Chris' Site

I’ve been so fucking busy lately that I haven’t even had time to think or do anything. Everything is just happening. Some stuff I’ve been trying to pause and slow down but then it just keeps rolling forward at its own pace. Faster than I can keep up. Which is mostly just life in general right now. It’s going faster than I can keep up.

I’m buying a boat. The process has been shall we just say, stressful. Lots of moving parts, etc. I wanted to delay and delay it so that I didn’t have to pay so many months mortgage on it. But now I am ready and just want it done. BUT I just got a call from the finance department who said we might need to delay it until the 15th of July. No big deal, TBH.

I’m still hella scared that I’m doing the right thing. Moving onto a boat but EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE has been super supportive of it so far. I am going home next weekend to tell my parents the plan. We will see what they say about it.

I had to take my blog private/offline because Serge “found” it. Someone texted him but he won’t say who. and he got pissed off about my last post about “feeling wanted”. He hasn’t spoken to me since. So whatever, I honestly think the fact that he stopped talking to me because of that, just goes to show there was something else going on here, some alternate motive. I’m not sure yet.

Things about Charles, I mean still getting over him day by day. Most days I don’t think about him any more. But there are days where I still wish he would just call to talk. HE DID text me a few weekends ago to vent about Jay and James. But I was out with Kellie and couldn’t really talk. I called Charles a few weeks ago too to discuss jay and James. We had a nice like 1hr+ convo about them and other random stuff. THIS phone call was the Charles I miss and loved.

Jay and James… What a fucking messssssss. At one point, Jay started texting me all this shit about “if you love me, stop talking to James”. WTF. Psycho. They are currently on a week long vacation with the guy that JAMES CHEATED ON JAY WITH. Why on earth would you ever stay in touch with the person your husband cheated with. MUST LESS fucking take him on a vacation when your relationship is falling apart.

ON top of that, Jay planned a pool party specifically for a weekend JAMES couldn’t go and invited all of James’/mutual friends and “old hookups”. Jay is fucking nuts. My therapist is like “Do you really want these people in your lives”… No, not really.

Kellie… Oh Kellie. Where to begin. TBH, I’m basically at the end with him. I just kinda want to get through to September and then break up with him. But I’m also ready to just end it now. I just need the courage.

Two weekends ago, we went to Oracle park for a ball game. On the way there, I as telling Kellie all about this pool party and how Jay and James are planning Pride events with Charles and how it’s frustrating that they are still prioritizing Charles over me. even though Im the one who’s always there for them, I’m the one who texts them back all the time and yet they complain about how Charles cannot commit and how he doesn’t reply, etc etc etc. But they STILL prioritize him over me.

Kellie got pissed off because it was a story about Charles. THEN we arrived in SF and that’s when Charles texted me to vent. I told Charles that I was busy but vent and I would reply later. Kellie got pissed off that Charles was texting me. Even though this was the FIRST TIME in a month I had even heard from him. So we walked from the ferry building to oracle park in silence.

We got to Oracle park and met up with my friends. Had a good time, had some beer, ate some food and then went to sit and watch the game. Maybe 30ish minutes into the game, I had to poop, so I told kellie. ONLY KELLIE that I was going to poop. I got up, walked away and went poop. When I came out of the bathroom stall there were my friends washing out their cups. I’m standing there talking to them and in walks Kellie and OUT walks kellie. As soon as he saw us there, he just turned around and walked off. He was so pissed because we apparently “PLANNED” to abandon him in the seats. WTF. I was so ready to just end things right then and there.

We walked back to BART not speaking, we took separate BART trains back to my house. I was just so fucking DONE. I talked to Jhunrie on the way back and he talked me into giving him another chance. So we gave him another chance and Sunday was a lot of fun.

Then this past weekend, we went into the city again. On the way into the city Kellie was holding my phone to pick music and Irish texted me. He and I had been talking about a TV show, he replied “no, I haven’t”. That’s it. Kellie got pissed off because Irish was texting me… But he didn’t say anything about it until later… I could TELL he was pissed, so I replied to Irish telling him Kellie was pissed.

