Lonely but Beautiful

That’s what I tell everyone right now when they ask “How is The Bahamas?”… It’s lonely, but beautiful.

I’ve learned that this lifestyle, at least alone, is not for me. Being alone all day, not having anyone to hang out with, talk too, etc. It’s not what I want. In fact, I never WANTED to do this alone, I’ve said that a million times before. But I did it this year cause I felt it was time to just go.

I arrived in Bimini just over a week ago. Spent a while there while waiting for the weather to change… Was at this nice anchorage called “Gun Cay”. The water was crystal clear, there were sharks and rays. I saw a grouper and lots of other little fish. Did some snorkeling every day, walked astra on the beach. There was this lighthouse that I wanted to hike too but never did figure out HOW to get there.

On Friday the forecast said that I should have some light winds that I could at least sail in. So we decided to leave.. Ended up never getting those winds and just motored the whole way to Great Harbor (Berry Islands). It was 17 hours straight of motoring, long boring, flat waters. The waters were again, crystal clear and beautiful. But on that long trip, I just was constantly worried about stuff. Like “what’s that sound, is the engine OK” or constantly looking at the charts and wondering, “can I cut early and get some wind. But there’s these rocks it says, how deep are the rocks”. Just stuff like that.

Spent most of the time reading books and watching movies I had downloaded. Got to the anchorage about 1am. Set the anchor which went much smoother then I expected. Every time I have to set anchor I am still so nervous about it. AM I getting to close to shore, am I getting too close to other boats, is there enough room to swing around, is the water too shallow, will the anchor hold. About 30 minutes before we get here, I can feel my adrenaline kick in, my heart starts beating hard. Hopefully it will get easier. It also doesn’t help that my low water alarm goes off constantly at like 5′. I found out that I can get down to about 3′ before I really need to worry.

I’m going to be stuck here in Great Harbor for a while. I’m debating how long to stay. I need to get to Nassau by Christmas to pick up my parents. As I sit here writing this, there’s a big black cloud on the horizon and I’m debating if it’ll be safe to take astra to shore for her potty or is this rain going to move in and strand us. There’s just so many little things like that that are nerve wracking on this trip. So many variables I always need to be conscious of. The wind, the rain, the waves, am I on the lee side of the island, am I in the right spot, etc etc.

I met this family the other day. It was refreshing to hear some of their story. They too were just starting this journey. Had just moved on board, were still learning and figuring things out. They had left Miami and it took them 18hours to get to Bimini. They were on the way to George Town.

I wish that I had a partner here to help take off some of those worries, to help think about things like the weather. So that all the pressure wasn’t on me all the time. To help bow watch while I drive. To go snorkeling with so that I feel safer in the water.

But this is a good way for me to build my confidence, to re-learn to trust myself and my decisions in life.

Thanksgiving was sad. Again, all alone. Kellie and Charles both chatted with me that day which was nice. Lots of other friends texted but few called. Maybe I need to start being more aggressive and just call people and talk to them. I’ve also resigned the idea that Charles will ever come visit the boat. There’s just no way it’s going to happen.

And of course, couldn’t get away from a post without a talk of boys. I’ve been chatting/video calling this guy in the Philippines for a few weeks now. We talk every day, video call and chit-chat. He’s fucking sexy AF and has 40k+ followers on instagram. I don’t get why he’s talking to me. But whatever. Just enjoying the moment.

Ok. I have to go walk astra, she’s starting to be bitchy. lol.

I’ve arrived in Bimini

I’ve arrived in Bimini. The passage over was actually really nice. Waves weren’t too bad, winds were perfect. Sailed the whole way here which was amazing.

Got here and went to go check in. Took the dinghy the 1.5 miles to where I needed to go. Got there and it died on me again…

Went and checked in, which was super easy and I got my 90 day visa.

Came back to dinghy and it wouldn’t start. So I asked the dock if they knew anyone that could come fix it. they called some guy and he said he’d been here in 30 minutes. Well I wanted over an hour and no fucking show. Was super annoyed. I wanted to get here, check in and then take astra for a walk along the city, get a nice dinner, have a drink. Relax! But no, fucking dinghy had to cause problems.

