Holding onto Regrets

I don’t know if this is normal or not but I have an issue with holding onto regrets. There are a few things that I still think about frequently that happened years ago, that I regret not working out differently that I wish I could go back and change. It’s probably not healthy.

#1 – Shortly after I moved to Los Angeles, I met this guy named David. We hung out a lot, he was into cars, he was going to school to become a lawyer, he was nerdy, he was super cute. We were pretty good friends and hung out as often as we could, considering he lived 2 hours away. But nothing ever went further then that. He moved to Texas a few years after meeting and we lost touch. About three years ago he txted me that he needed a place to crash close to LAX and asked if he could stop at my house. We had dinner that night and chatted a lot, come to find out we both had MAJOR crushes on each other back in the day. If only we had expressed that back then.

#2 – Calvin, I know this is still “recent” but I still think about it nearly daily and regret the decision we made. And now it’s too late to do anything about it.

#3 – obviously my status. I wish I had been smarter and not trusted the person I thought I could trust at the time. I regret this daily and wish I could just accept it and move on.

#4 – Constantine – this is something that’s bothered me for so long, he cheated on me while we were dating and here it is 7 years later and he’s still with that guy. Why in 7 years have I not been able to find the person I will be with long term. I know now that we would not have been a match long term, he likes way too fancy/nice of things ($1,000/night hotels, etc) which I could never have brought myself to support. But it just frustrates me that he’s there with this guy and I’m still single.

#5 – Army, this is still very recent but yet it’s also been going on for a few years now. I regret how things happened.

#6 – There’s a lot of little things through my childhood and HS years that still come to my mind every now and then that make me embarrassed/regretful. Which I just find weird but yet I cannot stop them from coming up every now and then.

I had two very intense dreams about both Army and Calvin last night. They just keep bringing things back to the forefront of my mind and make me upset about them both again. I need to take these interactions and learn from them… I’ve for sure let two amazing guys, maybe three, slip through my grasp in years past. I need to just take things by the balls and not let it happen again.

No more regrets.

Army over. Moving on

So, things with army are done I think… On Tuesday->Wednesday he just disappeared for like 24+ hours. He finally popped up again Wed night and I was having a bad day and I called him out on it and he basically went off on me. Saying that he can disappear “whenever he wants” and that if I want to learn about peoples lives I can “watch youtube”. We haven’t spoken since.

There’s an interesting blog post from this day in 2007 in which someone sent ME a letter which very closely fits to what should be going on with him. If Army is not willing to communicate with me, put in the effort then clearly it’s time to move on. He’s too immature right now and has too much other shit going on in his life, he’s clearly not interested in me.

I’ve been struggling with the question of “do I message him again”. But I was the last one to send him anything so I feel that he can message me if he wants. Over the past three years, we’ve had a real tendency to just pop into and out of each other’s lives.

RE work front, my project that I was hired to manage and start has been delayed YET AGAIN. It was supposed to start as soon as I started with the company. Then they delayed it due to funding. It was supposed to start this month (1/2018) for a go-live of Jul. Now it was pushed because of “many new products being rolled out”. So new start date is July and go-live of December. This is RPF all over again. Start push start push. I feel like since I left Gourmet, I haven’t done ANYTHING that I actually want with my life in regards to work. I’ve lost all my knowledge of NAV. I’ve spent this week setting up laptops, fixing peoples stupid printer problems, etc. This is NOT what I should be doing at this point in my life!

Army, Therapy, Hike

Friday I had my first therapy session. It was just a quick 30 minute discussion about why I wanted to meet with him and what topics to cover. The guy is a gay and used to work at the HIV clinic in SF. So at least he’s familiar with the specific issues unlike the crazy old white religious guy I went to see in Tri-Cities. We talked about Calvin a bit and how much I regret us breaking up, talked about the stigma I personally have with HIV, and discussed my sadness of having no friends.

Just a quick chat but he said that I need to come up with a list of three things to do by the next meeting. First one I would say would be to go out with a few people.

I did just that, on Saturday I did a 7 mile hike with this guy I had been chatting with for a while. He was nice and I had fun. He invited me to go on a 15 mile hike on the 27th. Perhaps I will do that.

The hike itself was beautiful. It was called the San Pablo Ridge Trail. We got there early in the AM and were the only people to start. It was overcast and cold and had rained the previous day so the trail was super muddy. About an hour in it cleared up and was sunny and we ended up with some amazing views of the city, the golden gate bridge. Astra even got to chase some cows! They were not impressed by her.