We had a great time at this magic show and then went shopping. While we were shopping he was texting someone. After shopping we were going to go to a party but we were a little early so we went and sat in the truck. He was texting someone again and I looked over and he had sent a picture of himself.

DEJA VU – It’s Charles and thanksgiving all over. So I start pressing him…. MORE so, because if _I_ had been sending pictures of myself to some random ass guy while I was with Kellie, he would be FURIOUS. Like harmless flirting happens all the time, it’s whatever. But It’s just so fucking hypocritical of him to be doing that shit when he KNOWS he would murder me if I did that to him.

So, I pushed it and pushed it. He kept refusing to tell me anything other than “oh he’s someone I met at the bars before we met”. So I just got pissed and we drove home. Again, I was fucking READY to end it. On the way home, he kept asking me what I wanted him to do. I said “I just want to see the messages from this guy today.” His response was that he wanted to read ALL MY MESSAGES from whenever and whomever. I told him, he could read the messaged from Irish from TODAY, if he showed me the messages from this guy today.

He again refused, so CLEARLY something way more was going on then just a harmless friendly conversation. Finally after like 2 hours of back and forth he decided he would READ the messages the guy sent. I’m SURE he skipped over some stuff, but whatever. The whole thing started out with the guy replying to Kellie’s story saying “I can see your nipples”…. You know where this is going.

SOOOO. He’s a hypocrite, cause if I had done that exact same thing he would have had a melt down.

THEN today. This morning he texted me “I am really missing you today”… I was at work, I was dealing with 100 things including tenants bitching at me. He knew this, as I had been texting him about it already. I ‘hearted’ the message. Apparently that wasn’t GOOD enough for him and he sent me a bunch of messages about it and he went back and edited the message to just be a “.”. He said:

“I wanted you to acknowledge that I’m missing you this morning but I understand you might be stressed out about something else. Well the best it received was a heart emoji. I feel like it was not entertained and made me feel pathetic. It felt like I’m too clingy for missing you this morning.”

WTF. And then he’s been “distant” since then. I am just so frustrated by this shit. I just want a fucking relationship which is happy, doesn’t have all this neediness and things just work out. I know, I know, relationships take work. etc etc. But the fact that ALL THIS little shit over the past three weeks. And it’s been going on for months now like this.

He is just not experienced enough in relationships to be secure. I am fine with the whole anxious attachment. Fuck, I’m anxious. But He’s toooooo much and it’s wearing me thin. I feel like if I don’t reply “happy” enough for him, he gets mad. If I don’t answer EVERY TIME he calls, he gets mad. If one of my friends texts me, he gets mad.

Ugh….

We just got back from a trip to NYC. It was a lot of fun but very expensive. We had two major fights.

Things since my last post have been OK. “someone” texted serge about my blog. He read it then sent me a text demanding to be removed, so I just made everything private for now. He hasn’t texted or replied to me since. I haven’t spoken to Charles in a while, which is fine. I still have these hopes that he will call and say he “wants to talk” or wants to hang out or something. But at this point, what’s the point?

Things with Kellie have been generally really good. We have been getting along a lot better over the past few weeks, we’ve ironed out a lot of kinks, etc.

We got to NYC and had to just hit the ground running.. Didn’t stop until we left. It was an exhausting trip. Saturday night we went out with Darin and his friend John. We did K and all ended up making out in the club. It was pretty hot. I wish MORE had happened. I’ve always wanted to fuck Darin. I was super nervous meeting him again after so long and how we ended things previously. But it went really well.

Sunday we got up and walked around, sightseeing, etc. It was raining so not the best day. We saw the final performance of Sweeney Todd which was amazing.

That night we went out to the Eagle and picked up this guy. Brought him back to our place and had a threesome. While the guy was fucking me, I was laying in Kellie’s lap, Kellie was making out with the guy. We switched to doggie and the guy was fucking me, I was sucking kellie off, ect.

