Author: Cj B

Docking here is a bitch. And doing it alone is fucking hard.

I decided to move to the Marina yesterday. It was a rough day. Seas were rough, wind was right on our nose all day. Lots of bouncing around. Took 5 hours to go 20 miles. I really think these props that were put on in Fort Lauderdale are either under sized or not pitched right. I just feel like we don’t get the propulsion out of them that we should be seeing.

The marina had sent me a map of where I was going and it looked like a nice easy spot to get into. From satellite images it looks nice and wide, easy to just make a right and then a left right into the slip. But when I arrived here the current was ripping and the wind was blowing like crazy. Just in Neutral I was moving 2MPH (which is very fast for a sailboat!) I tried to make the right hand turn into the channel and I just kept slipping fast and fast. I nearly ran into a huge Catamaran. I yelled over to the dock hands and said there’s no way I can make it in there myself.

So they moved me to an end slip, I go down there and try to dock and couldn’t get the boat on the dock, the current just kept pushing me and pushing me. The dock hand yelled over and said, let it slide back and then come forward. Well, the problem with that is that behind me, where the current is pushing me there’s a big ass sunken cargo ship, prob 100′ away. To my left is a reef.

I slide back as far as I was comfortable and then had to power hard forward into the current to try and get onto the dock. Now for some reason, no idea why, I am being pushed ONTO the dock. My boat slams onto the dock of course missing all the fenders I had out. I throw the bow line and stern line to the dock hands and they tell me to get the bow off the dock and move forward more. I try and try to get the bow off but for some reason I just can’t get it off. Everything I do seems to just push it onto the dock harder and harder.

Finally we just get it tied off. But where I am there’s all these fucking speed boats that go flying by creating huge wakes, tossing me onto the dock. I have every fender out I have and yet it seems to be not enough. The boat just keeps hitting the piling on the dock.

The dock master said he wants to move me on Thursday to the slip I’m supposed to be in. But I just don’t have the confidence to do it. And then what if I get in there on Thursday then I have to somehow get OUT of there again Monday. Is it worth it?

I woke up at 2am this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. I just kept thinking over and over, how can I do this better. How can I get in and out of there. If there were no current, it wouldn’t be a problem. But I watched the tides this morning and it seems there’s like ZERO slack tide times. It just switches from going fast one way to fast the other way.

I laid there in bed last night, just thinking of all the disasters that could happen of me trying to get into or out of that slip…

Yesterday was good… I spent an hour looking for my watch but couldn’t find it. Found a lobster instead which was kinda cool.

I got invited to dinner on another boat. Family with 5 kids. They were super nice. The kids are fun. They made steak bowls and some dessert which was amazing.

I was hella nervous about going over there but it ended up being a lot of fun.

Going to try and move the boat today to the marina but super nervous about docking in a new marina I’ve never been too….

Also, today could have been three years.

Well, yesterday was a nice day. I went to the city walked around. Saw some sights. Had a good time.

Got back to the dinghy, dinghy back to the boat. Was hooking the dinghy up to the hoist and a heard a “plop”. Looked around and didn’t notice anything missing, so wasn’t sure what it was.

Got on the boat, was petting astra and realized. “FUCK! MY WATCH”

I lost my fucking watch in the water.

Then last night the winds came back stronger then ever. Fucking BLEW all night long. Fucking annoying. I barely slept.

My therapist said I need to journal every day. Write about the good things happening on this trip…. That was on Wed and so far I cannot find one good thing over the past three days to report on.

I have seriously been stuck ON THE BOAT for three days now. I left once yesterday to take astra to the beach cause she refuses to pee on the boat. But it was a nightmare. We’re in this little cove trying to hide out from this passing storm front. Winds are blowing non-stop 25-30MPH. The waves in this little cove even have small white caps on them.

I don’t want to be stuck on this fucking boat this long. I have nothing to entertain me. I keep looking at the same three websites over and over.

Trying to figure out what to do with the boat long term. Researching how to get it to the BVI’s and that sounds just too daunting to me.

But then I read these journals about people who have done the trip and the amazing Turks & Caicos, Puerto Rico, the DR. Places that would be amazing to visit. But maybe just better to fly there and visit by land.

This storm is supposed to last until Monday/Tuesday. I do not want to be fucking on the boat until then. I was really looking forward to moving to a marina on Monday but if these winds keep up, I cannot do that! The forecast is for 10′ waves on Monday! I cannot move the boat in waves like that.

I just want to go home.

Cross post from Reddit… https://www.reddit.com/r/AskGaybrosOver30/comments/1h9hce4/i_messed_up_by_moving_onto_a_boat_and_dont_know/

I’ve been dreaming of living on a sailboat for years (10+ that I can remember), during COVID I finally took the plunge and learned how too sail. I did a 2 charters a year since then loved it (French Polynesia, USVI, BVI, San Diego/Catalina Island). I chartered a boat in SF bay at least once a month to gain experience.

Over the past year, my partner and I broke up. I got laid off from my job. I took a sailing class and there was this guy that was 78 and told us how he’d dreamt his whole life about living on a boat and sailing around, but life always got in the way and now he’s too old to do it.

I said “f&$* it, let’s go”. I could financially afford to not work for a year, I could afford a boat. I was going to take this year and sail The Bahamas, figure out what’s next for a job (I was burnt out anyway), see if I actually enjoyed this life instead of just spending ever day dreaming about it.

Everyone said the first year is the hardest. But honestly it’s been 3 months since moved aboard and I’m done. I just sit here every day wanting to go back home to San Francisco. I sit here and cry because I’m so lonely. The daily stresses are too much for me to handle alone right now.

I just want to go out to a nice restaurant. I want to spend a night out with my friends. I want to go see a movie. I want to go back to the gym. I want to be able to go to a grocery store whenever I want and not have to plan it out a week in advance.

I try and post happy stories on instagram and stuff and everyone is replying saying stuff like “omg, what an amazing life” or “you’re living the dream”. But, I never wanted to do this alone, I always said that I wanted to do this with a partner. And I feel like if I HAD someone here with me, it would be totally different experience.

It’s a nightmare for me. I hate being here, I hate being alone. I feel like a failure. But I don’t know what will actually make me happy any more. I question all my decisions and I don’t know what I should do next. I don’t know if going back to SF is the right decision, I don’t know if I should keep the boat or sell it.

I just feel so lost in life right now and not sure how to proceed with things.