Saying Goodbye

This has been tough already saying goodbye to people.

Meeting up with Charles in about 30 minutes and I’m nervous I’m gonna cry. One year ago today, I wrote a post about how this wasn’t the relationship I wanted. Then here we are 1 year later and I still want him back. I still miss him every day. I still long for him to come cuddle and kiss me. I still get excited every time I see his name pop up on my phone.

I’m still jealous of the guys he’s hanging out with now.

I had beers with Hugo last night, he cried saying goodbye. Telling me how this has been the best summer because of me. James texted me the other day saying that the summer the four of us all got to hang out was the best summer he’s had.

And I’m leaving it all behind. Part of me feels I’m still running away from Charles, to get away from the memories of him. Part of me is doing it because i want the adventure. All of me is scared.

New Boat and a Hurricane

Posting a public post on this topics…

I finally closed on a boat, a 2023 Fountaine Pajot ISLA 40. The whole thing has been insanely stressful and I’ve questioned my decision multiple times already. But I’m strong and it’s going to be a story to tell in a few years. No matter how it goes.

The whole sales process was way more stressful than I expected. There’s a lot more to buying a boat then buying a house. IE picking a home port, getting insurance, finding a marina to dock it at. I also found that people in the industry suck at replying back to you. You really have to hound them, which I’m not good at. I am someone who calls once then waits for you to call back (probably one reason why my dating life always sucked). So you’d call and wait and wait and wait, then not get an answer.

Once we closed, I hired some guys that were highly recommended to install solar on the boat. They had massive attitudes and really pissed me off. I’m not happy with the quality of the work they did.

THEN, we took the boat over to get the bottom cleaned and the fucking propellers fell off, so there was a $7k unexpected expense right out of the door.

THEN!!! A fucking hurricane started forming and heading right for where the boat was stored. I needed to move the boat out of Florida anyway because I didn’t pay FL taxes we only had so long to keep it there. So I hired these (again, highly recommended) captains to help me move the boat. They arrived and basically got on board and were like “let’s go”. So we left, I was insanely stressed. I felt like nothing was ready, I wanted to have another day to get the boat cleaned up and buy some spares, etc. But we left at 10pm. The trip itself went well, they didn’t sail which was annoying but they just wanted to get to our destination as fast as possible. We hung out, they fished. I tried to learn as much as I could about the boat. Again, VERY stressful, just so many things to learn and understand.

On day two, they said something about where we were going, and I was like: “wait, what, that’s NOT where we are going.” SO THEN, I had to stress and find a new place to store the boat. THANK GOD I had starlink and was able to find something in Charleston, SC.

We arrived in Charleston Saturday night and they tied the boat up and just spilt. Overall, the guys did their job, they got the boat from point A to B. But I wasn’t very happy with them. My broker called and chatted and he asked me more about the boat, the trip, etc then my own parents did. Which was a bit frustrating.

Monday, a fucking hurricane hits Charleston. Again, I was stresssssed. I’ve owned the boat for a week. I just moved it out of a hurricane and now that hurricane we had been avoiding is hitting right where we were. WTF why is Mother Nature putting me through this stress so early. Most people get to enjoy the boat, do some fun stuff and then eventually get themselves into these situations. But not me, FIRST WEEK get the hardest shit.

I got a hotel and Tuesday morning I went to check the boat, one of the lines had snapped. I ran into a guy on the docks and he was able to drive to the marina store and get more lines then come back and help me tie up. Thank god or him.

I have realized that people in this industry, even though they SUCK at replying to you or follow through. They are amazing at helping out, giving advise, etc. IT’s been so nice how helpful for the most part people are.

But, I was def having a melt down. I have been nearly in tears a few times already with this whole situation. I’ve been questioning myself, is this the right thing to do, what about astra, is she going to be happy. Am _I_ going to be happy. Thankfully, my friends have been amazing support. Charles has been more supportive and encouraging than I’d have ever expected.

I have just over one month left in my apartment. Really, only 20ish days because we leave for Greece. I have so much to do between now and then. So much more to learn and so many lessons to come.

I’ll admit. I’m scared, but excited to try this adventure.

Major Life Updates

I’ve been so fucking busy lately that I haven’t even had time to think or do anything. Everything is just happening. Some stuff I’ve been trying to pause and slow down but then it just keeps rolling forward at its own pace. Faster than I can keep up. Which is mostly just life in general right now. It’s going faster than I can keep up.

I’m buying a boat. The process has been shall we just say, stressful. Lots of moving parts, etc. I wanted to delay and delay it so that I didn’t have to pay so many months mortgage on it. But now I am ready and just want it done. BUT I just got a call from the finance department who said we might need to delay it until the 15th of July. No big deal, TBH.

I’m still hella scared that I’m doing the right thing. Moving onto a boat but EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE has been super supportive of it so far. I am going home next weekend to tell my parents the plan. We will see what they say about it.