Then we switched and the guy started fucking Kellie. I was completely iced out at that point and ended up jerking off on the edge of the bed. This really pissed me off. THEN Kellie invited him to spend the night! WTF. Without even asking me.

The whole night I was just laying there in bed repeating “Would you please leave now” in my mind, but I didn’t know how to bring it up in person. I was fucking livid. Kellie and I talked about it in the morning and he said sorry, but I was just so fucking pissed about it.

Monday we got up and did some more sightseeing, 9/11 memorial, other stuff like that. We got to bed early “around 1am”. But I don’t even remember what we were doing out that late.

Tuesday was the last day, went to the met and hooked up with this guy there. Spent the day with him then went and saw Water For Elephants which was dumb, but also made me cry.

It made me cry because I was thinking about Jerry and just getting older and not completing life tasks and taking things and getting them done. Just wasting my life sitting here. “working” etc.

We went back to the hotel after that, got dinner on the way and Kellie kept pushing to meet up with this guy who was close to our hotel. But I said no cause it was already too late and I just wanted to go to bed since we had to get up at 3am to get to the airport.

Flight home was fine. But then the drive home was when shit really went down. We were going to stop and get coffee and kellie told me this story about how he had a date at the Applebees next door. He said ‘I’m not really talking to him any more” and I said “I should hope not”. Then he made some snarky ass comment about “well, I’m not the one who holds onto ex’s and talks to all my hookups still” which just really pissed me off.

I asked him to delete grindr multiple times cause it was on his phone from the trip. He said he would do it once he got home cause he wanted to “block” all the people we talked too. I asked him to just do it while we were driving home and he said “I feel like I’m not trusted”. No, I just flat out don’t want you on grindr at home, alone. PERIOD. This is what really started the whole fucking argument and we were basically screaming at each other.

We got to his house and he wouldn’t even invite me in because his brother might be there. so we sat in the truck arguing. it got to the point where we were both just so pissed off that he got out of the car and just left. I drove off.

When I got home we texted a little bit. But honestly I’m still not really 100% over it yet. I’m still pissed about the threesome thing, I’m still annoyed about the grindr thing.

I dunno, am I holding on to it too much? I Dunno.

Things with Deb are also not going well. They found a lump in her breast, they found out it’s some crazy form of cancer that only 2 people have had since the 1970’s. The lump has double in size in two weeks. So that’s hella scary.

She keeps sending out these texts that are so positive and saying shit like “please bring humor to the table” but like, what humor is there to bring? It’s clear to everyone she’s dying. It’s just a question of how much longer.

I wish I could feel as WANTED as people seem to want Charles.

Everyone is in love with him, everyone goes out of their way to hang out with him. Over the weekend I got a random message on Reddit. Basically the person said that we had an ex in common. Obviously it had to be Charles, so I asked him. It was the guy he dated from 2011-2013. This ex from 11 years ago is still seeking him out, still in love with him.

Charles also admitted last week that Don said he was in love with him. Charles’ friends go out of their way to make time to hang out with him in his schedule. Serge (who first said he was going to kick him out) is now saying he’s going to give him a discount in rent to “help him with his college expenses”. Everyone wants to be with Charles, everyone wants to be around him, people go out of their way to spend time with him

He treats people like SHIT. He doesn’t reply to them, he ignores them, he doesn’t ask about their lives. It’s a recurring theme. That’s just how he is.

He texted me the other day and said “I had a dream about you” I replied. “that’s weird, I’ve been dreaming about you too.. What was your dream about”. He then told me what his dream was about, but never asked me what my dreams were about. Then we talked a little bit about our lives, but again, it was mostly about HIS life. Just like how when we were together, he didn’t ever ask about my life, or my day or how I was feeling.

He asked me for some advise on something. I wrote him a huuggeee reply with my advise. He didn’t even reply, didn’t say “thanks for the advise”. Just ignored me/it.

