Chris' Site

I wish I could feel as WANTED as people seem to want Charles.

Everyone is in love with him, everyone goes out of their way to hang out with him. Over the weekend I got a random message on Reddit. Basically the person said that we had an ex in common. Obviously it had to be Charles, so I asked him. It was the guy he dated from 2011-2013. This ex from 11 years ago is still seeking him out, still in love with him.

Charles also admitted last week that Don said he was in love with him. Charles’ friends go out of their way to make time to hang out with him in his schedule. Serge (who first said he was going to kick him out) is now saying he’s going to give him a discount in rent to “help him with his college expenses”. Everyone wants to be with Charles, everyone wants to be around him, people go out of their way to spend time with him

He treats people like SHIT. He doesn’t reply to them, he ignores them, he doesn’t ask about their lives. It’s a recurring theme. That’s just how he is.

He texted me the other day and said “I had a dream about you” I replied. “that’s weird, I’ve been dreaming about you too.. What was your dream about”. He then told me what his dream was about, but never asked me what my dreams were about. Then we talked a little bit about our lives, but again, it was mostly about HIS life. Just like how when we were together, he didn’t ever ask about my life, or my day or how I was feeling.

He asked me for some advise on something. I wrote him a huuggeee reply with my advise. He didn’t even reply, didn’t say “thanks for the advise”. Just ignored me/it.

How do I get people to WANT to hang out with me, how do I get people to go out of their way to WANT To be with me. I think/look back to my time in LA and I used to have that, I had people fawning over me, wanting to hang out.

Kellie says, It’s not that they want to be his friend, is that’t that they just are lusting over him and want to fuck him. Mostly true. Most of these people who are all about Charles are just in love with him. Just want to fuck him.

I’m really starting to think this boat idea is a good idea. I’ve been putting a lot of effort into trying to figure out how to make it work. I’ve been starting to float it by people as ideas. Everyone so far has been supportive. Honestly, my biggest fear is just being there alone. But this guy on instagram who has a boat says that “getting a boat makes you a magnet” hahaha. Gays think you have a super power.

Just frustrating. I just want to be wanted. I still want Charles to want me. I want him to call me and just talk, just ask about my life. I want to be open with him about stuff going on. I want him to CARE about me. I want him to apologize still about how he treated me. He never will.

So last week I was in San Diego for a week long class of sailing. It was a very fun time but leaves me feeling a bit In my own head about it.

There was this old guy on the trip. We found out he was 87, his wife died 6 months ago. He’s taking the class because he wants to buy a sailboat and sail on his own. But he’s so old and weak he couldn’t really do anything. I spent a lot of time working with him to help him out.

It hurts seeing this. This old guy, trying to make one last hurrah in his life. Experience one last big thing. He told us some stories from his life and he’s had a pretty amazing life. Lived in Switzerland, some other cool places. No kids, just him and his wife of 65 years. He was a high school science teacher.

It really makes you think. I don’t want to end up being that. I want to live my life but I keep holding back. I’m scared at times to make those jumps. I don’t want to do them alone. But to really experience things, to see life, to see the world. You have to just jump.

I’m really on this kick. Quit my job by December. Buy a boat. Do something. I’m just not 100% sure WTF it will be.

And where does Kellie play into this. we sort of had that discussion this past weekend. Like, how can I make my dreams happen and he can still fulfill his dreams. How can we support each other, if we last that long.

And honestly, I’m not even sure this is what I want. WTF would make me feel fulfilled… What would make me happy every day to wake up and do. What about Astra? What would I do with her. Does she come on a boat with me? Do I spend all year on a boat, do I spend 6 months on boat and 6 on land. Do I buy into a charter program and spend 12 weeks on a boat in various places.

Would friends come and visit for a week or two at a time. If Kellie and I don’t make it, would I find a guy on the water?

I watched this 90 minute seminar from one of the YouTube people I watch. He basically was pushing this idea to just buy a boat, spend 6-12 months on it in a place like the Caribbean and see what it’s like. See if you LOVE it. If you don’t like it at the end, what would a year cost you on the boat? $60k-70k?

What about health insurance and my HIV meds? How/where would I pay for those.

What about all my JUNK!

The instructor for the class said I should seriously consider teaching. Maybe I can mesh that into my lifestyle. Could I foster kids while on a boat? What would I do to fill my days?

What if I am single.. Can I do this alone?

If Charles thought that I was anxious, boy has he not met a truly anxious person!

