My Life

New year. Fatter Me!

I honestly do not get it… I’ve been going to Orange Theory for months now. I go min 3 times a week, mostly 4. I burn 800-1000 calories per day. I walk my dog 2-3 miles per day, my watch says I burn another 200-300 calories there.. I don’t really pig out a lot. I eat yogurt for breakfast, I eat a normal lunch, I cook myself dinner. I eat sweets but not a lot. Yet I cannot fucking lose weight. I have been tracking my weight for the past year. I went from 212lbs to…….. 212lbs.

All this work and NOTHING to show for it. Seriously. Everyone says it’s all about diet, but it’s not like I’m going to fucking fast food every day. It’s not like I’m eating out at horrible places every day, it’s not like I’m eating a bucket of ice cream every day! I just Don’t get it. It’s honestly really discouraging. I looked at pictures from 1 year ago and today, even though I am the same weight, I feel that I even LOOKED BETTER a year ago.

In other news, work is work. I have a new boss and we will see how that goes. He is doing these weekly one on ones which I think is a bit over kill. He’s also very ADD sometimes. We had a meeting last week and he asked me a question, I answered half of it before he pivoted to something else. He also assigned me something to have done by this weeks one on one but I need more information from him to be able to complete it. I have emailed him three times and no reply at all.

I haven’t really been going on many dates recently. I met this guy in Okalahoma city on the way back from Iowa and while he’s a very nice guy, I am pretty turned off by the way he tells me about all his random hookups. So I just don’t know what to do with him. I also met this other guy who lives in Vallejo. We have been hanging out and he seems super nice. We are going to go camping next weekend and he is taking me out for my birthdays tomorrow.

Really nothing much going on. I am honestly feeling a bit down/depressed lately.

My Life

Another year alone

Well Christmas is over and NYE is coming up soon and another year gone of being single. Another year gone of not being over Clo. We didn’t even text “Merry Christmas” this year… First time in like 8 years. :'(

I started therapy this year to try and help get over him but it hasn’t really worked. I feel I haven’t really made much progress at all in therapy so I think I’m going to stop going.

Christmas was fine, got some nice stuff that I’ll use/need which is good! Most of the week has been pretty boring. I haven’t even opened grindr at all since I got here. We went down to grandma’s house this year singe the evil aunt is living with her. It was pretty lame. Everyone spent most of the time playing on their phones. I honestly don’t even know what the point is any more. I sort of feel bad that I don’t have one of those families that seems to laugh and party. Everyone is just so hard, factual and cold. We don’t drink, we don’t seem to have fun at all. It’s just weird. When I see all these people posting on instagram all the fun and parties that they are doing with family its depressing. It’s also super depressing when I see families going on vacations together, etc. We never do that shit.

Army told me he was out of town all week while I was here so he couldn’t meet up. Well yesterday he posts instagram stories of him flying out of DSM to go to Cancun. What a liar. I’m so over people who do this shit. I am unfriending people like this. There was another guy, Mark, who I was “friends” with. But he would always be going on trips with friends, going out to dinner in SF with friends, etc etc etc. But he NEVER invited me. So I unfriended him. Well he messaged me on Christmas day and we go into it and he said “I really cared about you and thought of you as someone I can trust”. Ok, well that’s great. So I’m just here so you can get comfort when you feel like shit. But Not a real friend. Same with Army. He NEVER invites me on these “friend” trips. But yet he expects me to not only INVITE him but PAY for him to go on trips with me. Fuck that shit.

Took my mom to ORangeTheory to work out. She seemed to enjoy it but for the whole rest of the day she was going on and on about how she didn’t do everything she could, she feels bad she didn’t push harder, her hip hurt and she feels bad she couldn’t run. Etc etc. etc. Gee. I wonder where I get my whole feeling of nothing is ever good enough! Speaking of the parents they are SO FRUSTRATING sometimes. Mom and Dad cannot communicate. Last night they were driving home and Dad couldn’t get the high beams to come on. Well Mom is telling him to just leave it and he starts just SCREAMING about something. And then mom yells back. Like 2 words and they are screaming at each other. It happens over and over again. Dad is retiring in May, mom is all pissed off he hasn’t ASKED her to retire with him. WTF. Then talk to him and say “Hey, should we retire at the same time?”. Or like dad will come home, walk in the door, say hello to the dog and then leave to get the mail. Won’t even say Hello to mom. So weird.

Speaking of OrangeTheory. I have been enjoying the classes here a lot more. I don’t know if it’s because I am going mid-day and I have more energy and i’m not still half asleep or because there are more guys in the class or what. But the classes here have been better, IMHO.

I have a MegaMillions ticket from California that the Lottery app says I won $238… I had a dream last night that it was actually $238MILLION! It was a bug in the app that it couldn’t print the full amount and when I went to get the cast at the gas station they told me… I was so excited. LOL

Ok. I guess that’s all. Bye! See you in 2020!!!!!