I had to take my blog private/offline because Serge “found” it. Someone texted him but he won’t say who. and he got pissed off about my last post about “feeling wanted”. He hasn’t spoken to me since. So whatever, I honestly think the fact that he stopped talking to me because of that, just goes to show there was something else going on here, some alternate motive. I’m not sure yet.

Things about Charles, I mean still getting over him day by day. Most days I don’t think about him any more. But there are days where I still wish he would just call to talk. HE DID text me a few weekends ago to vent about Jay and James. But I was out with Kellie and couldn’t really talk. I called Charles a few weeks ago too to discuss jay and James. We had a nice like 1hr+ convo about them and other random stuff. THIS phone call was the Charles I miss and loved.

Jay and James… What a fucking messssssss. At one point, Jay started texting me all this shit about “if you love me, stop talking to James”. WTF. Psycho. They are currently on a week long vacation with the guy that JAMES CHEATED ON JAY WITH. Why on earth would you ever stay in touch with the person your husband cheated with. MUST LESS fucking take him on a vacation when your relationship is falling apart.

ON top of that, Jay planned a pool party specifically for a weekend JAMES couldn’t go and invited all of James’/mutual friends and “old hookups”. Jay is fucking nuts. My therapist is like “Do you really want these people in your lives”… No, not really.

Kellie… Oh Kellie. Where to begin. TBH, I’m basically at the end with him. I just kinda want to get through to September and then break up with him. But I’m also ready to just end it now. I just need the courage.

Two weekends ago, we went to Oracle park for a ball game. On the way there, I as telling Kellie all about this pool party and how Jay and James are planning Pride events with Charles and how it’s frustrating that they are still prioritizing Charles over me. even though Im the one who’s always there for them, I’m the one who texts them back all the time and yet they complain about how Charles cannot commit and how he doesn’t reply, etc etc etc. But they STILL prioritize him over me.

Kellie got pissed off because it was a story about Charles. THEN we arrived in SF and that’s when Charles texted me to vent. I told Charles that I was busy but vent and I would reply later. Kellie got pissed off that Charles was texting me. Even though this was the FIRST TIME in a month I had even heard from him. So we walked from the ferry building to oracle park in silence.

We got to Oracle park and met up with my friends. Had a good time, had some beer, ate some food and then went to sit and watch the game. Maybe 30ish minutes into the game, I had to poop, so I told kellie. ONLY KELLIE that I was going to poop. I got up, walked away and went poop. When I came out of the bathroom stall there were my friends washing out their cups. I’m standing there talking to them and in walks Kellie and OUT walks kellie. As soon as he saw us there, he just turned around and walked off. He was so pissed because we apparently “PLANNED” to abandon him in the seats. WTF. I was so ready to just end things right then and there.

We walked back to BART not speaking, we took separate BART trains back to my house. I was just so fucking DONE. I talked to Jhunrie on the way back and he talked me into giving him another chance. So we gave him another chance and Sunday was a lot of fun.

Then this past weekend, we went into the city again. On the way into the city Kellie was holding my phone to pick music and Irish texted me. He and I had been talking about a TV show, he replied “no, I haven’t”. That’s it. Kellie got pissed off because Irish was texting me… But he didn’t say anything about it until later… I could TELL he was pissed, so I replied to Irish telling him Kellie was pissed.

We had a great time at this magic show and then went shopping. While we were shopping he was texting someone. After shopping we were going to go to a party but we were a little early so we went and sat in the truck. He was texting someone again and I looked over and he had sent a picture of himself.

DEJA VU – It’s Charles and thanksgiving all over. So I start pressing him…. MORE so, because if _I_ had been sending pictures of myself to some random ass guy while I was with Kellie, he would be FURIOUS. Like harmless flirting happens all the time, it’s whatever. But It’s just so fucking hypocritical of him to be doing that shit when he KNOWS he would murder me if I did that to him.

So, I pushed it and pushed it. He kept refusing to tell me anything other than “oh he’s someone I met at the bars before we met”. So I just got pissed and we drove home. Again, I was fucking READY to end it. On the way home, he kept asking me what I wanted him to do. I said “I just want to see the messages from this guy today.” His response was that he wanted to read ALL MY MESSAGES from whenever and whomever. I told him, he could read the messaged from Irish from TODAY, if he showed me the messages from this guy today.

He again refused, so CLEARLY something way more was going on then just a harmless friendly conversation. Finally after like 2 hours of back and forth he decided he would READ the messages the guy sent. I’m SURE he skipped over some stuff, but whatever. The whole thing started out with the guy replying to Kellie’s story saying “I can see your nipples”…. You know where this is going.

SOOOO. He’s a hypocrite, cause if I had done that exact same thing he would have had a melt down.