Spent this past weekend with Kellie which was 95% good. We had fun, we did some stuff. Did pottery class which was fun. I’m a natural apparently 😉

It was a very domestic weekend and was nice to have that. I ended up not going to the birthday party. Charles and I had a talk on Friday and it just kinda pissed me off. At one point he said something like “some things just never change” and he was right. Some things just never change. He doesn’t reply to texts, doesn’t follow through with what he says he will do and I get annoyed by it. So what’s the point. Also, I just don’t think that I could have been around Don and Eric for that long.

I found out that Charles planned himself a SECOND birthday dinner for Monday night. And that kinda just made me feel like shit. Here he is able to plan HIMSELF two whole birthday parties but when it came to me, he couldn’t even be bothered to take the day off, much less PLAN something. So I called Jay and he and I talked then ended up going to lunch which ended up getting drunk for the afternoon. Blah blah blah. Lots of stuff.

So yeah, Weekend with Kellie was good. There was ONE thing where one of my friends RANDOMLY texted me (no context, nothing) “How is Charles’ dick?”. And Kellie just HAPPENED to be holding my phone at the time, so he got kinda annoyed by that. Understandable. But it was a bit MORE of a response then really should have happened. IE he just wouldn’t drop it when I told him. “I don’t know why my friend is asking me this” and “NO we haven’t been talking about Charles’ dick before”.

So yeah, overall good weekend with Kellie

Then, I came home back to Concord on Tuesday…. Tuesday night we talked and something stupid came up, we got into a little argument and he was like “ok, let’s hang up and start this over”. So we hung up and started it over and we were just talking about random stuff. He mentioned he had gone to CVS and bought toothpaste and floss and what not. I asked him “Oh, how often do you floss” or something along those lines. Which he just immediately took as “oh, you’re saying my breath stinks”. It just escalated to a point where I was hella annoyed.

Wednesday night. I had a splitting headache and was going to go to bed at 8:30pm. So I called him just to say goodnight. But my friend Glenn called a bit before that and said he was going to Vegas the last weekend in March asking me if I wanted to go. I cannot go because I’m in San Diego that same weekend.

But. It’s just funny and such a coincidence that Charles is also going to be in Vegas that same weekend. I mentioned this to Kellie and he got all pissed off because I knew that Charles was going to be there and that I “remember” this kind of stuff about him and blah blah blah blah. And then started asking all these questions about how often I talk to him Ugh. I just got so annoyed. I am so sick of just LITTLE ass shit that I mention setting him off.

His argument is “what am I not allowed to react” and honestly, yes you can REACT to things that are fucking IMPORTANT. But me remembering that Charles is going to Vegas for a weekend IS NOT SOMETHING THAT REQUIRED ANY REACTION AT ALL. I remember he was going because when I asked him if he could watch astra, he said “No, I’m going to be in Vegas” so it’s not that fucking hard for me to remember something like that. But then Kellie was all “Well why do you have to remember that”. WHY? I don’t CHOOSE what I remember, I just REMEMBER.

I finally had it, we keep having these small ass arguments over some TINY thing that I said. Still while writing this, I question what on EARTH in his mind set him off to be upset because I remembered that my ex was going to a certain place on a specific weekend. Why does that even matter?

I told him, Kellie, I cannot do this, I cannot keep having these arguments over some stupid thing that I say. I cannot be filtering everything I say. So I hung up.

Then he posted some passive aggressive BS to instagram which says: “Every time I addressed something that bothered me, I became the problem”.

He texted me at like 1am saying “I’m sorry”. We talked a little bit this morning he says sorry, he is working on it. But honesty if this keeps up, I cannot.

He brought up the fact that “oh you let Charles get away with so much while you were together but every little thing I do annoys you”. NO, it’s that every little thing _I_ say sets you off and instantly changes your mood. Which then impacts ME and how I feel.

It’s just FRUSTRATING. We’re only 3 months into dating. We’re not even OFFICIAl boyfriends yet. We’re just fucking “exclusive” and there should not be this MANY problems already. There should not be this many arguments, discussions, etc. I should be able to be free to talk about things, have my feelings, remember shit.

I am honestly a bit jealous of what Charles is doing with his boys. He’s got the best of both worlds. He’s basically dating Don, but he’s also still fucking boys on grindr.

