Fights, travels, friends.

Hmmm, not even sure where to start right now. A lot has happened, a lot I want to write about but at the same time, I don’t want to really talk about it again.

Let’s start off with Cody, we’ve hung out a few times since Toad Hall, he’s super cute, very smart, I love his communication and the way he thinks about things. But he’s got a LOT of problems, personally. We will see where things go. I am happy to know him so far but we will just see.

Second, Charles. He messaged me randomly the other day. He’s doing a presentation at school about HIV. I asked him, “How did you end up with this topic”.. He replied with “You inspired me…. Another person choose HIV as their topic before me and I was so furious”… WTF. Like I’m glad he’s learning about it and everything but.. I dunno.

Also, Charles caused a HUGE fight between Derik and I, well not directly but there was a lot of other stuff going on. I don’t really want to get into the details of it. But basically we spent two hours SCREAMING at each other. Cody was in the apartment while it was all going down, he tried to help moderate but that didn’t go over well.

I decided we needed time apart so I came down to San Diego to hang out with Hut and Sean.

I met up with Bryan while I was in LA. That was a good time and we talked about a lot of random stuff. He gave me a lot of good advice and I honestly wish I had that knowledge in my life more often. I wish I had an older Gay friend who is closer so that I can get advice. I feel like I am always the one going and giving advice to people.

I really want to go on this Belize trip. But no one seems to be able to commit/go with. So annoying.

Feeling a bit down

Been feeling a bit down the last week or so. Hopefully I can kick it out soon and get back to normal.

I had LASIK and it’s amazing to be able to see normally without glasses/etc.

I haven’t been on many dates lately. Went out with this one guy Jacob who ended up being super awk and not my type at all. Been chatting with a bunch of guys but nothing super interesting.

I am kicking Jaime to the curb. We met Tuesday night and had dinner/sex. I told him that I was getting LASIK on Thursday and how nervous I was, etc. I didn’t hear from him again until last night. He texted me that he had been in LA. I know it’s still early, but the lack of communication is just not cool for me. He knew how nervous I was for LASIK, he couldn’t even bother to ask how it went. Even Charles messaged asking how it went.

Mark is in Europe until Nov 28th so I won’t see him for a while. We will see what happens when he gets back. This past weekend I just kinda hung out with people. Dinner Friday night with Derik and Thomas, ALC ride Saturday (which was fucking amazing), Toad Hall Saturday night with people, date Sunday.

Oh! Speaking of Toad hall, a couple things. 1) Cody came with us to Toad Hall! He’s super cute but has WAY too much energy for me. I don’t think tings will happen between us. But we will see. We came home to my place and had drunken sex. But when I told him about my status he freaked out and said he was scared, etc. I sent him the same list of links that I had put together for Charles. He spent the night and I walked him back to his apartment the next morning. We held hands the whole way there. 2) Charles messaged me while we were out and about and he said “TFTI”.

It’s weird, like when he and I were going out, he didn’t seem to ever want to get drunk around me, he didn’t want to go out with me. When we would hang out, we’d drink but he’d always be very caution about how much he drank. We chatted a bit that night but nothing serious. I sent him a message sunday morning and he still hasn’t even read it.

I still am down about all that honestly. I know I said I won’t write more about him but, I still miss him. I still think about him every day. I still want to see his face popup with a random phone call just to chat. I still think about all those times and everything that happened between us. How it felt so perfect, how it felt things were finally moving forward an then in 24 hours, it all changed.

The house officially sells today, I’m a bit torn on that too. I went up there Friday and locked up for the last time.

You’re Trash

Dating sucks…. Went on that date with Paolo and we had scheduled a second date for Sunday to go hiking. He ghosted me, until last night. I get a text message from him saying “You could have told me you were HIV+” . I replied to him that it was in my profile, he said something like “I might not have read your whole profile, you can’t hold that against me”. WTF. _YOU_ can’t hold it against ME! Not my fault you didn’t read and understand what you were getting into. He then went on to call me “trash” multiple times for not disclosing to him and for not being more apologetic about it. Asshole.

Honestly, fuck him. I am amazing. I am the most caring person in the world, I am smart, adventurous, have a nice job, a cute dog. I will do anything for the person I love. So fuck him.

