I’m honestly starting to get overwhelmed by the number of guys “talking” to me and wanting to hangout/date.
I have like two or three boys now who message me shit like “I miss you”.
Last night, I had three people who wanted to hang out. I told them all no, I just needed a night alone.
Trying to juggle, trying to coordinate, trying to manage.
But I still just want one boy to come back and say “I miss you”.
This week started out great, Monday I was feeling happy and having a good time. Tuesday I went out to play tennis, I’m getting better.
Today, for some reason I am just sad. I woke up around 3am, thinking about him of course. Wondering if he still thinks about me. Does he still have down days, is he still sad sometimes? Does he check my instagram to look at our old posts. Does he look at our old photos.
I’m at work, my eyes have been teary most of the day.
I check instagram constantly, to see if he posts a story, a note, anything. He posted on Monday a song. “Dazed and Confused” – Ruel. What’s the meaning, who’s it aimed at? Probably Alex.
I wonder when/if I’ll see him again. I wonder how that interaction will go. He’s supposed to watch astra next week. How do I hand over the keys? I’m probably just going to leave the keys in the mailbox and tell him they are there…
I miss him, but he’s a terrible BF. I love him, but he couldn’t treat me right. I want him back, but he needs to be better. I want to forget him, but I cannot.
I’m sure he’s already forgotten, moved on. He’s stuck on Alex now, flirting, chatting, having a good time. He’s smiling at work. I don’t cross his mind. He doesn’t go to our texts and start to write something and then delete it.
I have boys chasing me, but I cannot give them anything right now. I’m still stuck on him.
I have a hangout tonight, I’m debating just cancelling but he and I have been talking for weeks and finally meeting up.
I have a hangout with Pete on Friday and I have a hangout with Matty on Saturday, but I don’t even know what the point is.
Maybe I’m the one who just needs to be alone right now. Maybe I’m the one who needs to go find myself, run away. I’ve spent the entire day looking at boats to buy. Thinking to myself, maybe if I just buy it, get away, someone will come to me, somewhere.
Two years ago this past weekend, Charles and I did our road trip to fort Bragg. Two years ago this weekend, I wanted to say “Be my boyfriend”. Two years ago today, he broke my heart by ghosting me to date Eric. Two years of heartbreak. I’m still heartbroken over him. I still miss him. This past weekend, I kept just hoping. “Ok, it’s been a month, maybe he will message me”. I kept getting TONS of tiktoks this weekend with things like “He is thinking about you, he will reach out to you soon” or “He misses you so much and you are always on his mind. blah blah blah”. I hope they are true. But why after two years of heartbreak am I still missing him, wanting him back. Wanting him to WANT me.
This past weekend was good. Friday I went and volunteered in the city. It was fun and quick. I will go back to them again. After that I met up with bathhouse guy (Pete) and we went to Napa wine tasting with two of his friends. They are a bit catty and Pete dresses kinda queeney. I don’t like catty gays. But he was holding my hand in the car the whole time, we were taking pics together, etc. It was cute and felt good. At one point I mentioned that I was going to portland alone. He and I joked a bit. He said something like “Oh, I’m free that weekend” and I was like “well you should come”. I say that kinda shit to people all the time, they never come. I just joke around. Well a few minutes later he said “Ok, I booked my flights”. So I guess now he’s coming to Portland with me.
Saturday I did a 40 mile bike ride with Frank. It was good to see him again and have him remind me of all the shit Charles did to me. But yet, I still want him. We talked about franks’ love life and stuff. Ate doughnuts, good times as usual.
After that I came home, napped for a bit and then Jun came over for a sleep over. We had an edible and watched a movie and cuddled. It felt good to be held again.
Sunday we got up and met up with Yan, Wingbing, Walter, Jun and myself. We all went for a hike in San Ramon area and it was fun. I hope that they all had fun. After that we had lunch and I came home for a nap. Yan called me later and asked if I would go look at a bike with him so we did that and then had dinner. He wants to bike with me, but I’m going to be way too fast for him.
Got home and just sat here watching TV. Hoping that Charles is seeing the same “photos memories” as me from our fort Bragg trip two years ago and he’s remembering all the good things about me.
Jim texted me at some point asking if I knew the Dunkin manager (I do). He asked if we were dating. I asked him how he knew that I knew the Dunkin manager. He said “My manager (Charles)”. WTF, why is Charles talking to his co-workers about who I know or don’t know.
Am I getting better, yes. Do I still miss him, yes. Am I living my life and trying to be happy. Yes. I’m good without you.
So, last night was a lot of fun.
Decided to go to steamworks, which was a good idea. 🙂 Got there, got my room and then just went to go walk around and see who was there… Well, I didn’t get very far! I walked to the back dark room area and there was some guy getting fucked on the bench and there was another hot guy standing in the corner jerking off. I brushed past the guy in the corner to go watch the bench guy. Watched the bench guy for a min and then turned around to see what the corner guy was doing by this time he was getting sucked by some other guy and I thought to myself “damn, missed on that”. As I walk past the corner guy brushed up on me, so I start making out with him. Then he moves over and starts fucking the guy that was sucking him while I keep making out with him. Anyway, corner guy and I end up going back to my room and spending the next two hours fucking, making out, Going out to the dark room area and having him fuck me there. SUPER fucking hot. He was such a good kisser and he had such a nice dick.
We ended up exchanging phone numbers and he already had me saved in his phone! Which is awk. But we never met up for some reason. Probably distance which is typical. We’re going to hang out Thursday night.
Jay and James hung out with Charles last night. I want to ask them what they talked about, what they did, how he’s doing, etc etc. But I’m resisting. I don’t care. I am doing my own thing. Making my own life. Having my own fun. He’s in the past, rear view mirror baby. I am finding someone who cares about me.. eventually
Which brings me to the meat of the topic… I HAVE GUYS CHASING ME. I mean, I think. But there’s these guys who are interested in hanging out with me, who seem to want to chat with me. It’s a good feeling but at the same time, none of them are really that interesting to me. The ones that are interesting to me, I don’t think things would ever actually work with them. I am just focused on trying to build friendships with them, see where that takes me and be a happier more confident version of myself!
But it feels good to get those “Hey sexy” or “good morning” messages. Something I could never get Charles to give me.
You deserve better.
You deserve someone who replies to your texts
You deserve someone who wants to txt you “At work, love you”
You deserve someone who replies to you “Thanks babe, YOU TOO”
You deserve someone who remembers your birthday
You deserve someone who will drive 2 hours to meet you for a night while on ALC
You deserve someone who comes home and wants to talk to you about your days
You deserve someone who encourages you to go out on hikes and other things
You deserve someone who wants to fuck your brains out
You deserve someone who tells you that you’re sexy AF
You deserve someone who appreciates you shopping for them
You deserve someone who accepts the way you do laundry and appreciates that it’s done for them
You deserve someone who can communicate their needs and wants
You deserve someone who can comprise and understand both sides in an argument
You deserve someone who can remember to take time off when you remind them about things
You deserve someone who can be on time to important events
You deserve someone who can do all of these things and more
Love you. You’re amazing, you deserve someone who sees that.