Speaking of, I saw one of his cousin’s instagram stories from his Monday Birthday, Don looks like me. It really bothered me that he’s already introducing this guy to his family and seeing him sit next to Charles. Ugh. It was tough. It did really convince me that I did the right thing by not going on Saturday. If just seeing a STORY upset me that much, imagine seeing him in PERSON.

Anyway, long enough post. Things with Kellie are rocky… We shall see what becomes of that.

Was going to write a lot but just not in the mood right now.

Kellie is anxious but we’re working on it and he’s aware of the issue. He went and got me Starbucks sunday which was SUPER cute.

Charles invited me to his birthday party. I texted him to confirm I’m going and he’s just ignored it.

Just feeling BLAH. I hate working, but I don’t know WTF I’m doing with life either.

Maybe it’s me. Maybe Charles was right and I’m the one who starts all the fights, who complains too much. Expects too much?

I dunno, this past weekend was good but Kellie and I got into two more arguments about stupid stuff. Friday we got into a big argument before he even got here. I had gone out with Jay and James and of course the main point of discussion was Charles. All this Charles talk, hearing about him and his boys, it still upsets me. (more on that later). But I got home from the meetup and talked to Kellie a bit before he came up and of course he got all anxious about it and I got annoyed he was being anxious. This all just spiraled into an annoyance and an argument. Thankfully he called me and we talked about things but I was still pretty pissed about just everything in general. It basically ruined our entire Friday night.

Then Saturday we did glass blowing and had a super fun time. After we went to lunch and we were talking more about Charles. He said something along the lines of how Charles is avoidant and I should have seen the red flags from the start and I said something like “well you have red flags too, should I just give up on you” and that of course started another argument.

The good thing is that Kellie and I can TALK about them, apologize to each other, share how we feel and what happened. However, I’m worried that with these arguments already so early on. Is it going to ruin our relationship long term. Is it already building any sort of resentment. Like this morning he asked “can I call you, it’s not because I’m clingy, it’s just cause I want to hear your voice this morning”. Like him saying tings like that, it’s just a little…. IDK, weird? Why is he SAYING he’s not clingy.

I am starting to question myself, AM I OVER CHARLES ENOUGH to really be able to give Kellie what he needs. I try to be, but as you can see. Charles just keeps being a big point of discussion all around for things.

Or Maybe Kellie is right and I just need to completely exclude anyone who has connections with Charles. This is what he’s pushing for.

I also was pretty pissed because I had tried to get Jay & James to hang out this past weekend so that they could meet Kellie. They said No because James was working. But then they were able to make time to go hang out with Charles and his boy Don. Just makes me feel a certain way. And it’s the second time that’s happened now. Last time was they hung out with Charles and Anthony on a day when I had asked them too.

And that also brings up other thoughts and problems. Like Charles has ALL THESE PEOPLE wanting to hang out with him. Jay, James, Don, Anthony, Serge, Eric, etc. He seems to be able to just call any one of these people and they jump to hang out with him. They make plans to hang out with him. But here I sit most night still with no one to really hang out with. I dunno. Just frustrates me on multiple levels, Not only that he can do that and has these people who will just show up at a moments notice for him. But apparently now he’s going out and doing all this other stuff that I’d always wanted him to do but he was always “TOO TIRED” after work to do anything. And IE today, it’s a fucking TUESDAY and he has at least two of us fighting over his time today.

After Charles and I broke up, I tried to start making better deeper connections with friends. But it just seems to not work for me. IE Matt, it’s always ME asking him to hang out. Same with most of my “friends”. I just feel like they don’t want to hang out and it’s a one way street for me.

I ran into Serge at the gym yesterday as well and we ended up hanging out for 3 hours having beers and talking. Come to find out that the company he works for is a vendor that my company uses so we talked a lot about that. Spent some time talking about Charles but very little. He said Charles has been “grey” lately which is the same way Jay described him.

So this comes to my next biggest thing is that now apparently Charles is like MR planner and wanting to do stuff. He’s apparently planning a little day trip to San Jose for his birthday, he’s planning a weekend in PV for Pride. And who knows what else. He’s able to plan things with Jay & James. He’s able to go out after work and do stuff. But when we were together he was too tired to go out a lot of the time. He was too busy to plan ahead or think ahead and do trips, he couldn’t take Time off work. It’s just frustrating hearing him doing this stuff that I BEGGED him to do when we were together.

It’s also frustrating to hear him doing this stuff and I’m not part of the inclusions any more. For two years we did everything together. And now, I am just missing out on doing those things with him.

Am I over him enough, can I move on. How should I proceed.