I send a screenshot to Charles and we started talking a bit. He said “I hope all is well else wise”. I replied “Well, I’m still mending a broken heart”. He replied “It hasn’t exactly been easy for me either”. or something like that. I told him to call me if he needs to talk. I really want to know what’s up with that. He should be happy. He got what he wanted, he got Eric. I wonder what is up.

This past weekend was amazing though, minus the trash guy. Friday night we met up with Pastor Mark, went to first Fridays and then he invited me to some house party. The party was great but I got WAY too drunk and ended up puking once I got home. There was this SUPER cutie named Cody there. But drunk ass me failed to get his phone number. Mark gave Cody his number, but Cody hasn’t texted him yet. 🙁 a missed connection.

Saturday I was super hung over and was supposed to go biking but ended up just lounging around the house all morning. Went out on a date with sailing mark that evening and it was good. We saw My Fair Lady which honestly I slept through the entire second half.

Mark is really cute, very sweet and a great guy but I am just not feeling that “spark”. We had sex a few nights ago and it was nice, but not that great. When I see him, I don’t want to just make out with him and hold him, the way I did with Charles. I don’t have that want to text him or be with him constantly. But maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe this is what a comfortable relationship is. I’m not sure. I also don’t like how much he does weed/drinks. But he’s young and that’s what young guys do.

Calvin messaged me a couple weeks ago about coming to visit in December. I was honestly really excited for it, to see him again in person after 5 years. See if we can be closer friends and maybe start hanging out again. I miss him every day in my life and I really wanted to see if we could finally reconnect on more then just a random text level. He messaged me yesterday that it wasn’t going to work out. I am pretty sad about that. I was really looking forward to seeing him in person again.

Why are you single?

I posted a thirst trap on insta today. You know many of the standard replies of “oh you’re so hot” blah blah blah. A couple guys with the “why are you single?!”

Jesus. I wish I knew, maybe they can tell me? I wish someone would fucking tell me? Why do I keep getting dumped, why do I keep getting passed up?

This one guy (Mark, I have WAY too many Marks in my life!) he and I went on a few dates pre-pandemic. he’s filipino, nurse, HIV+, super cute, into travel, etc. I was really into him back then but he clearly wasn’t into me at all. So we fell apart and don’t really talk any more. He was one of the guys who messaged me about “oh you’re so hot” and we started chatting and he was like “hopefully 2022 will bring you your guy” and then he said something about “I’m just waiting to snag the right guy”. I wanted to be like, well what was wrong with ME!? Why did you reject me?

I’ve been on a few dates since Charles dumped me. Every time I am just comparing them to him. Every day I just think about him, wishing he would text me. When I wake up, he’s still the first thing on my mind. I’ve noticed he’s been posting a lot of stories on insta lately, but I’m using all my will power to not look at them.

I picked back up with Mark and he and I have hung out a few times but honestly I don’t see it going anywhere. I enjoy his company but he’s just not that interesting to me.

Went out with this guy Jaime twice now, he’s ok. Cute Viet guy, poz, mostly bttm, into the outdoors, hiking, but has some major personal issues he’s trying to overcome. We will see if anything else comes of it.

Had a hiking date with this guy Hugo, he complained that the 2.5 mile hike we went on was too exhausting.

Met this cutie Paolo, we are gonna have a second date Sunday.

Met up with Pastor Mark last night. He’s so sweet and kind, he dropped off cookies and we ended up chatting for an hour. It was a really great chat. If only I could find someone like him who’s SINGLE.

Maybe I’m just being too picky. My therapist said I needed someone to set the bar for where I’m happy and content. Charles did that but I feel he set the bar high. It’s going to be tough for someone else to fill that.

Derik says I need to go for more dom guys. I mostly agree with that, but good luck finding me a Dom asian guy who is into me. Rav was the closest I came to that and he also passed me up.

One last post about him

I just cannot get him off my mind. This always happens anytime I am dumped. I always hyper focus on them and can’t get past it. This has to be the last post, the move on point. It’s been almost two weeks. He hasn’t reached out, he hasn’t replied to any of my instagram stories, he hasn’t called. He never will again.

