Author: Cj B

Today, Dec 1st is World AIDS Day and I wanted to take some time to share my story and why I’m riding in AIDS/Lifecycle. Growing up in the mid-west in the ’80s and ’90s, the only thing I knew about HIV/AIDs was that it was a death sentence. When I came out to my parents in 2000, pretty much the only thing I can remember from that conversation was my dad saying “You’ll be dead from AIDS by the time you’re 25”.

Moving to California in 2004, as a young gay man, my world changed. I signed up for my first AIDS/Lifecycle in 2007 completely ignorant of HIV. I met so many amazing people and learned so much about HIV/AIDS. It isn’t a death sentence, you can still have a long and healthy life by taking just one pill a day. You could be “undetectable” and have a healthy, loving relationship. I made some of my closest friends on the ride that year.

In May 2011, my life changed forever. I tested positive for HIV. I was 28 years old. I walked out of the clinic and broke down crying. I called my friend Mok and we spoke for hours, he reassured me that everything would be alright. He reminded me of all the things I learned on the ride, about how it’s treatable, you could still live a long healthy life. But even with that knowledge I still felt scared, ashamed, dirty, and that no one would love me again. I wanted to kill myself. Without the love and support of the people I met on the ride, my close friends, I wouldn’t be here today.

Over the past 10 years, I’ve been ashamed of my status and battled horrible depression. Even in places like Los Angeles and San Francisco the rejection and ignorance is abundant. The number of guys who reject me because of my status or end up rejecting me due to fearing it, is disheartening.

I’m now finally coming to accept myself, I’m thriving, successful, and happy. However, I still constantly face rejection and fear of HIV. Every time this happens, it hurts and brings back those painful memories.

It’s time to end that stigma, it’s time to be proud of who I am, I am not defined by my status. It’s time to share my story and help educate people. We need to end the stigma. With medications such as PrEP we can easily prevent the spread of HIV. With the knowledge of U=U we know that an undetectable person cannot spread the virus to anyone else and with the advances in technology we will soon have an HIV vaccine and one day a cure.

I’m riding in AIDs/Lifecycle again in 2022 to help end the stigma, spread the knowledge and fight to end AIDS. Please join me by donating to my ride using the link in my bio. 100% of your donations go directly to helping people with HIV and to educate people about HIV. If you have any questions or want to learn more about HIV/AIDS please feel free to reach out to me.

Take some time out of your life and learn about HIV, learn that undetectable = undetectable and reach out to someone you know who’s positive and tell them you love them.

Happy thanksgiving! Today I am super thankful for everything that is in my life. This year has been incredible in setting me up for my future. I went from having two SFH in HCOL areas to owning almost 80 MF units in a LCOL. Went from gross rents of just over $60,000/year to gross rents of nearly $575,000/year and NOI of $275k/year.

I just have to admit, I’m a bit down though about my relationships of course. I am so frustrated that people like Charles, Glenn, Mark, etc etc etc are all getting to share a day like today with their bfs. While here I am sitting alone on the couch.

Speaking of Charles, he’s been very texting lately. Mostly he’s been asking about homework but he’s also been replying to a lot of my stories. I dddunno. Whatever.

I’m out. Happy Thanskgiving. Love ya’ll.

Hmmm, not even sure where to start right now. A lot has happened, a lot I want to write about but at the same time, I don’t want to really talk about it again.

Let’s start off with Cody, we’ve hung out a few times since Toad Hall, he’s super cute, very smart, I love his communication and the way he thinks about things. But he’s got a LOT of problems, personally. We will see where things go. I am happy to know him so far but we will just see.

Second, Charles. He messaged me randomly the other day. He’s doing a presentation at school about HIV. I asked him, “How did you end up with this topic”.. He replied with “You inspired me…. Another person choose HIV as their topic before me and I was so furious”… WTF. Like I’m glad he’s learning about it and everything but.. I dunno.

Also, Charles caused a HUGE fight between Derik and I, well not directly but there was a lot of other stuff going on. I don’t really want to get into the details of it. But basically we spent two hours SCREAMING at each other. Cody was in the apartment while it was all going down, he tried to help moderate but that didn’t go over well.

I decided we needed time apart so I came down to San Diego to hang out with Hut and Sean.

I met up with Bryan while I was in LA. That was a good time and we talked about a lot of random stuff. He gave me a lot of good advice and I honestly wish I had that knowledge in my life more often. I wish I had an older Gay friend who is closer so that I can get advice. I feel like I am always the one going and giving advice to people.