Army is confusing as fuck. He and I finally had a phone convo on Friday AM. I basically told him that I really liked him but we need to figure out WTF is happening. Since then he’s been chatty but everything is very short lived. Like I asked him what he’s up to today. He replied “eat,sleep, workout”. OK. WTF. But he has been saying goodnight and good morning since then. We shall see. Yesterday he got into this whole “daddy needs to buy me something” again and I told him “I’m not a sugar daddy, just a daddy. Thanks” he replied “Cool” and I said “Cool??” He didn’t reply again until 5 hours later when he said “goodnight sir”. I just don’t get him, nor do I get why I am trying to hard for someone who’s clearly not putting any effort into liking/impressing me back.

Chatting with a few guys on OKCupid, we shall see if any of those become a date/in person meeting.

I had this insane vivid dream the other night that I started school again at ISU. Ever since then I have really been regretting that when I was laid off I didn’t take a different path. I really fucked myself by doing what I did. I should have used that opportunity to go back to school.

I have a roommate moving in with me end of this week, we shall see how well this goes, but it will be nice to have the income and lower out of pocket cost for living.

Hit bottom

I think I hit bottom of my emotional slide yesterday.. I was driving to staples to pick up a USB cord and just randomly started crying.

Nothing is gonna happen with Army. Yesterday he texted me at 2pm (4pm) and said “Omg I just woke up”. But he had posted on snapchat a picture of him out eating somewhere an hour before. Clearly he didn’t just wake up. I said “Don’t lie to me”. He replied “How”. I replied “we need to have a serious chat. Call or FT me whenever”. Nothing.

I don’t get it. He’s very hot and cold. This has been going on for three christmases now. At first like I said, just strictly friends. Then after the breakup we started chatting more. Then lost touch, then reconnected, etc. This Christmas was very exciting but as soon as my flight left DSM, it was like he was ice cold…

I’ve signed up for OKCupid again, haven’t been seeing anything that catches my eye. I’ve messaged lots of guys, but hardly any replies. Same with Tinder, all these people “match” with me, but then either never reply to messages or send me one message and then never reply again. I don’t understand.

And then NA is going on a Thailand trip, he just got back from a trip to Denver. Never invited me to either one. “Friends”. I feel like I’m so boring any more. I never go anywhere and I have no one to go with me anyway.

Happy fucking new year

Apparently I’ve already used this title.

New years always suck for me. I don’t know why. It’s supposed to be a time of celebration, starting fresh, etc but I always just end up hating it and being insanely depressed this time of year.

Last night was a bad one, Army and I were chatting a bit yesterday but he’s very one word reply. He’s going to some RAVE in MN and I told him, “Don’t forget about daddy while you’re there, all those fresh new grindr boys for you to play with” and he replied “What boys, daddy the only boy”. I replied with “Awwww” and he replied “Bitch” and then “Hey I can disappear forever daddy”. WTF does that fucking mean. Is he threatening me? I replied and said basically, “we need to talk on the phone and figure out what is going on between us” and he never replied past that. This is one of my biggest annoyances with him is he just doesn’t reply to things. Ignores me. It will be two or three days and then he will probably reply as if nothing happened. I’m remembering why we always seem to lose contact.

That set off a huge wave of emotions all night last night. Didn’t sleep until nearly 2am and then woke up again at 6 and have been sitting here ever since.

My life is not going at all the way I wanted or imagined it and the last two weeks have been such a fucked up roller coaster. With the Calvin news, re-connecting with Army, the end of the year, my birthday coming up.

Astra cannot decide if she wants in or out…

Why can I not find and make friends here. What happened to all my climbing “friends”. What happened with my life. I used to be so social, I used to go out all the time, I used to bike, I used to climb. Now I just sit at home. I feel like I have nothing to say to people. I feel like I’m not good enough to hang out or fun enough.

Why do I seem to be the last single person in my group of friends, everyone I know seems to have someone. Pasta has apple, Calvin has Will, Brian has David, NA has his guy, David, Gill, Greg, Daniel, Sophia, Sylvia, Constantine, Andrew, the list goes on. All I want is my life partner to come home to, to cook dinner with to do projects with, to go camping with. I’ve even started thinking that I want kids.

What am I gonna do when I’m 70, losing my mind and have no one to take care of me!

I really fucked it up twice. I don’t want to fuck up a third chance. It’ll probably be my last. Now if only I can find that third chance and not let it go, not fuck it up.