I was getting past it, I was moving on and then yesterday our cycling group rode right past his house. It of course brought up so much in my mind. Is he home, is Eric there with him. etc etc.

I think about him constantly, I saw the red flags though, why didn’t I listen. He told me about 3 or 4 guys in the past couple years who have fallen in love with him and he broke their hearts. When he and I first started hanging out there was this guy that would call him constantly, text him non-stop. Charles had just broken that guys heart. Now he was onto mine. I should have listened to myself, those jokes I made, they were true. Not just jokes I guess. I was really hoping that this one would actually last, that something would finally stick to me.

Was there ever a chance for us? I’ve told the story to a couple people and they all say he’s an asshole, he knew what he was doing. They said he was using me to make Eric jealous. So that Eric would dump his bf and then they could be together. I don’t believe it. I believe Charles had feelings, I believe he cared about me. Did he shed any tears over the past 1.5 weeks for me? Does he think about me at all? Do I cross his mind and he wonders if I will text him?

What I can’t get over is just how quickly it changed. How Monday night we hung out, we had plans for the rest of the week. How he texted me Tuesday morning “do you want to carve pumpkins later this week”. Then Wed, it was all over. Everything was gone.

I wish he would message me “Hiiiii” again. I wish I could feel his arms around me. I wish he would reply to an instagram story and we could talk again. I wish he would just show up at my front door, saying he cares about me.

I question myself all the time, did I not move fast enough for him. Did he just settle for Eric because he wanted a relationship and I wasn’t moving fast enough for him to get there. Did he have self doubts about “Is Chris too goood for me”; “Will chris just dump me for the next best thing”. Cause I can tell you that’s not who I am. That’s not what I was looking for. I remember early on in our “dating” that he asked me when my last date was. It was the day before, I had taken Mark sailing. I told him, because of course I am honest. But that was the last date I ever went on when I was dating Charles. I saw in his eyes that it hurt him to hear that. So I stopped going on dates. I didn’t want to hurt him at all.

That weekend in Fort Bragg, I wanted to ask him to be my boyfriend. It had been one month of us hanging out, of us seeing each other nearly every day. But I didn’t want to move “too fast”. Is one month too fast? I honestly have no idea.

I should have seen it all though. I should have stepped back. There were multiple red flags. At the wedding, he texted me ‘I wish you were here’. But then he invite Eric instead. He went to that comedy show, had an extra ticket. He invited Eric instead. He was planning a halloween party at his house, he invited Eric instead. Him and Eric were already planning a road trip together for Thanksgiving. Eric was always #1 from the first day I met him. I should have seen it. I should have never gotten as close as I did to Charles.

But yet, I still just want him to call me. I want to see his face pop up on my phone, hear his voice, smell his body, see his smile again. I wake up and the first thing I think it “Maybe he messaged me something overnight”. I look at my phone and I’m disappointed every day. I know he will never text me. I know he will never again reach out. I told him I needed space. He’s going to give me space. But I want to just fight for him. But that looks desperate.

I wish him the best life. I want him to be happy. But I also just want my happy ending. I want to be the one that ends up with the guy at the end of the movie. But instead, I’m in the never ending movie of just getting dumped and let down.

It makes me go back to people like Glenn, again did I just not move fast enough. We were going well before Christmas. I left, I come back and suddenly he’s dating someone else. They are still together. Same with Ranie and who knows who else.

I watched this YouTube the other day about this couple that had just completed a 4 year circumnavigation of the globe. They were doing a Q&A and one of the questions was “What’s the best thing about sailing around the globe” and their reply was “The amount of time you get to spend with your partner alone”. That’s so fucking cute. That after 4 years living together on a tiny boat. Spending 20 or 30 days at a time on the open sea with just the two of them, they still love each other and care about each other so much that the best thing about it was the TIME they got together. I just want to find that guy. That guy that wants to spend that much time with me.

I was excited about Charles because he was wanting to spend so much time with me. He even sent me his schedule that week and I said “wow this is a great schedule” an he said: “I have to consider you now”. That’s so fucking sweet. He MADE his work schedule purposely so that he could have more time to spend with me. And then suddenly it was all over.