My Life

Holiday Depression

Man, it’s been a tough week or two. I have been in NC this past week shutting down our plant out there. Honestly it was super depressing to see this HUGE plant that has been buzzing with activity and machines running and people all over it to be just dead silent. Very eerie to be there and walking around alone, cleaning up desktops, etc. It really was like everyone just disappeared one day and walked out. There were still papers everywhere, trash in the trash cans, etc.

I don’t know what it is but traveling just makes me really depressed and emotional anyway and then with the emotions of closing that plant down it really got to me.

It also seems that EVERYONE is getting into relationships now and yet here I am still single AF. Even Gym Husband has a BF now!! WTF.

Pasta randomly messaged me out of no where a few days ago. I haven’t replied yet and I don’t know if I will or not.

Leaving for Iowa in a few days for christmas. I am going to drive.

Honestly, when I started this post I was going to write about a lot of stuff…. But now I just don’t feel like it.

My Life

Costa Rica and White Privilege

So much to talk about here and not really sure where to start…

Been in Costa Rica for the past week and it’s been a great trip although I’ve been really lonely and sad for most of it. Apple was supposed to come but he got rejected at the boarder (honestly, not sure I believe that story). So it’s been just me, Hut, Sean and Polly. The same group as Japan. It’s been really making me miss Yasuo (from Japan!). The trip overall has been good but it’s been raining a lot. We did some zip lining, some amazing hot springs, lots of hiking (and STAIRS) and that’s basically it. Today is the last full day and then back to reality.

It’s been sad because I hate being single on trips. I hate that I have this cute, romantic hotel room. I hate that we go to these amazing hot springs that would be great to cuddle and make out in. Etc etc. I should have been married by now but I fucked it up and I’m going to regret it forever.

Darin and I got into a huge discussion about White Privilege. It honestly really pissed me off. I sent him this funny picture of a bunch of dudes around a thanksgiving table all dressed exactly a like and he started off with this comment about how “obviously they don’t want to include other races”. First off you cannot tell that just by ONE PICTURE. He is being just as racist by ASSUMING that they excluded other races. There’s many reasons it could have been all white. and then he made this comment about how they all have white privilege, blah blah blah. And honestly I’m getting sick of this kind of shit. Everyone bashes white people/guys for being racist and having white privilege. But then they are hypocrites. It’s NOT ok for a white guy to say “No Asains” or “No blacks” but it’s totally cool for an asian guy to say “No whites” or a black guy to say “no whites”. NO, it shouldn’t be! It goes both ways. Just really frustrates me. There’s way more too it but honestly I just don’t want to get into it here.

Tony messaged me randomly the other day and said “I really enjoyed my trip to CA, want to do it again soon” So that made me feel really good 🙂

There’s other stuff to talk about but I just don’t know and don’t feel like it at the moment. Off to go enjoy the last day in Costa Rica. See you soon boys.

My Life

Guys in Relationships

Hmm. Not really sure where to start. I’ve started doing Orange Theory which has been good. I’ve been going to the 6:15am Class so it feels good to be up and get that done before work. I haven’t seen any changes physically but I’m pretty sure things are changing. I’m hoping one day I’ll wake up and be like, WWHO IS THAT!!! LOL. When I started a few weeks ago I could barely run. Yesterday I did a full 12 minutes non-stop running at 12 min mile pace. WHich is pretty damn good improvement I think! I’ve also been trying to do weights on my off days but those are harder to actually get up and do. This morning I skipped it.

My date a few weekends ago was nice. He’s a nice guy but just not something we have a lot in common I guess. I’ve been matching with tons of people recently but nothing really happening from it. Met two REALLY cute guys who I enjoy talking too, only to find out they are in relationships. Like WTF are you doing on Tinder if you’re in a relationship! Met some other guys who I think are super cute and would love to go on dates with but nada is happening. Supposed to have this date on Friday with this guy but he seems a bit flakey. Trying to find someone to have a date with Saturday as well but I don’t know if that’ll happen or not.

This past weekend I just kinda spent it at home alone. Did some stuff around the house and just relaxed which was actually pretty nice.

Yesterday the roommate told me he is moving out. I sort of want to just rent this house and find something smaller. But I’m looking and you can get like a 2bd house for the same price I’m paying for my mortgage!! Just stupid. I guess if I’m going to move, I’ll have to wait and move out of the state.

The next couple months are going to be insane. Costa Rica, Forest City, Iowa trips all coming up.

Darin spent the night a few weekends ago. We ended up having a threesome with this guy. It was pretty hot but the whole time i Just wanted to make out with him and fuck him. I wish he liked cuddling more too.

I’ve been having these crazy up and down days. Yesterday was a huge high and today seems really low.

The court case for the guy who robbed us is STILL dragging out. I just got an update from the DA. She’s trying to get him to plea out to 16 years. But he’s refusing that offer. I want this mother fucker in prison for the rest of his life.

I’m just getting so sick of all these dates and nothing happening. AGain. Everyone I know is in a fucking relationship, moving in together, etc etc and etc. ANd here I am fucking single AF.

Darin and I got to talking about Calvin the other day too while he was over and he was even telling me how I fucked up and let the best one go. Yeah. Thanks for reminding me Darin.