How do I get people to WANT to hang out with me, how do I get people to go out of their way to WANT To be with me. I think/look back to my time in LA and I used to have that, I had people fawning over me, wanting to hang out.

Kellie says, It’s not that they want to be his friend, is that’t that they just are lusting over him and want to fuck him. Mostly true. Most of these people who are all about Charles are just in love with him. Just want to fuck him.

I’m really starting to think this boat idea is a good idea. I’ve been putting a lot of effort into trying to figure out how to make it work. I’ve been starting to float it by people as ideas. Everyone so far has been supportive. Honestly, my biggest fear is just being there alone. But this guy on instagram who has a boat says that “getting a boat makes you a magnet” hahaha. Gays think you have a super power.

Just frustrating. I just want to be wanted. I still want Charles to want me. I want him to call me and just talk, just ask about my life. I want to be open with him about stuff going on. I want him to CARE about me. I want him to apologize still about how he treated me. He never will.

So last week I was in San Diego for a week long class of sailing. It was a very fun time but leaves me feeling a bit In my own head about it.

There was this old guy on the trip. We found out he was 87, his wife died 6 months ago. He’s taking the class because he wants to buy a sailboat and sail on his own. But he’s so old and weak he couldn’t really do anything. I spent a lot of time working with him to help him out.

It hurts seeing this. This old guy, trying to make one last hurrah in his life. Experience one last big thing. He told us some stories from his life and he’s had a pretty amazing life. Lived in Switzerland, some other cool places. No kids, just him and his wife of 65 years. He was a high school science teacher.

It really makes you think. I don’t want to end up being that. I want to live my life but I keep holding back. I’m scared at times to make those jumps. I don’t want to do them alone. But to really experience things, to see life, to see the world. You have to just jump.

I’m really on this kick. Quit my job by December. Buy a boat. Do something. I’m just not 100% sure WTF it will be.

And where does Kellie play into this. we sort of had that discussion this past weekend. Like, how can I make my dreams happen and he can still fulfill his dreams. How can we support each other, if we last that long.

And honestly, I’m not even sure this is what I want. WTF would make me feel fulfilled… What would make me happy every day to wake up and do. What about Astra? What would I do with her. Does she come on a boat with me? Do I spend all year on a boat, do I spend 6 months on boat and 6 on land. Do I buy into a charter program and spend 12 weeks on a boat in various places.

Would friends come and visit for a week or two at a time. If Kellie and I don’t make it, would I find a guy on the water?

I watched this 90 minute seminar from one of the YouTube people I watch. He basically was pushing this idea to just buy a boat, spend 6-12 months on it in a place like the Caribbean and see what it’s like. See if you LOVE it. If you don’t like it at the end, what would a year cost you on the boat? $60k-70k?

What about health insurance and my HIV meds? How/where would I pay for those.

What about all my JUNK!

The instructor for the class said I should seriously consider teaching. Maybe I can mesh that into my lifestyle. Could I foster kids while on a boat? What would I do to fill my days?

What if I am single.. Can I do this alone?

If Charles thought that I was anxious, boy has he not met a truly anxious person!

Spent this past weekend with Kellie which was 95% good. We had fun, we did some stuff. Did pottery class which was fun. I’m a natural apparently 😉

It was a very domestic weekend and was nice to have that. I ended up not going to the birthday party. Charles and I had a talk on Friday and it just kinda pissed me off. At one point he said something like “some things just never change” and he was right. Some things just never change. He doesn’t reply to texts, doesn’t follow through with what he says he will do and I get annoyed by it. So what’s the point. Also, I just don’t think that I could have been around Don and Eric for that long.

I found out that Charles planned himself a SECOND birthday dinner for Monday night. And that kinda just made me feel like shit. Here he is able to plan HIMSELF two whole birthday parties but when it came to me, he couldn’t even be bothered to take the day off, much less PLAN something. So I called Jay and he and I talked then ended up going to lunch which ended up getting drunk for the afternoon. Blah blah blah. Lots of stuff.