So I got it working well enough that I could get back to then boat. I’ve now spent ALL FUCKING day today working on the damn thing. Replaced the carb, replaced the spark plugs, broke the pull string so had to fix that which was another disaster. I’m just so fucking over shit not working right. I know boat life is just “always doing projects” but fuck this. I want a dinghy that WORKS CORRECTLY. I have to rely on it to get to and from shore. It’s my daily commuter car.

Just so frustrated. I just want to have fun.. I want to enjoy this time here instead now I’m stressing over the damn dinghy. And I feel bad for astra cause she wants to go ashore, as do I.

In other news, a fucking speed boat went past me as I was putting dishes away, causing ALL MY FUCKING pottery bowls that I made with kellie to fall out of the cabinet and break everywhere. Fucking pissed about the as well.

Then Charles, I’m annoyed that he doesn’t pick up the phone and just say “hey, how are you” or text me or anything like that. Like we’re supposed to be friends, you’re supposed to care about me, But not a peep

I just feel isolated. I want to just go home to my friends. I want to cuddle with someone for the night. I want to have someone here to share this experience with. I want someone to help make those hard decisions. Someone to bounce ideas off.

What the fuck am I doing here.

TRUMP again?!

Fuck this country. Voted for fucking TRUMP again. I cannot believe this. I was hoping to be posting an exciting post bout how Kamala won and we’re all excited for the future. But now I’m just going to spend the next 4 years stressed out.

I’m pissed at Biden/Garland for failing to prosecute Trump when they could. That fat fuck should be in Jail right now for all the shit he’s done.

I just cannot fathom how anyone can be supportive of these people.

Sailing life has been hard… I’m missing home. I’m missing going out with friends. I’m missing Charles.

He and I talked the other day and he’s off dating someone new again. He says he thinks he’s ready now. This guy is POZ and he was telling me about how his viral load spiked recently. In the three years we were together, do you think he ever asked me about my viral load or we discussed my doctor appts. But here he is apparently learnt his lesson.

I’m tired of being a lesson for these guys. I want a guy who’s going to grow together with me. Not grow FROM me.

But I question maybe I am too much of the problem. Charles said once in anger that I am the one who always “started” the fights. Probably true, they started because I pushed for what I wanted out of him. But maybe I just need to work on accepting him/them for themselves.

Same with Kellie. The whole notes thing, his new job, etc. Maybe I pushed him too much and should have just accepted him doing notes all the time. Maybe I should have just accepted him not being out.

But those are things (same with Charles and working at Chipotle)… I don’t want a husband/bf who’s CONSTANTLy tied to his job. Who can’t spend quality time with me at home…

Speaking of. It’s very frustrating also hearing about Charles traveling so much now that he is not managing at work and he’s in school… I wish he had got into school then first go around. Maybe that would have changed things and made it better. Who knows. His work and constantly inability to go anywhere was another huge problem in our relationships.

Anyway, sailing life. It’s tough. I am scared of being lonely all the time. I am scared of missing out on things back home. I am sad that I can’t just go to powerhouse whenever I want. I am sad that I cannot just go get Thai food or whatever anywhere. I am sad that I can’t just hang out with friends randomly.

I feel like I am already missing out on so much and is this worth it. Is this journey worth missing those other things. This is goin to be an amazing experience. (I hope) this is going to teach me so much. This is going to increase my confidence (I HOPE)!

I have this guy Kyle sailing with me right now and he was telling me about this friend he had that did the same thing. He only lasted 5 months alone in the bahamas. I hope I can last longer.

I wish I had someone that loved me here. But it is what it is. I have astra.

Good luck to me, good luck to America.

Single again and Boat Life

Single again… Kellie came to visit me in Annapolis and there were just a lot of little issues that I couldn’t deal with any more. Basically since Greece things have been kinda on an edge. I care about him but there was just too much animosity from all the arguing and other little things. I don’t really want to say much but I’m sad it’s over and based on how I feel overall, it was def the right decision for me. I wish him the best. I wish things had been different. But it just wasn’t the right time.

Boat life has been a lot of fucking work. Boat vendors are really really frustrating to me. No one can show up on time, no one can do the work they promise on time. Nothing happens quickly at all. IE I ordered a washer/dryer 8 weeks ago. They shipped me a fucking DISHWASHER. Now they have the washer/dryer but saying they cannot get to installation until next week. WTF. So annoying.

