas day she was feeling bad and went to the ER room. Like WTF am I going to do when I get to that age?! Who’s going to help take care of me. Dad has been driving back and forth to get grandma for her DR appts.
And then of course the last and biggest thing, my family fucking loves Calvin and even after all these years they keep saying things like “Oh, i really hope you two get back together”; and then when I say: “well, it’s been 4 years and we haven’t seen each other once, so I highly doubt that will ever happen”; They say things like: “well, once COVID is over you two should just meet up”. Yeah, I’d love that but who knows if HE wants that. Like nearly everyone in my family keeps pushing that and as much as I’d love to meet up and see what happens, I don’t know that will ever happen. Maybe it would be good to have that meeting and see, but how do I mention it to him. Derik and I are going on that gay cruise and I told calvin: “You should book it and come” but I doubt he would/will.
In OTHER news, I am closing on my first apartment building tomorrow. Actually closing on TWO buildings at the same time. An 8-plex and a duplex! Scary/exciting at the same time. I’m sort of freaking the fuck out, TBH.
Leave here on Thursday to head back to SF. Not looking forward to the drive but honestly looking forward to being back in my own house.

My Life

“You want to go out”

Said no one ever…. I honestly don’t get it. Clearly there is something wrong with me. Every Friday night, I sit at home alone doing nothing. Just watch TV, jerk off, go to bed. No one ever calls me and says “hey, you want to go out”; “hey you want to meet up with me and my friends”. Yet, I see people all the time on instgram going out with friends, hanging out at Dolores, going to bars, going out to eat. ETc etc. I’ve never had people/friends do this.
Back when I was in LA, I would go out all the time. I would have dinner parties, I would go climbing and hiking with a group of people. But _I_ was always the one to organize it. After a while, I got tired of being the only organizer, so I sat back, slowed down organizing things. Did any of those people ever invite me out to do something? NO. They continued going out, going climbing and hiking but they just NEVER invited me.
Jason and Darin, they would go out all the time. My two “best friends” would go out. Never get invited to go out. All these guys I meet, hang out with, talk with here in SF. Not one ever invites me and says “hey, do you want to hang out with me and my friends”.
I honestly don’t get it.

In other news, I’m so fucking over this election shit. It’s been 5 days now, they are still doing 24/7 news coverage and going through scenarios. No one can seem to call it. I honestly feel at this point it’s just a ploy by the entire media system to fuck with us all and just drag this shit out. THere’s more than enough votes to call it. Nationally Biden has 4,000,000 MORE VOTES than trump. He should be the fucking PRESIDENT. I’m also REALLY disappointed that Mcconnel, Graham, Ernst all held onto their seats.
I just don’t understand how the fuck 50% of America voted for this fucking idiot. It’s entirely disappointing.

My Life

A haphazard post.

Not really sure what to write but I feel like I need a life update here… Things have been very up and down this whole COVID staying home is, as I’ve said, really wearing on me. Also I keep finding out more and more people are in relationships/married and it’s making me depressed. I keep thinking back to the last post and what could have been. Alan hasn’t replied since I left OR and I mean you know everything else.
Derik and I keep talking and he keeps telling me about these dates he’s going on but then he called me this past weekend that i need to be his “fake bf” so that this one guy will leave him alone. I don’t understand why we can’t be real bf’s? I mean, what’s wrong with me?
I have been going on a few dates here and there, socially distanced of course. I met this one guy Bryan who lives in Oakland, we went out on two dates and both times I was really struggling with keeping things moving forward and keeping things we can talk about. But each time he always says “I really enjoyed hanging out with you”.
The whole Jason thing is still annoying me too.
I’ve been matching like crazy with guys on Tinder lately and lots of CUTE guys too. But they always seem to be “too far” away or something and we never meet or we meet once and nothing, etc. I just want to feel that spark again though, like I felt with Calvin back in the day. I want to build that feeling back again but I am just wondering if I even have that left inside me. Can I even still love someone the same way again.
Work has been work, my project is finally kicking off AFTER NEARLY THREE YEARS of promising it to happen. But things move so slowly in this company that they are talking a JULY 1st go live. I feel like we can do it much faster than that because we are already pretty comfortable with NAV. I’m also really concerned if I will even have this job still in 2 or 3 more years.
At this point, I just want to SELL my house in LA, use the funds to buy 4 or 5 duplexes somewhere and that should really just set me up for life.
Derik and I booked a week long live aboard in Bora Bora for April. I’m super excited about that. I am also going to try and be more active in the “gay” outdoor groups in SF.
I have a date tonight with this guy, he seems nice and cute enough in his pics but we will see.
Election day is in 8 days… I CANNOT fucking wait for this election cycle to be over. I hope to god that come Wed morning we see the headlines; “McConnell OUT; Graham OUT; Ernst OUT; TRUMP OUT!”