I really want to go on this Belize trip. But no one seems to be able to commit/go with. So annoying.

Been feeling a bit down the last week or so. Hopefully I can kick it out soon and get back to normal.

I had LASIK and it’s amazing to be able to see normally without glasses/etc.

I haven’t been on many dates lately. Went out with this one guy Jacob who ended up being super awk and not my type at all. Been chatting with a bunch of guys but nothing super interesting.

I am kicking Jaime to the curb. We met Tuesday night and had dinner/sex. I told him that I was getting LASIK on Thursday and how nervous I was, etc. I didn’t hear from him again until last night. He texted me that he had been in LA. I know it’s still early, but the lack of communication is just not cool for me. He knew how nervous I was for LASIK, he couldn’t even bother to ask how it went. Even Charles messaged asking how it went.

Mark is in Europe until Nov 28th so I won’t see him for a while. We will see what happens when he gets back. This past weekend I just kinda hung out with people. Dinner Friday night with Derik and Thomas, ALC ride Saturday (which was fucking amazing), Toad Hall Saturday night with people, date Sunday.

Oh! Speaking of Toad hall, a couple things. 1) Cody came with us to Toad Hall! He’s super cute but has WAY too much energy for me. I don’t think tings will happen between us. But we will see. We came home to my place and had drunken sex. But when I told him about my status he freaked out and said he was scared, etc. I sent him the same list of links that I had put together for Charles. He spent the night and I walked him back to his apartment the next morning. We held hands the whole way there. 2) Charles messaged me while we were out and about and he said “TFTI”.

It’s weird, like when he and I were going out, he didn’t seem to ever want to get drunk around me, he didn’t want to go out with me. When we would hang out, we’d drink but he’d always be very caution about how much he drank. We chatted a bit that night but nothing serious. I sent him a message sunday morning and he still hasn’t even read it.

I still am down about all that honestly. I know I said I won’t write more about him but, I still miss him. I still think about him every day. I still want to see his face popup with a random phone call just to chat. I still think about all those times and everything that happened between us. How it felt so perfect, how it felt things were finally moving forward an then in 24 hours, it all changed.

The house officially sells today, I’m a bit torn on that too. I went up there Friday and locked up for the last time.

Dating sucks…. Went on that date with Paolo and we had scheduled a second date for Sunday to go hiking. He ghosted me, until last night. I get a text message from him saying “You could have told me you were HIV+” . I replied to him that it was in my profile, he said something like “I might not have read your whole profile, you can’t hold that against me”. WTF. _YOU_ can’t hold it against ME! Not my fault you didn’t read and understand what you were getting into. He then went on to call me “trash” multiple times for not disclosing to him and for not being more apologetic about it. Asshole.

Honestly, fuck him. I am amazing. I am the most caring person in the world, I am smart, adventurous, have a nice job, a cute dog. I will do anything for the person I love. So fuck him.

I send a screenshot to Charles and we started talking a bit. He said “I hope all is well else wise”. I replied “Well, I’m still mending a broken heart”. He replied “It hasn’t exactly been easy for me either”. or something like that. I told him to call me if he needs to talk. I really want to know what’s up with that. He should be happy. He got what he wanted, he got Eric. I wonder what is up.

This past weekend was amazing though, minus the trash guy. Friday night we met up with Pastor Mark, went to first Fridays and then he invited me to some house party. The party was great but I got WAY too drunk and ended up puking once I got home. There was this SUPER cutie named Cody there. But drunk ass me failed to get his phone number. Mark gave Cody his number, but Cody hasn’t texted him yet. 🙁 a missed connection.

Saturday I was super hung over and was supposed to go biking but ended up just lounging around the house all morning. Went out on a date with sailing mark that evening and it was good. We saw My Fair Lady which honestly I slept through the entire second half.

Mark is really cute, very sweet and a great guy but I am just not feeling that “spark”. We had sex a few nights ago and it was nice, but not that great. When I see him, I don’t want to just make out with him and hold him, the way I did with Charles. I don’t have that want to text him or be with him constantly. But maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe this is what a comfortable relationship is. I’m not sure. I also don’t like how much he does weed/drinks. But he’s young and that’s what young guys do.

Calvin messaged me a couple weeks ago about coming to visit in December. I was honestly really excited for it, to see him again in person after 5 years. See if we can be closer friends and maybe start hanging out again. I miss him every day in my life and I really wanted to see if we could finally reconnect on more then just a random text level. He messaged me yesterday that it wasn’t going to work out. I am pretty sad about that. I was really looking forward to seeing him in person again.