So yeah, Weekend with Kellie was good. There was ONE thing where one of my friends RANDOMLY texted me (no context, nothing) “How is Charles’ dick?”. And Kellie just HAPPENED to be holding my phone at the time, so he got kinda annoyed by that. Understandable. But it was a bit MORE of a response then really should have happened. IE he just wouldn’t drop it when I told him. “I don’t know why my friend is asking me this” and “NO we haven’t been talking about Charles’ dick before”.

So yeah, overall good weekend with Kellie

Then, I came home back to Concord on Tuesday…. Tuesday night we talked and something stupid came up, we got into a little argument and he was like “ok, let’s hang up and start this over”. So we hung up and started it over and we were just talking about random stuff. He mentioned he had gone to CVS and bought toothpaste and floss and what not. I asked him “Oh, how often do you floss” or something along those lines. Which he just immediately took as “oh, you’re saying my breath stinks”. It just escalated to a point where I was hella annoyed.

Wednesday night. I had a splitting headache and was going to go to bed at 8:30pm. So I called him just to say goodnight. But my friend Glenn called a bit before that and said he was going to Vegas the last weekend in March asking me if I wanted to go. I cannot go because I’m in San Diego that same weekend.

But. It’s just funny and such a coincidence that Charles is also going to be in Vegas that same weekend. I mentioned this to Kellie and he got all pissed off because I knew that Charles was going to be there and that I “remember” this kind of stuff about him and blah blah blah blah. And then started asking all these questions about how often I talk to him Ugh. I just got so annoyed. I am so sick of just LITTLE ass shit that I mention setting him off.

His argument is “what am I not allowed to react” and honestly, yes you can REACT to things that are fucking IMPORTANT. But me remembering that Charles is going to Vegas for a weekend IS NOT SOMETHING THAT REQUIRED ANY REACTION AT ALL. I remember he was going because when I asked him if he could watch astra, he said “No, I’m going to be in Vegas” so it’s not that fucking hard for me to remember something like that. But then Kellie was all “Well why do you have to remember that”. WHY? I don’t CHOOSE what I remember, I just REMEMBER.

I finally had it, we keep having these small ass arguments over some TINY thing that I said. Still while writing this, I question what on EARTH in his mind set him off to be upset because I remembered that my ex was going to a certain place on a specific weekend. Why does that even matter?

I told him, Kellie, I cannot do this, I cannot keep having these arguments over some stupid thing that I say. I cannot be filtering everything I say. So I hung up.

Then he posted some passive aggressive BS to instagram which says: “Every time I addressed something that bothered me, I became the problem”.

He texted me at like 1am saying “I’m sorry”. We talked a little bit this morning he says sorry, he is working on it. But honesty if this keeps up, I cannot.

He brought up the fact that “oh you let Charles get away with so much while you were together but every little thing I do annoys you”. NO, it’s that every little thing _I_ say sets you off and instantly changes your mood. Which then impacts ME and how I feel.

It’s just FRUSTRATING. We’re only 3 months into dating. We’re not even OFFICIAl boyfriends yet. We’re just fucking “exclusive” and there should not be this MANY problems already. There should not be this many arguments, discussions, etc. I should be able to be free to talk about things, have my feelings, remember shit.

I am honestly a bit jealous of what Charles is doing with his boys. He’s got the best of both worlds. He’s basically dating Don, but he’s also still fucking boys on grindr.

Speaking of, I saw one of his cousin’s instagram stories from his Monday Birthday, Don looks like me. It really bothered me that he’s already introducing this guy to his family and seeing him sit next to Charles. Ugh. It was tough. It did really convince me that I did the right thing by not going on Saturday. If just seeing a STORY upset me that much, imagine seeing him in PERSON.

Anyway, long enough post. Things with Kellie are rocky… We shall see what becomes of that.