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My Life

What could have been…

Wow, so this past weekend I had to make an emergency run up to Seattle to rescue a trailer. Since Jason and I had a falling out, I wasn’t going to hang out with him so I made a last minute reach out to someone I met way back in 2009. We’ve had a few other run ins over the past years, most recently 2016 but he didn’t seem that interested in actually meeting up back then so I didn’t think he would actually meet this time.
Let me give you a little history. I went back and re-read all my posts from 09/2009-03/2010 when I could find references to him. Basically I met him on grindr while I was in Portland for a training session. We hung out and I was going to be in town for the weekend anyway, so I went to the coast and hung out with him for the weekend. Then we stayed in touch and he came down to LA three times and I went up to PDX once. Each time was great, we had lots of sex and based on my writings, we really enjoyed each other’s time.

On 09/2009 I wrote:
Alan’s a good guy, he seems to have his shit together, got a business he’s working on, cute, funny. Why do good guys never live close to me? Ugh.
On 10/2009 I wrote:
Alan… Def falling for him, wish he lived closer. Great guy, great career goals, etc. Needs to stop smoking!
On 12/2009 I wrote:
In GOOD news. I am very very excited for Alan to come down next week. I am so falling for that boy! It makes me sad every time I am reminded that he doesn’t live anywhere close to me! 🙁
On 3/2010 I wrote:
Also, Alan is totally not having anything any more. I’m very sad. I told him I’d be in Washington and he’s basically making NO effort to come see me. It’s only like a 2 hour drive from him. Ugh.

Not really sure TBH what happened in there. In 12/2009 I got dumped a HUGE project in my lap and that really took a lot of my time/life. Maybe I ignored him or didn’t give him enough attention? I’m not really sure, I always just felt that the distance wasn’t working for either of us. At the time neither of us had money or the ability to really travel a lot to see each other.
We re-connected again in 2016. It was right after Calvin and I had broken up, I was living in Kennewick and happened to be in Portland for the weekend visiting Jason. I saw Alan on Grindr, we chatted but he was with people. He said I should visit him in Astoria, but for some reason I never took him up on that. We didn’t talk again until 2018 when I wished him a happy birthday. We exchanged the typical “hope you’re doing well” but he never replied to a question I posed to him about his wellness.

So that sort of gives you the entire back story of the two of us. This past week I messaged him out of the blue on Instagram and he agreed to meet up. I told him I would confirm once I got closer so on Friday night I messaged him that I was just across the boarder in WA and we could meet for breakfast and then I would head out. To be honest, I was expecting it to be SUPER awkward but it was like old times, we met up and he showed me his office and his apartment. Although this time we sadly skipped the fucking on his desk. We went off to breakfast and had a great chat during that and then we went back to his place and then took a 3hr walk, chatted the whole time, had Ice Cream and personally I really enjoyed the time together. Just as I wrote back in 2009, “he seems to have his shit together, got a business he’s working on, cute, funny,” and he doesn’t smoke any more!
He had a birthday party to go to at 2pm and I needed to get back on the road so around 1pm we said our goodbyes and I left. I was honestly sad to leave him even though we had only been hanging out for a few hours. I Drove a ways down the coast and stopped on the beach, I was walking there and playing with astra and Texted him: “You should have just packed a bag and come with me” he replied: “I know right! It was good to see you. I’m glad you were able to stop in. Drive safe!”
Reading that now, it seems really cold… And since then, I’ve texted him a few times and he’s giving me the 24hr rule. He only replies the next day and every reply has been super short.
He has just recently bought an airstream camper. I text him when I got home that we made it safe and it was good to see him. I also said for him to come down to CA, we can do a 2-week road trip and I’ll show you all my favorite places to go. He replied “Very nice. Glad you two made it home safe. It was really nice to catch up, I’m looking forward to heading down that way at some point.”
Just think, what could have been. What if back in 2010 we had been able to work it out, make it through the distance then. We could have been married by now, living together, doing whatever. Maybe I wouldn’t be HIV+. Maybe we’d have kids by now. Maybe we’d be living the life I dream of.
Between him and Calvin, I feel the best two people I’ve ever met have been lost from my life. He was only in my life for such a short time period back then but I feel/felt really close to him, like we’d be a good match.
I also feel that EVEN if we had made it work, I would have been a horrible BF, I would have done the same bad things to him that I did to Calvin. It honestly wasn’t until after Calvin that I’ve learned to be a good BF, not that I’ve had a BF since Calving but I feel that I would treat them 100% differently. I wish I had learned those lessons earlier in life.
Maybe things would be so different.

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