THEN today. This morning he texted me “I am really missing you today”… I was at work, I was dealing with 100 things including tenants bitching at me. He knew this, as I had been texting him about it already. I ‘hearted’ the message. Apparently that wasn’t GOOD enough for him and he sent me a bunch of messages about it and he went back and edited the message to just be a “.”. He said:

“I wanted you to acknowledge that I’m missing you this morning but I understand you might be stressed out about something else. Well the best it received was a heart emoji. I feel like it was not entertained and made me feel pathetic. It felt like I’m too clingy for missing you this morning.”

WTF. And then he’s been “distant” since then. I am just so frustrated by this shit. I just want a fucking relationship which is happy, doesn’t have all this neediness and things just work out. I know, I know, relationships take work. etc etc. But the fact that ALL THIS little shit over the past three weeks. And it’s been going on for months now like this.

He is just not experienced enough in relationships to be secure. I am fine with the whole anxious attachment. Fuck, I’m anxious. But He’s toooooo much and it’s wearing me thin. I feel like if I don’t reply “happy” enough for him, he gets mad. If I don’t answer EVERY TIME he calls, he gets mad. If one of my friends texts me, he gets mad.

Ugh….

Trip to NYC

We just got back from a trip to NYC. It was a lot of fun but very expensive. We had two major fights.

Things since my last post have been OK. “someone” texted serge about my blog. He read it then sent me a text demanding to be removed, so I just made everything private for now. He hasn’t texted or replied to me since. I haven’t spoken to Charles in a while, which is fine. I still have these hopes that he will call and say he “wants to talk” or wants to hang out or something. But at this point, what’s the point?

Things with Kellie have been generally really good. We have been getting along a lot better over the past few weeks, we’ve ironed out a lot of kinks, etc.

We got to NYC and had to just hit the ground running.. Didn’t stop until we left. It was an exhausting trip. Saturday night we went out with Darin and his friend John. We did K and all ended up making out in the club. It was pretty hot. I wish MORE had happened. I’ve always wanted to fuck Darin. I was super nervous meeting him again after so long and how we ended things previously. But it went really well.

Sunday we got up and walked around, sightseeing, etc. It was raining so not the best day. We saw the final performance of Sweeney Todd which was amazing.

That night we went out to the Eagle and picked up this guy. Brought him back to our place and had a threesome. While the guy was fucking me, I was laying in Kellie’s lap, Kellie was making out with the guy. We switched to doggie and the guy was fucking me, I was sucking kellie off, ect.

Then we switched and the guy started fucking Kellie. I was completely iced out at that point and ended up jerking off on the edge of the bed. This really pissed me off. THEN Kellie invited him to spend the night! WTF. Without even asking me.

The whole night I was just laying there in bed repeating “Would you please leave now” in my mind, but I didn’t know how to bring it up in person. I was fucking livid. Kellie and I talked about it in the morning and he said sorry, but I was just so fucking pissed about it.

Monday we got up and did some more sightseeing, 9/11 memorial, other stuff like that. We got to bed early “around 1am”. But I don’t even remember what we were doing out that late.

Tuesday was the last day, went to the met and hooked up with this guy there. Spent the day with him then went and saw Water For Elephants which was dumb, but also made me cry.

It made me cry because I was thinking about Jerry and just getting older and not completing life tasks and taking things and getting them done. Just wasting my life sitting here. “working” etc.

We went back to the hotel after that, got dinner on the way and Kellie kept pushing to meet up with this guy who was close to our hotel. But I said no cause it was already too late and I just wanted to go to bed since we had to get up at 3am to get to the airport.

Flight home was fine. But then the drive home was when shit really went down. We were going to stop and get coffee and kellie told me this story about how he had a date at the Applebees next door. He said ‘I’m not really talking to him any more” and I said “I should hope not”. Then he made some snarky ass comment about “well, I’m not the one who holds onto ex’s and talks to all my hookups still” which just really pissed me off.

I asked him to delete grindr multiple times cause it was on his phone from the trip. He said he would do it once he got home cause he wanted to “block” all the people we talked too. I asked him to just do it while we were driving home and he said “I feel like I’m not trusted”. No, I just flat out don’t want you on grindr at home, alone. PERIOD. This is what really started the whole fucking argument and we were basically screaming at each other.

We got to his house and he wouldn’t even invite me in because his brother might be there. so we sat in the truck arguing. it got to the point where we were both just so pissed off that he got out of the car and just left. I drove off.

When I got home we texted a little bit. But honestly I’m still not really 100% over it yet. I’m still pissed about the threesome thing, I’m still annoyed about the grindr thing.

I dunno, am I holding on to it too much? I Dunno.

Things with Deb are also not going well. They found a lump in her breast, they found out it’s some crazy form of cancer that only 2 people have had since the 1970’s. The lump has double in size in two weeks. So that’s hella scary.

She keeps sending out these texts that are so positive and saying shit like “please bring humor to the table” but like, what humor is there to bring? It’s clear to everyone she’s dying. It’s just a question of how much longer.