Again, I feel like I don’t have much to say so this was very haphazard post.

My Life

What could have been…

Wow, so this past weekend I had to make an emergency run up to Seattle to rescue a trailer. Since Jason and I had a falling out, I wasn’t going to hang out with him so I made a last minute reach out to someone I met way back in 2009. We’ve had a few other run ins over the past years, most recently 2016 but he didn’t seem that interested in actually meeting up back then so I didn’t think he would actually meet this time.
Let me give you a little history. I went back and re-read all my posts from 09/2009-03/2010 when I could find references to him. Basically I met him on grindr while I was in Portland for a training session. We hung out and I was going to be in town for the weekend anyway, so I went to the coast and hung out with him for the weekend. Then we stayed in touch and he came down to LA three times and I went up to PDX once. Each time was great, we had lots of sex and based on my writings, we really enjoyed each other’s time.

On 09/2009 I wrote:
Alan’s a good guy, he seems to have his shit together, got a business he’s working on, cute, funny. Why do good guys never live close to me? Ugh.
On 10/2009 I wrote:
Alan… Def falling for him, wish he lived closer. Great guy, great career goals, etc. Needs to stop smoking!
On 12/2009 I wrote:
In GOOD news. I am very very excited for Alan to come down next week. I am so falling for that boy! It makes me sad every time I am reminded that he doesn’t live anywhere close to me! 🙁
On 3/2010 I wrote:
Also, Alan is totally not having anything any more. I’m very sad. I told him I’d be in Washington and he’s basically making NO effort to come see me. It’s only like a 2 hour drive from him. Ugh.

Not really sure TBH what happened in there. In 12/2009 I got dumped a HUGE project in my lap and that really took a lot of my time/life. Maybe I ignored him or didn’t give him enough attention? I’m not really sure, I always just felt that the distance wasn’t working for either of us. At the time neither of us had money or the ability to really travel a lot to see each other.
We re-connected again in 2016. It was right after Calvin and I had broken up, I was living in Kennewick and happened to be in Portland for the weekend visiting Jason. I saw Alan on Grindr, we chatted but he was with people. He said I should visit him in Astoria, but for some reason I never took him up on that. We didn’t talk again until 2018 when I wished him a happy birthday. We exchanged the typical “hope you’re doing well” but he never replied to a question I posed to him about his wellness.

So that sort of gives you the entire back story of the two of us. This past week I messaged him out of the blue on Instagram and he agreed to meet up. I told him I would confirm once I got closer so on Friday night I messaged him that I was just across the boarder in WA and we could meet for breakfast and then I would head out. To be honest, I was expecting it to be SUPER awkward but it was like old times, we met up and he showed me his office and his apartment. Although this time we sadly skipped the fucking on his desk. We went off to breakfast and had a great chat during that and then we went back to his place and then took a 3hr walk, chatted the whole time, had Ice Cream and personally I really enjoyed the time together. Just as I wrote back in 2009, “he seems to have his shit together, got a business he’s working on, cute, funny,” and he doesn’t smoke any more!
He had a birthday party to go to at 2pm and I needed to get back on the road so around 1pm we said our goodbyes and I left. I was honestly sad to leave him even though we had only been hanging out for a few hours. I Drove a ways down the coast and stopped on the beach, I was walking there and playing with astra and Texted him: “You should have just packed a bag and come with me” he replied: “I know right! It was good to see you. I’m glad you were able to stop in. Drive safe!”
Reading that now, it seems really cold… And since then, I’ve texted him a few times and he’s giving me the 24hr rule. He only replies the next day and every reply has been super short.
He has just recently bought an airstream camper. I text him when I got home that we made it safe and it was good to see him. I also said for him to come down to CA, we can do a 2-week road trip and I’ll show you all my favorite places to go. He replied “Very nice. Glad you two made it home safe. It was really nice to catch up, I’m looking forward to heading down that way at some point.”
Just think, what could have been. What if back in 2010 we had been able to work it out, make it through the distance then. We could have been married by now, living together, doing whatever. Maybe I wouldn’t be HIV+. Maybe we’d have kids by now. Maybe we’d be living the life I dream of.
Between him and Calvin, I feel the best two people I’ve ever met have been lost from my life. He was only in my life for such a short time period back then but I feel/felt really close to him, like we’d be a good match.
I also feel that EVEN if we had made it work, I would have been a horrible BF, I would have done the same bad things to him that I did to Calvin. It honestly wasn’t until after Calvin that I’ve learned to be a good BF, not that I’ve had a BF since Calving but I feel that I would treat them 100% differently. I wish I had learned those lessons earlier in life.
Maybe things would be so different.