Astra is getting better at boat living. But she still hates when we start the engines. Will be really interesting to see what happens when we start to sail and get into some waves!

I question if this was the right thing to do every day, tbh. I am feeling more isolated already. I feel that there are people when I was in SF that I used to talk to every day that are now barely replying to me.

Charles sent me some songs the other day. They still brought tears to my eyes even though we’ve both prob played them 100’s of times over the course of our relationship and in the year since. What does it mean that a year later, he still makes me cry sometimes.

A pretty rough update

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, to be honest it’s been hella busy and stressful with everything that’s going on.

Went to Greece and had a great time but Kellie and I fought a lot about stupid stuff. One day Kellie was sitting next to me and Charles was texting about Astra. Kellie saw and got up and walked away and went and sat on the other side of the boat. Clearly he was annoyed. He sat there and kinda pouted for hours. Finally we all went to bed and he just sat up there. We started texting and it was pretty nasty. I was hella annoyed that he acted kinda like a child in that situation. There were a few other times too where he was just being overly childish about things.

The trip overall was fun. But just the amount of arguing on the trip really pissed me off. We didn’t have sex once (we did however have a threesome, with some Mexican in Paris!).

Once we got back, it was just a whirlwind of packing and moving. We still didn’t have sex before I left. I was just too annoyed with him overall to want to have sex. Since I left, we haven’t fought but I have been just slightly annoyed with him. We’re going to see each other this weekend so let’s see how it goes.

Drove to Iowa, spent some time there. Things were fine. I was a bit annoyed with Randy and Zach, I texted them and asked if they were free one weekend. They replied that they were busy but never offered another day or followed up with a day that would work for them to meet up. So that was a bit of a let down. I just feel like when people do that, it means they aren’t really that into hanging out with you. I didn’t bother following up with them and neither of them have reached out since.

From there, drove to South Carolina with Dad…. We got HELLA lucky. We left the day before hurricane hit and got stuck on the freeway for about 6 hours just outside of Asheville. Thank GOD it was ONLY 6 hours. The whole time I was sitting there, I was so frustrated and pissed off that we were stuck, but TBH we got really lucky and I’m grateful that it was ONLY 6 hours in hindsight. I also feel like we got lucky that we stopped because after we drove through the areas that were closed, there were trees down everywhere, cars blown off the road, etc. Part of the interstate we had passed by got completely washed out.

Dad was here in SC with me for a week. I’m very grateful for his help but it’s a bit embarrassing sometimes the way he interacts with people. IE we went to a restaurant and this young girl was the host… She told us it was a 90 minute wait and my dad said something (I forget) and then put his hand on her shoulder. and I just wanted to be like “Dad, you cannot TOUCH people like that”.. Another night we went to this gas station to get ice cream. There was a young girl working the register by herself and dad said to her “here by yourself tonight”. And again, I just wanted to yell. “DAD, You cannot say stuff like that”. He just says very inappropriate stuff, but I know he thinks he’s just being friendly/joking/etc and he doesn’t see the harm in it.

Anyway, while he was here we did a lot of projects on the boat. The biggest one was installing the water maker. I had got a quote for installing it for $5,000. I was like, no way am I gonna spend that much. But TBH, I sort of wished we had spent that money now. LOL. It was frustrating AF. We spent probably 3 days JUST trying to decide where to put it… We made 2-3 trips to various stores every day to buy parts/etc for it. There were probably two times I wanted to just throw the fucking thing in the water and say FUCK IT. But now it’s installed, I’m mostly happy with it. So that’s good. This boat life though is costing me a LOT more then I expected, mostly cause I’m just trying to outfit the boat, buying lots of random stuff, paddle boards, scooters, etc. Hopefully once I get off the dock it’ll be much cheaper.

Speaking of getting off the dock. Basically leave in less than a month. And I have NO CLUE where I am going. Some people say go to the north of the Bahamas to start, other people say go to the south to start. I just don’t know what to do! There’s too many options, too much information. People say “don’t have a plan” but I at least have to have a general idea of where to go. I dunno. I’m just getting a bit nervous about it all and going alone, etc.