My Life

Betrayed again.

The long running saga of me and Jason hits another betrayal. I won’t get super into the history but we’ve been “best friends” for 15 years and I’ve never felt totally included in his life. He always hides major things, lies to me constantly and we’ve had 2 previous falling outs over his lies.
Honestly, I’m not even sure when we started talking again most recently maybe 6-9 months ago. He came back to me after our last falling out and said he’s changed and blah blah blah.
So over the past months we’ve fallen back into our old habits, chatting every day all day long, talking about stuff, we’ve hung out a couple times and things seemed to be great. I thought we were really getting along much better then previously and things really had changed.
Then this past weekend happened. One of my rental trailers is stuck in Seattle. I need to go up there to rescue it, so I called him up and said “How about I come stay with you in PDX for the weekend and we can just run over there and grab the trailer.” When I called him he was very iffy about the whole thing I even said on the phone “I thought you’d be more excited about it”. Well later that day he texts me a picture of a cat and he said: “I had to ask my roommate”. Now, Jason HATES animals. He’s always hated them, he’s too much of a neat freak, so I thought. WOW He really has changed if he got a cat! So we start planning out the weekend and talking about the things we would do while I’m up there. Then yesterday he says to me: “Apple has me stressing about what will happen when kitty and puppy meet”; I said something about “Oh, so what’s up with Apple” and he said something about “many roommates, me, kitty, apple, you, puppy hair”. So WTF he’s living with APPLE this whole time and never once mentioned this? So he’s been hiding the fact that him and apple live together?

I’m struggling Chris. Honestly.
Like I don’t know what I want in life and I don’t know what’s up with you. And just everything.
Like I thought maybe if we duck out for the weekend when we go get trailer we can talk more.
If you want me to say what I was thinking I will.
I trust you and try and be open with you but at the same time you kind of make it difficult for me too
I know you trust me and can be open. But I’ve never been able to trust anyone. And it’s just so hard for me.
Like what am I scared of. And I’ve known you for 15 years!!!!!
I just always fear rejection I think and sometimes you’re kind of mean to me. So I recoil a bit. I don’t think it’s purposeful on your part.
And I guess I just never know with you. And I know that’s a super unhelpful and general statement. And that’s where some of my shyness / apprehension / really letting me kind of be more open. Like some parts of our relationship are good and others not always. Some of it is your communication or lack also.

So seriously. Like WTF does any of this have to do with him hiding the fact that he and Apple are living together. And are the living together as BF’s?! And then trying to blame it on me? THat’s where things really went down hill. We got into a huge fight about everything and now I’m just over it.

We’ve been friends for 15 years, I literally tell him EVERYTHING and yet he says he’s “shy” towards me?! That he can’t even BOTHER to mention in MONTHS that he’s living with some guy? He’s never treated me like he truly cares.

At one point he said something about “I never know where we stand.” And I said, “We’re friends, we’ve always been just friends” and he replied with “Comon, clearly it’s more than just friends”. Yeah, MAYBE it could have been more than just friends, but you’ve lied and betrayed me since the beginning. You’ve NEVER included me as anything more than just that guy. When we lived blocks from each other in Redondo, he NEVER included me in his group of friends, never included me in his trips to Palm Springs, NEVER included me in his group vacations, or even just going out to the local bars on a Friday night. When he lived in PDX, he NEVER included me on the weekend trips to the coast, he NEVER included me on the camping trips he went on. We had planned a vacation to Palm Springs together at one point. He cancelled a WEEK before because some of his other friends invited him on a “Better” vacation. He didn’t even BOTHER to ask me if I wanted to go on that trip.

How can I have any sort of relationship with someone who treats me like this? He doesn’t include me, he’s not honest with me, he hides shit from me all the time.

I mean, I’m heartbroken, AGAIN. I thought we were finally getting through all this shit, that we were FINALLY moving forward as actual best friends. And then BOOM. It’s all over. I can’t do anything else with him. I can NEVER trust him again.